Jewish and Chinese Weddings are Kosher-rific.

Seriously I've been busy, I swear.

2010-06-20T17:32:00.005-04:00

Lots has been going on, I swear.

Here, look at our calendar for May:

And here's this June:

Seriously folks, I'm not avoiding you.

Lots to go over but because it's a lot I'm afraid I won't go into too much detail. So here's the list and a quick blurb on what I think of it.

Finished up Jew class. I now have a much better understanding of Judaism and can probably hold my own in an argument now. Weeee.

HER is slowly but surely finishing up her sonography class and clinical rotation. Which is great for her but even greater for me because that means I don't have to do as much around the house as she'll be able to do something other than study.

I've realized that my friends and I are real suckers for anything that involves a booze and outside. There have been 3 "drinking festivals" and we would have been to all three except we found out about the second one a little too late. I'm not all that big on drinking but this is probably the most I've had in 4 weeks since... college? Maybe even more than college. Dayumm!

Had a doc's appt who did a full checkup on me and glossed over my having a fatty liver and instead went with me having sleep apnea. I think the doc really really likes sleep apnea, she probably did her dissertation on it or something. But really, I don't drink a lot. If I'm not at a festival I probably drink maybe 1-2 drinks a month. Even when I'm at a festival I don't usually drink a lot. Oh well it's been a good reason for me to work out some.

Shavuot came and went and it is seriously my favorite Jewish holiday right now. YOU EAT CHEESECAKE! Fantastic. I highly recommend it.

There's some progress with the wedding (I think) but right now it's a sore topic. I'm sure if it's something I even want to talk about right now but I'm so annoyed/mad at MIL I've actually lost sleep on it. ME. I sleep like the dead. Anyways if I ever decide to bitch about it it'll probably be on here since I can't quietly bitch about it. Period. And my neighbors may have big mouths and even bigger ears.

So next time, if I haven't gotten over it you'll hear my gripe. If I have gotten over it and moved on you'll get something else that's hopefully more interesting.

Should have fucking eloped...

I found it!

2010-05-02T19:18:00.003-04:00

I found it! I found the sword that I'm going to cut my pie with.

BEHOLD!

Look upon my mighty blade and feel it's power coursing through your big eyeball sockets and into your thinking putty. It's got a minty feeling to it doesn't it?

Yes my chinese war sword. Such is the blade that I am going to cut my wedding pie with. Yes I said pie. Why a pie? Cause cakes suck. Why this behemoth and not a normal knife? Because "chinese war sword" is the second most "me" thing there is out there; second only to "chinese war hammer eating computer." Now, to find it on sale.

I do this to HER sometimes

2010-04-15T21:55:00.001-04:00

Well there WAS a video here where a person played nicely with a big manatee or seal or something. But it's gone now, youtube took it away. Bye bye.

Joke explainer:
You see this skinny lady lying there and big seal comes up and nuzzles her a bit and proceeds to just kind of roll around her and every so often goes back to nuzzle.

A Status Message Conversation.

2010-04-09T09:39:00.004-04:00

Looking down my contact list and people's status' I found that it would make a pretty neat "back and forth" between two imaginary people; one way more cheery than the other. The following are my friend's statii in order as they apprear on my contact list. Is yours listed here?

I'm not here right now.
=)
Sigh...
Interview on friday!!!
Reese's with breakfast... I love being an adult!
Ugh... so much to do.
has a lot of planning to do :(
oh, ok
You cannot know the road, you can only commit yourself to a direction.
Saturday Plan: Drinks and Home Made Pizza combined with Sitting around and doing nothing all day. Inquire within.
Away.

One of Our Fights

2010-04-07T13:14:00.001-04:00

Here's an example of a little stupid squabble we often have.

HER: Look! My mom learned how to save a picture from facebook and e-mail it to people.

HIM: Yea, so?

HER: Hey, it's my mom so give her some credit...

HIM: ....

HER: C'MON...

HIM: Alright, alright... credit.

[Later...]

HIM: Hey you know what?

HER: What?

HIM: I'm a better jew than my "Jewish all his life" boss! He broke passover kosher last Sat! I want props.

HER: Good job.

HIM: I also want props from your mother.

HER: Baby, my family stays kosher for Passover all the time, you're not going to get props from her.

HIM: Oh? Then she doesn't get props from me for downloading a picture and e-mailing it.

HER: Fine, fine I'll tell her later and make sure you get your props...

Holiday Hoedown!

2010-04-02T18:27:00.002-04:00

If you don't know what I'm talking about this is a hoedown I'm referring to. The tune is all the same.

Alright, with that out of the way, HOEDOWN TIME!

Valentine's Day

My mother has a flower shop I try and go to help
I don't really arrange anything but I'll deliver to make a buck
I brought the fiance along and she did great with a yelp
When we found out at home that we were too tired to fuck.

B-day

I don't celebrate my birthdays because all I did was exist.
But my baby gave me something that I couldn't resist.
A basket full of goodies, which almost fell by chance
While squatting down to catch it I loudly ripped my pants.

Ann

We celebrate our anniversaries by never by being apart.
We don't really exchange any gifts, we just speak from the heart.
But this time it seems I got everything my way,
Cause this time we spent it watching American anime.

St. Paddy's Day

I honestly don't think we celebrated this day
All we did was drink and joke the entire night away.
I guess it's better this way cause it couldn't have been beat,
It really was better than cleaning a puke green toilet seat.

Passover

It's something like the fourth or fifth day.
Celebrating this holiday doesn't really pay.
For a whole week I can't have any bread or corn or cheese.
I think by the end I'm going to have 12 clogged arteries.

GUEST ENTRY!

2010-04-01T11:58:00.001-04:00

It's April Fool's Day today so I'm hijacking HIM's blog. I'm who he affectionally calls "Seester" cuz even though we're cousins we were basically raised as brother and sister. Plus, being both only children, we're the closest things to siblings that each of us has. So... this past weekend I got to go visit HIM and his soon to be wifey in Baltimore. As always, I look forward to these trips because they usually involve LOTS of yummy foods. (And when you're preggers, that is a very, very, good thing.)

This trip did not disappoint in the food category, I was stuffed silly and it's amazing that they didn't need to roll me onto the plane when I flew home. What was surprising however, was that I got to see HIM and HER in action as a couple and some of the similarities between them and my own hubby and I are simply hilarious.

HIM did most of the driving while I was there and it was truly amusing to watch them from the backseat. Most of the time the conversations went like this.

HER: Blah blah blah...

HIM : WOMAN! Blah blah blah

HER: (Slaps Him hard)

HIM : I'm driving woman, stop hitting me!

HER: I love you, honey bitches!

HIM : Daww... I love you too.. blah blah blah...

I loved chuckling at these exchanges, one cuz they're funny, and two cuz it's like looking in a mirror. One time, someone almost pulls out right in front of HIM and he had to swerve a little. This made HER really nervous and the next thing you know, all her limbs shoot out in every direction to brace for the impact. Of course that motion caused HIM to freak out more than had the other driver actually cut him off and HIM just starts swearing. HIM then proceeds to reenact this flailing of limbs at the next light and the above "conversation" repeats itself. I, in the mean time, can't stop LMAO.

Well, since I don't want to completely take over his blog, I'll leave you with this... if you ever need a funny albeit gross story, ask HIM or HER about "tasting the rainbow". I promise you'll never look at Skittles the same way again.

Peas!

Someone else's sad story

2010-03-09T13:28:00.002-05:00

Sorry folks. I have to share this one. I'll try and come back with something happy next time but this... I just had to share.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yes, I Gas Dogs and Cats for a Living. I'm an Animal Control officer in a very small town in central North Carolina. I'm in my mid thirties, and have been working for the town in different positions since high school.

There is not much work here, and working for the county provides good pay and benefits for a person like me without a higher education. I'm the person you all write about how horrible I am.

I'm the one that gasses the dogs and cats and makes them suffer. I'm the one that pulls their dead corpses out smelling of Carbon Monoxide and throws them into green plastic bags. But I'm also the one that hates my job and hates what I have to do.

First off, all you people out there that judge me, don't. God is judging me, and I know I'm going to Hell. Yes, I'm going to hell. I wont lie, it's despicable, cold, cruel and I feel like a serial killer. I'm not all to blame, if the law would mandate spay and neuter, lots of these dogs and cats wouldn't be here for me to gas. I'm the devil, I know it, but I want you people to see that there is another side to me the devil Gas Chamber man.

The shelter usually gasses on Friday morning.

Friday's are the day that most people look forward to, this is the day that I hate, and wish that time will stand still on Thursday night. Thursday night, late, after nobody's around, my friend and I go through a fast food line, and buy 50 dollars worth of cheeseburgers and fries, and chicken. I'm not allowed to feed the dogs on Thursday, for I'm told that they will make a mess in the gas chamber, and why waste the food.

So, Thursday night, with the lights still closed, I go into the saddest room that anyone can every imagine, and let all the doomed dogs out out their cages.

I have never been bit, and in all my years doing this, the dogs have never fought over the food. My buddy and I, open each wrapper of cheeseburger and chicken sandwich, and feed them to the skinny, starving dogs.

They swallow the food so fast, that I don't believe they even taste it. There tails are wagging, and some don't even go for the food, they roll on their backs wanting a scratch on their bellys. They start running, jumping and kissing me and my buddy. They go back to their food, and come back to us. All their eyes are on us with such trust and hope, and their tails wag so fast, that I have come out with black and blues on my thighs.. They devour the food, then it's time for them to devour some love and peace. My buddy and I sit down on the dirty, pee stained concrete floor, and we let the dogs jump on us. They lick us, they put their butts in the air to play, and they play with each other. Some lick each other, but most are glued on me and my buddy.

I look into the eyes of each dog. I give each dog a name.

They will not die without a name.

I give each dog 5 minutes of unconditional love and touch.

I talk to them, and tell them that I'm so sorry that tomorrow they will die a gruesome, long, torturous death at the hands of me in the gas chamber.

Some tilt their heads to try to understand.

I tell them, that they will be in a better place, and I beg them not to hate me.

I tell them that I know I'm going to hell, but they will all be playing with all the dogs and cats in heaven.

After about 30 minutes, I take each dog individually, into their feces filled concrete jail cell, and pet them and scratch them under their chins. Some give me their paw, and I just want to die. I just want to die. I close the jail cell on each dog, and ask them to forgive me. As my buddy and I are walking out, we watch as every dog is smiling at us and them don't even move their heads. They will sleep, with a full belly, and a false sense of security.

As we walk out of the doomed dog room, my buddy and I go to the cat room.

We take our box, and put the very friendly kittens and pregnant cats in our box. The shelter doesn't keep tabs on the cats, like they do the dogs.

As I hand pick which cats are going to make it out, I feel like I'm playing God, deciding whose going to live and die.

We take the cats into my truck, and put them on blankets in the back.

Usually, as soon as we start to drive away, there are purring cats sitting on our necks or rubbing against us.

My buddy and I take our one way two hour trip to a county that is very wealthy and they use injection to kill animals.

We go to exclusive neighborhoods, and let one or two cats out at a time.

They don't want to run, they want to stay with us. We shoo them away, which makes me feel sad.

I tell them that these rich people will adopt them, and if worse comes to worse and they do get put down, they will be put down with a painless needle being cradled by a loving veterinarian. After the last cat is free, we drive back to our town.

It's about 5 in the morning now, about two hours until I have to gas my best friends.

I go home, take a shower, take my 4 anti-anxiety pills and drive to work.. I don't eat, I can't eat. It's now time, to put these animals in the gas chamber. I put my ear plugs in, and when I go to the collect the dogs, the dogs are so excited to see me, that they jump up to kiss me and think they are going to play.

I put them in the rolling cage and take them to the gas chamber. They know. They just know. They can smell the death.. They can smell the fear. They start whimpering, the second I put them in the box. The boss tells me to squeeze in as many as I can to save on gas. He watches. He knows I hate him, he knows I hate my job. I do as I'm told. He watches until all the dogs, and cats (thrown in together) are fighting and screaming. The sounds is very muffled to me because of my ear plugs. He walks out, I turn the gas on, and walk out.

I walk out as fast as I can. I walk into the bathroom, and I take a pin and draw blood from my hand. Why? The pain and blood takes my brain off of what I just did.

In 40 minutes, I have to go back and unload the dead animals. I pray that none survived, which happens when I overstuff the chamber. I pull them out with thick gloves, and the smell of carbon monoxide makes me sick. So does the vomit and blood, and all the bowel movements. I pull them out, put them in plastic bags.

They are in heaven now, I tell myself. I then start cleaning up the mess, the mess, that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not spay or neutering your animals. The mess that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not demanding that a vet come in and do this humanely. You ARE THE TAXPAYERS, DEMAND that this practice STOP!

So, don't call me the monster, the devil, the gasser, call the politicians, the shelter directors, and the county people the devil. Heck, call the governor, tell him to make it stop.

As usual, I will take sleeping pills tonight to drown out the screams I heard in the past, before I discovered the ear plugs. I will jump and twitch in my sleep, and I believe I'm starting to hallucinate.

This is my life. Don't judge me. Believe me, I judge myself enough.

Rednecks and Snow Storm Stories.

2010-02-18T12:49:00.004-05:00

Rednecks being useful in snow storms.

This isn't my story but HER ain't going to post it so I'll tell my interpretation of it. We got a snow storm. A few of them actually, all within 2 weeks. Fucking thing was record breaking. The night before it all hits HER goes out with some friends to a hockey game. I didn't go because there was only one ticket available and HER has never gone to a hockey game so she went and I stayed home and played on my computer. During the game the "lily white hell" slowly came down and painted everything in about foot and a half of cold imported polar bear tears.

I hear it was a miracle that they made it from the game to our friend's house alive.

Once there however winter's revenge kept coming and the snow piled higher and higher. Apparently HER was going to be stuck where she was until some of this white "holy fuck" could be contained somewhat. She had a good time there don't get me wrong, but apparently she would have rather be snowed in with me because she loves me or something like that. I on the other hand couldn't give a damn what was going on outside so long as I had power and I could still tinker with my computers.

Eventually however HER found her white knight in the shape of a redneck with a huge truck with tires that must have eaten smaller cars for breakfast. The truck might as well had the license plate: "SNW RAPE" cause that's apparently what it did. The very nice redneck apparently was one of those people who would drive doctors and nurses to and from hospitals in this kind of scenario, so you know, they could save lives. HER asked if he could take some time out in saving lives to drive her home and he agreed. What a guy.

Rednecks being useless in snow storms.

Now that HER was back we were able to be together and wait for the white crap to stop falling from the sky. Because we (and by "we" I mean "nearly entirely her") had to shovel out our drive way and eventually make it BACK to the friend's house to get her car back. Why didn't I do the shoveling? Why did I let her do all the shoveling? Because "outside" is her job, that's why you sexist pig. ^_^

Eventually we were able to make it to the friends house so the whole process of shoveling and trying to get a car out of a one lane dead end street could begin. This time I did do some shoveling. We were eventually able to get the car out of the parking space but not down the street due to the really icy and inconsistent nature of how the street was/wasn't plowed. Unfortunately there was a guy (Redneck 2) who was further in the dead end, trying to get out. Redneck 2 also had a big ass truck with the traditional redneck emblem; a US flag (and eagle) mural around his back windshield. This one however was less than helpful as when he saw us (and it was hard not to as we were in his way) he just got out of his truck and stood there and watched us shovel the street.

Now granted, I wasn't expecting him to help. Well, actually I was but I don't think he was morally obligated to help. Had he did it would have been nice and he would have been on his way a whole lot sooner but I would not hold it against him if he did not help us. What I do hold against him (because I'm just that kind of hateful muthafucker) is that he left his truck on. So we had to shovel the road in his truck exhaust while the bastard stood there, smoking a cigarette, wearing a cowboy hat while holding his ridiculously big belt buckle. Please sir, at least sit inside your truck and enjoy the heat that is being generated by your useless burning of your gas, OR turn off your truck, save some gas and go back inside and check to see if we're done. Nope you just wanted to watch as we shoveled snow in you truck exhaust. Thanks dude. ..::cough::.. ..::hack::..

>>>>>>>>>

So as it turns out this years winter weather adventures have not really changed my outlook on rednecks. I believe we have broken even. So the status stays at "Will laugh at but probably have no interest talking to" until my next interaction with a fella of that particular flavor.

Dun da Da!!!!! HER is POSTING!!

2010-02-07T09:41:00.003-05:00

Ok, So HIM has mentioned a few bazillion times recently that it would be nice if I posted something to OUR blog - so here I am finally. However, I must set some rules. So listed below are the rules for HER Posts!
1st - I HATE writing! I don't like it - it's a tedious activity for me.
2nd - I'm BAD at writing - it's embarrassing but I never developed good grammatical skills or nifty witty ways of wording things.
3rd - It's tedious for me - I mean I can talk to much faster then I can type - so if you wanna talk to me feel free - I'd much rather then type.
4th - With all the above things true it's easy to see how I could find doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, shoveling the 30inches off snow outside, or studying for my next big test more important then sitting down and typing a contribution to our blog.
5th and Last - I never know what to type. I feel like it's stupid stuff then really no one cares about. So why would I torture all of you with some long entry about deciding between brown and teal for brides maid dresses - when even I don't care that much.

So there is my first blog in a long time - hehehe hope it was enjoyable or at least a good excuse. The two things I thought up to write about are listed below - to remind me the next time I'm willing to sit down and type.

- Why this whole wedding thing is not my fault at all - arghhhh stupid wedding planning

- My big snow adventure

P.S. Don't be surprised if all my entries are this short - remember I hate writing so feel luck that I wrote anything at all.

Chuppah Coming Along

2010-01-29T08:05:00.001-05:00

Here's our little art project. I think it's maybe... a quarter done?

One Month Later...

2010-01-28T08:34:00.002-05:00

If you read the last three posts I wrote in order, you can kind of see the ebb and tide of me getting pissed off at something, cooling off, doing something to distract myself, being reminded of it and getting pissed off again, cooling off then venting about it after I cooled off some. I thought it was very neat.

Anyways a little more than a month after things reached "Fuck-it" point we've started on making our chuppah. Things are going along rather smoothly and I'm sure pictures will be coming soon. Now if I can only get HER to get on here and talk about wedding invite shopping and respond to what I've written. Wouldn't it be nice to hear her side of the story?

So do you mind if I grab a pillow for my knees while I bend down to kiss your ass?

2010-01-27T19:35:00.005-05:00

One of the bad traits that I have (and there are quite a few) is that I'm a prideful son of a bitch. And while I have no problem doing a song and dance for the enjoyment of others it's always on my own terms and was a decision I made. What I don't like doing and you can either blame this on me being a stubborn bastard, a loud bastard, or just a plain ol' bastard (some of my other less than fine traits), is doing a song and dance to someone else's tune and at their beck and call.

So when I hear that we are giving up on the wedding and just letting Mother-in-Law have free reign, I flipped the fuck out. Actually I would have flipped the fuck out except I had to stay in check so I could comfort HER. She was having a bit of a rough time because due to the nature of the situation and the way she and her mother is, she was just being bombarded with just tons of emotions and worry. First there was the worry that she would alienate her mother, then there was the worry that I wouldn't get along with her because of this. Add to that the feeling of failing to stand up for your future husband, the frustration of not getting what you wanted and planned for, and fighting battles on two fronts and you kind of get how she felt.

What I wanted to do was flip the fuck out and call out Mother-in-Law on the bullshit she's trying to pull and how miserable she's making HER but, to be honest, I'm probably also doing the same thing (though hopefully not nearly as bad). Mother-in-Law is the type of person who would (and recently had...) a falling out with a long time friend over something as trivial as inviting HER and her friends out for a spa session, and all that would just make things worse for HER. So I decided to practice my humanity and keep my cool. Lots of counting to 10 and deep breaths.

So why was I worked up so much? You have to understand that the Jewish religion while not something that is entirely alien to me is still filled with strange customs and justifications for things that just doesn't make sense to me. That, and leading up to this Mother-in-Law is worried to death that HER is becoming more and more Chinese and therefore less and less Jewie (I guess). So in her crusade in keeping her child Jewish she has stomped down every notion of Chinese anything at every turn. "What's that? HER is learning Chinese?! Why doesn't HIM learn Hebrew?" You know why? Cause none of you fucking SPEAK HEBREW! Sure Mother-in-Law speaks tons of languages but Father-in-Law and HER can't speak anything other than bad English. You know who speaks Chinese? Every single member of my family (some only speak Chinese), and a fifth of the entire fucking world, more importantly our kids are. Yes, our Jewish fucking kids are going to know how to speak Chinese. AND, (understand I'm not even covering all the shit that I want to say...) AND just cause you feel like you failed in raising a Jewish child does not give you a right to stomp on my culture like it's dogshit that you had the misfortune of failing to notice.

I could say none of this and had to just sit there and take it or pretend that I didn't hear that shit because I had to keep the peace for HER's sake. And now, for the sake of peace; the child who cried the most is getting their way and the person easier to deal with gets shafted. I can't stand when that shit happens, all the less when it's happening to me. ME. Fuck that. And now I have to swallow all that and dance to some silly jig because some person from somewhere felt some significance to some event that makes it alright for certain people to crap on the dancing monkey's culture. Right... Where's my goddamn bacon?

Well it turns out that keeping cool (even though I did sort of unleash back there - and boy it felt good to) actually paid off a bit. Why? Because I didn't have to kirk out on someone. HER got, found, grew or just plain fucking stole and "pair of stones" somewhere and stood up to her mother. She sent out an e-mail that not only organized everything but set limits to responsibilities of others and who has final say on what. It was a very effective e-mail and I'm very proud of her for making it. Of course this was exactly what I wanted to do 10 months ago but props still go to where they are deserved.

Not the story I was going to tell but it's the one you're getting.

2010-01-15T20:05:00.002-05:00

You've no idea the amount of fire and brimstone I was going to rain down on this blog due to the stuff that had recently went down. However to HER's credit she really did do a good job on handling the situation and let's all hear it for taking a moment to cool off before doing things one might regret, though usually I don't regret the things I do.

Anyways, happy new year. Ok with that out of the way let me explain what the hell it is exactly that I'm talking about.

When we first got engaged and started to think about planning a wedding I gave HER two options. 1) I do what I have been advised to do which is let her and her mother plan the whole thing and only pretend to care about every third thing so that she would feel like I gave a damn about the event in which I was to be married in OR 2) we both had equal say in the wedding. She chose option to and to her credit she really meant it. I wanted some wild things too. I didn't want a cake (because fuck cake), I wanted a wedding pie. I wanted to cut that pie with a sword that I would carrying around the entire ceremony and like a dozen other things that would just be crazy and unique. Isn't my girl awesome?

Well then things got to her mother and that's when shit just got formal... and boring... and stressful. Not stressful for me per-say because I was never really allowed to discuss such matters with the mother in law. HER knows me too well as well as her mother so naturally she didn't want us two to get into it cause well... I already introduced the mother in law.

The fecal matter really hit the oscillating wind generator when after a year of fighting (mostly between HER and her mother) and crying (mostly HER to me) that it got to the "fuck it point." The "fuck it point" if you weren't able to deduce is the point of which the realization of the goal no longer is worth the amount of effort to obtain it happens. HER was at that point and I, being her future husband could only support her decision.

Oh how pissed I was...

To be continued...

Merry X-mas (story delayed)

2009-12-25T18:46:00.004-05:00

Merry X-mas everybody. My favorite x-mas story so far is this short one told to me by my friend Superpowered while he gave me my x-mas gift.

"I can't believe I'm giving a big asian jew, WHO'S AN ATHEIST, a bible FOR CHRISTMAS. ...And he wanted it!"

The bible in question was "The Jefferson Bible" and it was on my amazon wish list. I frankly had forgotten that I even had one.

In any case I'm not going to write the story I wanted to write for a couple reasons. First off it's christmas and even though I couldn't really give a damn about christmas it's still a holiday that people get together with friends and loved ones so I'll try to keep it as pleasant as possible. Secondly Her probably doesn't really want to read/hear it and had a trying day today so I'll spare her that. Thirdly, and this is mostly a combination of the first two reasons, it's christmas and I'm going to try to cheer up my baby and do my best to bring two sides together. What two sides and why do they need to be brought together? Well I'm not going to talk about it but I'll give you a hint. We're giving up and letting a certain mother in law have her way with everything and therefore taking no responsibility for the mess (or party) that may come; further enforcing that two certain people should have eloped from the beginning.

Ooops did I say that?

Anyways, on to bringing people together.

You may or may not know me but I'm sort of an atheist. To me that essentially means that I believe in the "abrahamic religions'" gods as much as I do the norse, egyptian and greek ones. And we all have our reasons why we believe in the things we do (or not). But tonight I don't want to talk about the different sides of the argument. I want to talk about what we would like from a god. Because whether or not we believe, there's no harm in writing a wish list for santa.

What I think that most people want from god is understanding. The idea that they are with us, see us and feel our plight, know our sorrows and be able to comfort us in times of need I feel is a consensus of one of people's needs and wants from god. If not that then at least love. A mothering love that saves us and provides us what we need in order to fulfill our dreams, or a stern one that disciplines us in order for us to grow. I believe we would all want a love that is there to want us to be happy and successful and will do anything for us to reach that goal whether we know it or not.

Well for those of us who have a god I hope you can agree with me on the wants that I listed. And for those who do not have a god I hope you are fortunate enough to be able to feel what love is. Because I want you understand me when I say that I love my fiancee, Her. And I want you to know the understanding she gives me every day. Through all my faults, all my mistakes, and all my hardships she is there for me, she feels me, and she comforts me; in my every time of need. More than that, she loves me. She loves me in that motherly way, the way that saves and the way that provides. When I need it, she'll also been the stern one, the one that will do what it takes so that we can grow.

I want you all to know that I love Her. You may not know us, but that's not the point. The point is that you understand how much I love her and that I'm pretty sure, she loves me too.

Turkey Day Recap and Chinese People are Crazy

2009-12-19T15:07:00.002-05:00

Well Turkey day has come and gone and now Christmas is looming over our shoulder. Luckily we don't care cause we're Jewish and already finishing up Chanukkah. Still I felt a write up of our past thanksgiving was still in order.

This year's thanksgiving is my lowest count of turkey day meals I've had since I've started counting. I believe the number this year is 3. That's not to say it was a bad one or that I'm not as loved as all the previous years it's just that this year has been more adult than every other year. By that I mean I had a baby with me.

No, it wasn't a spawn of my own, "Seester" was in town with her hubby and child. I got to spend an entire Thanksgiving weekend with them and I was so happy to be able to. It's sad that I wasn't able to see a lot of other people but hopefully they'd understand that driving for an hour with an unhappy baby makes for a miserable time for everybody. So, sorry folks if I didn't get to see you this year for turkey and such but I'm blaming the baby and she's still a bit too cute for you to be mad at.

The person I do kind of feel sorry for though was Seester's hubby "Toddles." Why? Because he came down here, wasn't able to spend turkey day with any of his folks and was kind of thrown into "Chinese Family World." Now CFW can be like any ethnic family gathering; we're loud, we make you eat too much, we bicker then we make up. The only real differences are two things. We do this all in Chinese or broken english and we actually prefer that most people stay in the dark about it.

I would say more but then it wouldn't be very Chinese of me to do so. That and the writing of this has taken entirely too long and anything funny or any clever way to deliver my points across have been lost due to my very siv-like memory. So here are my points:

1) chinese people tend to group together and really don't give a damn if you feel like you belong or not. They just aren't that welcoming of other people and tend to be very happy to stay that way.

2) I have family now who's not very chinese at all and I feel sorry for them when they get thrown into CFW.

3) This is to show that I understand why it sucks. I don't know how much it sucks but I do know THAT is sucks. As of right now I don't have any solutions for the problem other than taking no part in the conversations and just sit there and play translator.

4) Oh I wanted to put up this link too to show that there's yet more evidence that show how much (not why) we are crazy.

5) I wanted to write this to get it out of the way because I REALLY wanted to write about recent developments on wedding planning. But that'll come later.

Music I'm not allowed to play at the wedding.

2009-11-10T12:52:00.002-05:00

Here are three of them:

One cause I'm not allowed to get crunk...
I thought this one was pretty fly...
And this classic.

Can you believe it?

Meet Our Friends

2009-11-09T11:14:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the delay. I've been crazy busy and then I forgot and then I lost the mood to do it. But not we're back in action, and by action I mean ass kissing.

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"SuperPowered"

Of the three he's most like: Nice.

SuperPowered and I have known each other since high school and throughout our lives, and the people we've known, SuperPowered is the one to stop us should we ever turned evil. Sure there maybe people who are stronger, or more powerful out there but there is not one else that would do a better job than SuperPowered. You know why? Cause in the land of the crazies if there was one rock that stood steadfast and refused to be dragged into the tumbling abyss that befell everyone around him; that rock would be SuperPowered. Trust me, he's been my friend for a long time and he's met some of my other friends too; he's prepared.

For me, no one makes it easier to come up with jokes than SuperPowered. The man is like a banter wall and no matter what you throw at it it just going to hit right back. You can't beat a wall in tennis and you can't beat SuperPowered in ridiculous questions, random jokes, and quick retorts. And in the end, SuperPowered is a real, true blue, decent human being. You can't beat that either.

A Football Story

2009-09-30T11:22:00.005-04:00

I'll get back to introducing friends in a bit but I've been busy and I wanted to tell this story.

I have a friend that I always watch Ravens football with. He's a great guy (Foose) and I'll be getting to his little profile soon. The thing you have to realize when I watch football is that I watch football to yell at the tv. And boy do I yell. I yell as if they can hear me and hearing me makes a difference in the game. Now that we understand that we can begin.

As part of my trying to get my friends to meet my other friends I dragged along a friend of mine (TrickWhiteyMan - his profile is coming up too) and his girl to watch a game with us over at Foose's and DeSweet's house. Now throughout the game I'm doing my standard yelling thing; "hit him," "kill him," "Dat's a first," etc. During one of these little bouts TrickWhiteyMan's girl whipsers to him, "do you think they [HER and I] have sex like that?" Before he could answer the opposing team intercepts the ball and starts running it down the field to which I started to yell, "You are going to get fucked! You are going to get fucked in the ass - TO DEATH!"

Which lead my friend, TrickWhiteyMan, leans over and answers his girl's question; "Yes."

I never even knew of this until he told me later on.

2009-09-16T10:28:00.002-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"WarHen"

Of the three he's most like: Nice.

Don't you ever let me hear you say something ill about WarHen this guy is straight up and down like 6:00. He's the guy I used to be or maybe even still be if I never decided that getting girls was more important than being a nice guy. ... and if I were white. ... and if I were carved out of fucking solid oak. Ok so I'm nothing like him but that's probably for the best.

The fact of the matter is is that WarHen despite the ridiculous nickname I gave him is like a navigational tool that points you to a land of rainbows (both gay and non gay), flying unicorns, soft beds, lakes of stew and whiskey too. All you got to do listen. Dude knows what he's talking about. Ok for real, what else do you need to know? The dude is so hard you don't know where bones end and muscle start, he'll drive you home when you're absolutely drunk (ask HER) and he's ok with me giving him a nickname like "WarHen."

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-16T09:57:00.002-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"DeSweet"

Of the three she's most like: Paitient.

Back during the days when I worked in retail hell DeSweet was one of my co-workers that just made the day go by easier. Always there with a smile or an encouraging giggle DeSweet is just someone who is so easy to get along with that sometimes you just feel bad for not being a better person. That's how it is for me that is. For what, 5 years? I've wondered how it is that this perfectly nice, perfectly sane individual would actually tolerate me being around for that long let alone even enjoy it.

Then one faithful day it hits me. STRIPPEROBICS. Stripperobics wha?! Stripperobics who?! I forgot the actual name of the class that DeSweet went to but in my head it's a stripperobics class. And that not only blew my mind but seem to fit so well at the same time. It was like finding the last piece of a 1,000 piece puzzle that you've lost right on top of a 20 dollar bill... lying right next to a stripper pole. It was awesome, it was sexy, it was fun it's just the type of person that DeSweet is.

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-15T10:36:00.004-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"Seester"

Of the three she's most like: Paitient.

I've known my Seester all my life. She's my 4-years-older-than-me cousin that I grew up with. She's like a sister to me so it shouldn't be all that surprising that the reason I got a shotgun (one of the bigger reasons anyways) was because she decided to go and spawn a little girl. I can't wait to be "that crazy uncle." Seester is my family and we are more alike than she'd probably like to admit. But she is definitely more proper and all the other reasons why girls may be better than boys.

Don't get me wrong, she will sock you. But she'll look really cute when she does it. She's the MOE anime character whereas I'm more hot blooded (or mabye even large ham). In any case my Seester is basically the type of person I want to be. She's more quality in a smaller package whereas I just try and make up for it in quantity. Because of which she is the other half of my muses. She's the one that encourages me to write better stuff because really, she's another reader and I have to try and compete with all the other awesome stuff that she has going on in her life.

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-15T08:58:00.002-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

Of the three she's most like: Awesome.

Oh giggles, funny how I've known you for this long and only now give you a nickname. Honestly it was between "Giggles" and "Squeaker." I met Giggles my first year at college. Back during a time I was still figuring out who the hell I was I met this girl who was kind of shy but very nice and we would hang out in the halls of our dorm for hours into the late night. I'm happy to say that she has become a force to be reckoned with in a party. Without her, the true corruption of HER into the "party side" would not have been as complete.

Everyone and I mean everyone needs a friend like Giggles to have a complete life. She's the type of friend that will buy you drinks then hold your hair up while you empty your face after leaving the bar. In guy land she'd be the guy sitting in the holding cell next to you saying how "that girl didn't look like a cop did she?" You can't, I repeat, CAN'T have fun without people like Giggles around. I mean sure you can sit around with your brandy, cigar and monocle and dick wave about what parts of the world you rule, but nothing beats a Friday night with Giggles - drinking or not.

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-15T08:33:00.004-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"BuffetChild"

Of the three she's most like: Nice.

I met BuffetChild back in my second year of college. This parrot-head is everything good that I'm not; she's a fantastic reader, a terrific baker, a cat lover, compassionate and a mommy. We've had many adventures together and even lived under the same roof. This girl knows me down to the core (being that she's read everything I've ever wrote) and is still happy to see me and will give me pie! Her hubby is a lucky bastard.

BuffetChild has calmed down some since motherhood. I hear the lack of sleep really takes a toll after a while. Still she's still wonderful to be around and have a talk with. The girl who got me into politics and the shit they fling, the person who got my Jesus (who's the wedding photographer whose boss will be doing our wedding) into photography, and a person that just reads THAT much is definitely someone who you can talk to about anything and she'll know something about it.

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-14T15:40:00.002-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"A-Bomb"

Of the three he's most like: Awesome.

I met A-Bomb through a mutual friend of ours. Since then we've been through many adventures and a fair bit of highs and lows. I would say A-Bomb maintains a very high level of balance between brains in balls. He's probably one of the smartest people I know of and also one of the more likely ones to jump balls first into something just for the thrill of it. He is what I imagine one of those at home, computer programmer types that goes out to a goth rave at night wrapped in a wine aficionado's shell.

A-Bomb is fricken brilliant and kind of willing to do anything and not shy. All those combined may make him sound intimidating but he's also really easy to talk to, he is always able to give a helping hand if he can, and he's got a cock like a babies' arm. I mean if I were to introduce him I'd be like "this is A... and his bomb."

Meet Our Friends

2009-09-14T15:16:00.003-04:00

I mentioned that I had wanted to introduce my friends to each other so I put out an open-air invite: HER and I are getting married (eventually...). I need to start introducing our people to our other people. THEREFORE those of you brave enough should send me a message saying "HIM (or whatever else you call me), blog me." Which I will then proceed to create a blog post about you and include a picture (probably either from my records or your facebook) and some other stuff I feel people should know about you. It will essentially be me kissing your ass for AT LEAST 2 paragraphs.

"Daema"

Of the three she's most like: Awesome.

I met Daema in college. I believe she lived below me at one point in time. I don't actually remember how we met but it was a long time ago. Daema is an emo-punk-gothic mentality wrapped in a sex-kitten-suicide-girl-ass-kickin package. Since I have known her she's never been too shy to speak her mind nor too unnecessarily cruel to subject you to how she really feels about, whatever. Translation: she'll speak her mind but in a nice way until you piss her off.

Daema is completely fun to party, hang out with, or just game. Yes she plays WoW, yes she has a lvl 80 rollin' in purps at the time of this writing. She's not quite full fledged nerd in my eyes but she more than makes up for it in bad-assery. Daema is also one of my muses for nearly everything from art to subject matter in this blog so if it wasn't for her half of this stuff wouldn't be here and the stuff that IS here would mostly be whinning.

Mixing of Friends

2009-09-14T13:18:00.002-04:00

Not to sound too egotistical or anything but I have a fair amount of friends. Not in a my-space-face-book-you're just a number to me sort of way either. I try to make friends wherever I go and I have been fairly successful in my travels. I've kept some friends since High School, separate years at college, from the gaming guilds I've had, work associates that have become friends, friends of friends and random people I've just randomly met. And while I'm pretty good at making friends I'm not too good at mixing them.

For some reason I have always just kept one group of friends separate from another group. Even the friends I made at college I have different groups for almost each year. Now this may make me sound like I lead different lives or that I'm fickle with people, or whatever but I'd like to think I try to be there when people really need me or when they just want to hang out. Sure this sort of thing would be easier if I hadn't been spreading myself thin but things happen, people move, and life goes on. If I didn't really care about these people I could have easily just let them slip away and never really talk to them again. Luckily (and maybe even the cause of which) I am an internet whore and keeping up with me is rather easy. I also have a fairly long commute which allows me time to call up people just to say hi.

And so, I finally get to the point. I have these groups of people that I know from different areas and times of my life and they are going to be invited to our wedding. Most of these people have known me for YEARS but don't really know each other at all. Sure some of them may know OF each other but haven't really had the time to get to know them like I know them, meaning, they would actually be polite to each other instead of instantly whipping into racial jokes, ass slaps, and drink requests. Yes, these are the types of people I tend to hang out with (are able to tolerate me).

And so because a wedding will happen eventually (if all goes according to plan) and these types of people will be invited I have to think of some way for them to realize that they all have hung out with me and have therefore gone through a social filter leaving only the awesome, nice and very very very patient. This usually means a party of some time thrown by me and filled with me introducing one person to way more people than a person can possibly remember instantly. But the way parties tend to happen is that people spend most of the night hanging out with people who they already know and that may leave out the nice and the very very patient of my friends. The awesome ones I never really have to worry about, they'll get drunk, drop their pants and start singing songs at any minute, with anyone who would join them.

So what I have started doing is start inviting a few from each group and forcing them to interact with each other in small intimate groups, until they realize that all sides are awesome and can be even more awesome together. Then I'll throw a big awesome awesome party, so everyone can celebrate how awesome awesome people are. And that, if I had my way, would be my wedding.

Is this being manipulative? Can I wear out the word "awesome" any faster?

Awesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesome.

Here's Me, Asking my Rabbi if She'd Official Our Wedding

2009-09-04T12:21:00.002-04:00

First a quick shout out to Rabbi Baum (HELLO!). This is her website/community, her twitter and this is where you can vote for her to be a Jewish hero. Yay!

E-mail as follows:

>>>>>>>

*Waves*

My name is [HIM] you may know me as "BigChinky" on twitter but if you don't that's ok. I'm writing you today because well, you're my Rabbi. I'm getting married you see, wait, first off I want to apologize if I'm doing things out of order. I am not too aware of the proper protocol for this sort of thing so if I say or do something wrong please don't take any offense. So as I was saying I'm getting married you see and both my fiance [HER] and I have been looking for a synagogue to sort of call our own. That's kind of how you found me.

Well since then I've very much enjoyed the community you've established and very much see you as my Rabbi. And yes while the search for a synagogue to visit still continues with [HER] and myself, I do sort of feel like I'm "cheating" on my Rabbi (you). Not in any sort of romantic sense but in the same vein as one may feel going to a different barber/hairstylist than their regular.

In any case my point is this. We are getting married on 10/10/10 (neat date eh?). And I would personally be honored if you would be my Rabbi during the ceremony. [HER] is ok with the idea but frankly neither of us are too sure about what the proper procedure to do/ask this sort of thing is. So I, being the more un-kosher and less worried about appearing shameful of the two of us volunteered to ask you if 1) would you be our Rabbi and officiant of our wedding 2) if so, (thank you!) what do we have to do? and 3) how are we to go about doing it?

Now I understand this may be a bit of a leap as you may not know us very well (it's cool I understand). So here's what I can offer at this moment. Of course we would pay for your round trip ticket to Baltimore MD (business class) and a night or two in the nearby hotel. This is our blog: ( http://chinkyjew.blogspot.com/

) that we both write in (even though it's mostly me). Careful, I do enjoy swearing on that thing. It will sort of let you know what kind of people we are. As for a more upfront introduction that follows:

My name is [HIM], I was born in DC on 1983 two two parents who immigrated here from Taiwan. I am a 6'2" 300 lbs Chinese-American raised with no particular religion from my parents. I'm pretty loud and outgoing and have to basic goals in life; to learn or do something that I've never experience before and to have kids so my family line doesn't die out.

My fiance's name is [HER]. She was born to an French/Egyptian Jewish mother and a full-blooded American East coast Jew. She was raised in a pretty conservative synagogue and has family that ranges from not-really-observant to from-Israel-pretty-Orthodox Jew. She is energetic, spunky and terribly nice.

I realize this is getting long and I know you are short on time so I apologize. But any insight or wisdom you are able to impart on us would be very appreciated.

Have a wonderful day, I look forward to hearing your service tonight.

[HIM]

I Propose...

2009-09-03T09:21:00.002-04:00

For those of you who have never heard how I proposed to HER here it is.

It was a Saturday morning and we were waking up together. We didn't have anything planned so we just laid there, cuddled and chatted. Here's how the conversation sort of went.

Blah blah blah blah blah...
HER: So, are you ok with being financially ruined by me then?
(*I had previously said that I would be ready to marry someone when I am ok with being financially ruined by them.)
Me: Yea I guess I'm pretty much there.
HER: So does that mean you want to marry me?
Me: Well I can't really imagine not wanting to marry you.
HER: Are you proposing?
Me: Uh I guess. Will you marry me?
Her: (I actually forgot what she said but figure it was some variation of "yes.")

So then we get up and roll over to an antique jewelry shop to buy her a ring.

That was the story of how I proposed. This is a new story.

Ever since we bought that ring I always said I'd get her another one. Something with a bit more "flash," something new, something a bit more us. While HER was perfectly happy with the one she got she wasn't really against another ring though. Each of us had our own conditions though. I didn't want a ring that would cut my hand up, I hated diamonds so at the very least a diamond couldn't be the center piece of the ring, and it had to be durable or else she'd destroy it. She didn't like gold or yellow metals so it had to be platinum, she wanted something simple yet elegant and definitely unique.

Many of the jewelry places we went to had pretty much the same rings. Yea, the diamonds varied the cut, clarity, color and carat (I actually know of this shit) but for the most part it was all the same or similar. Ring shopping was starting to become one very annoying process. Which I guess was good since it sort of prepared me for the eventual wedding process that I'm going through now.

It wasn't until we went to Taiwan where we met up with my aunt and a friend of the family and went jewelry shopping. There, we met a designer who we worked with letting us talk about what ideas we had and how we wanted it and saying what was a good idea and teaching us why some things were bad. In the end we settled on a design that everyone like. I thought it was very us and met all of my criteria, she thought it was elegant and very unique but worried about how it would turn out since we only saw it in drawing form. She's also not very good at imagining something in her head.

Well, the ring came and I rushed to my parents house to get it. My cousin was kind enough to get it for me on her recent trip to Taiwan and drop it off at my parents house. The ring was kept in a box in a bag that looked like it housed some fancy Chinese chocolates. I hid it behind HER's pillow between the bed frame and the wall.

When we went to bed last night I asked her to move down a little since she likes to sleep on my arm and having it raised like that made it feel weird after a whole night. It didn't really (what am I a pussy?) but it did get her head out of the way of the ring. As she was starting to get settled I pull out the bag. When she asked me what it was I told her it was chocolate. She had been wanting chocolate the past few days so hearing that she snatched the bag away from me and demanded that I tell her why I've been bogarting chocolate from her. I told her to hold on and I'd open the bag. I opened the bag took out the box and asked her if she'd marry me (again). She said something (what it was exactly I forgot) that was essentially a yes and I put her new ring on her.

I thought it was cool that I'd propose to her again in bed this time as we were going to sleep instead of waking up but I think she was kind of sad that it wasn't really chocolate.

Breakdown

2009-08-31T14:08:00.003-04:00

Let me breakdown to you what it is that I really cared about for this wedding. I want people to party and I want to do something different than all the (many) other weddings I've been to. So for me this mostly breaks down into food, photography and music. There are other things too such as I want to cut a cake (or better yet a pie) with a samurai sword but those really aren't that important. The three big things are the food, the music and the pictures. Or rather those are the things that cost the most money.

The food has yet to be addressed in full, I'm not quite done with the music but the pictures are done and boy, was that fun. One of my grooms men is a professional wedding photographer. I've worked with him on many projects, I respect (hell I'm down right envious of) his work and I was able to get his boss, someone that HE considers great, to shoot my wedding. It really wasn't much of a debate, it'd be almost criminal to not go with them. So please excuse me if I sound a little rude when I say I didn't really care about what Mother-N-Law had to say about the photographer.

Here's the [really really really edited] story.

We were looking for a time to go meet... Wait, let me introduce the photographer:

Bradley (hell I'll give him a shout-out).
One of my groomsmen's boss. He's a pretty young, clean cut, and an ADD as all hell individual. I've heard many stories about him and have seen his work. His work is pretty awesome and he's definitely not boring.
Main Goal: To sell himself, to sell his company and to do a good job.

We got the photographer which went rather easily compared to everything else. Some stuff happened afterward and I was really REALLY annoyed at Mother-N-Law. I was justified.

A Time and Place for Everything Part 2

2009-08-27T09:06:00.004-04:00

With the thought of actually eloping now on the table I tried to convince HER to let me in on negotiating with her mother. After all, what was there to lose? She agreed and we arranged a time to go over to a place, and talk about it. I was expecting we would sit down and talk about budget, what needs to be done, a time line, set a date, max and min number of guests etc. The Mother-N-Law was expecting us to go check out another site. So guess what we did? We went and saw another site. The only productive thing about this particular visit was it started to create the roles the players were to take in this ordeal and we were a little closer to setting a date. Not quite what I had in mind but more was accomplished that day than more than a year's worth of effort prior so I at least had to be happy about that.

Here's how our little merry band would work within itself - Mother-N-Law would suggest a place or something or other and we would all go. HER when we got there would give me a little prep talk to not offend her mother. Once we were there and sitting down with someone Mother-N-Law and HER would sit there and talk about whatever and every so often would ask me a question about something or other. Every so often Father-N-Law would want to say something that neither HER nor her mother wanted to hear. I would then take it upon myself to intercept his opinion so he would feel like he's being heard while not distracting the girls from doing or talking about whatever.

And that's how we visited sites. The girls would talk about something and when that something involved an issue that I cared about (and I'll get to that later) I would chime in. Otherwise I just gave Father-N-Law the attention he was seeking and enjoyed the free drinks I was often given. Eventually after visiting site after site we came down to two sites.

Damn this may be longer than I expected.

Site 1: My first choice, HER's second. This was a very nice place that gave us a fantastic deal. It was easily the best bang for the buck, the ceremony site as well as the grounds in general were gorgeous. They had elevators for the less-than-capable. The biggest problem would possibly be that the food may not be as good (which we still are not sure of yet) and the wait staff would probably be the best dressed there (full tux and white glove service).

Site 2: My third choice, HER's first. This place was a mansion in the middle of a neighborhood. The lady we met was very nice the grounds had potential and most of the service could be held outside / in a tent. This is why HER loved this place. She thought the outdoor grounds here were prettier than in the other places, maybe because it had a fountain, I dunno. The tent she loved because it was closer to the outside and was fitted for both a/c and heat.

We went with site 1 because it was more practical, the outside ceremony site I honestly thought was prettier due to the fact that it had flowers and I wasn't looking at a wall, and I didn't very much like the idea of paying more for a more relaxed place. There were also tons of stairs and not as much parking. I would say we made the practical choice, HER would say we went with that place because I always get my way. -_-

Well, I hope you appreciate me shortening this down, this was actually a very long, drawn out, and repetitive process.

A Time and Place for Everything

2009-08-26T13:14:00.004-04:00

The time and place this whole fiasco was to take place took more than a year to decide. It feels much longer though. When we first started to look we didn't have a house, and the crappy economy wasn't at the front of everyone's minds yet. The republican party still had a good hold on the government and their dogs adamantly refused to say that we were in a recession.

Does that feel like a long time ago to anyone else?

I any case the stars apparently have to align for you to have both a date and a place that you want. Having one without the other is totally useless in this process, you have to have both at the same time. It took us 2 months to learn that. Once that was learned why did it take so long? Because the Mother-N-Law and HER couldn't agree with anything. You see, back when I first proposed (and I did so knowing this would happen) we started talking about weddings. I gave her two options. I, the person who thinks weddings are superficial costly affairs, could have 50% of the say when it comes to decision making or I can do what most husbands do and pretend to care about every 3rd or 4th thing brought up to me. Her choose option A the 50% and we started planning. For the most part we agreed with everything or came to a compromise. It was actually kind of fun. When it came to talking to HER's mother about it though all of those ideas were basically tossed out the window and our wedding became the Mother-N-Law's show.

The fighting and frustration was mostly shouldered by HER. I was not allowed to speak to the Mother-N-Law because apparently I'm a loud and unfeeling machine and that's likely to pop the Mother-N-Law's bubble of emotionally charge, guilt powered paradigm. In HER's defense, that was probably a good idea. I probably would have been unmoved by the reasons why she would have wanted to do something and my stubbornness would probably make the Mother-N-Law want to kill me. The problem with that is that nothing really got done and had to deal with all of that mostly on her own. At this time I do want to point out that HER did a great job standing up for my right to have 50% say on this whole shindig. Wonderful job baby, I'm sorry it caused you so much trouble.

So a year of this goes on. HER fights with her mom, gets frustrated and comes crying to me, wishing she just listened to her father and eloped while begging me to not get involved. Personally I was starting to get tired of all this energy spent and making no progress what so ever. It wasn't until one day after another really long discussion between HER and the Mother-N-Law had a talk and finally got so fed up she refused to discuss it anymore and was going to let it be and if nothing happened by this day we would just get eloped.

To Be Continued...

...And I mean this, with all the love in the world...

2009-08-25T11:31:00.004-04:00

Look, I've had a really nice weekend and a really nice Monday so please understand that I say this with no real anger, it's just something I have to get off my chest.

It shouldn't surprise anyone that I put myself out there quite a bit. I want to be accessible I want to live a life without secrets and regret and if people learn a lesson from my exploits or get a chuckle or two out of it, awesome. What I don't usually do is put other people's stuff out there. That's not my business. That's not something I want to do. This whole fiasco (wedding planning that is) happens to involve many people and because of that I have been relatively silent. However by doing so I have been neglecting this blog, and by doing that, not allowed this blog to do what it was originally created to do, nor have I discussed the specifications of making such an event come to fruition. Because of that I haven't said much but I've changed my mind and there are some things I need to get off my chest.

BUT, I am reminded that planning a wedding (and the wedding itself) is supposed to be a joyous occasion and we should not try and make things difficult. At least, that's what my mother tells me. So to honor her wishes (and perhaps keep myself out of the dog house) I will try and be fair but I will also be myself. So there.

First off let's talk about the players of this little game.

Groom-To-Be
Me. The guy who doesn't really put much stock into this marriage thing but is completely devoted to his fiance and wants to make her happy. Has a tendency to be loud, dense, and stubborn.
Main Objective: To get through this fiasco alive with minimal after effects from both sides of the families.

Bride-To-Be
Her. The girl who was cool enough to put up with me and patient enough to stay with me.
Main Objective: To have an outside, spiritual and happy (small) party with friends and family to dance all night with.

The-Mother-N-Law
Her's mom. The Jewish mother who is part of and raised a very emotional family with roots in French, Egyptian, and Jewish cultures. "Proper" is the name of her second religion and she will call upon that god to smite thy and thine logic should it go against her church.
Main Objective: Be Jewish. Be Proper.

The-Father-N-Law
Her's dad. The guy who doesn't want to be left behind despite having no real interest in the proceedings regardless of how many times he's warned that he probably doesn't want to be there.
Main Objective: To tell soon to be bride and groom that they should have eloped and to be heard whenever possible.

The-Sister-N-Law
Her's older sister. Is only mentioned here because she should have gotten married first sparing me from this ordeal.
Main Objective: None that I know of.

The-Mother
My mom. She's the florist.
Main Objective: Make sure I don't get myself into too much trouble with the Soon-To-Be-Bride, The-Mother-N-Law, The-Asians, The-Jews, or anyone else.

The-Asians
Mostly the rest of my family. It doesn't count unless it's done over good food.
Main Objective: To eat good food and if it's good enough, to throw munies at us.

The-Jews
Some of Her's family, some of my friends, some of which keep kosher. REAL kosher.
Main Objective: I don't know but it sure makes it harder to feed The-Asians "good food" if I can't give them beef, chicken, duck, pig, lamb, lobster, crab, oysters, or eels.

The-Father
My father. He's my father.
Main Objective: "Meh." (I love my daddy.)

So those are the players. There might be more but we'll get to them if they come up. Stories coming soon.

I was right!

2009-07-13T12:38:00.001-04:00

Remember this post? What'd I say? Huh? Did I call it or what?

This is from craigslist:

Ok. Let's be honest. I came into the restroom, you were already midstream, and it sounded like a fucking firehouse was being deployed into the porcelain receptacle. This greatly enhanced my perception of your manhood. Your urethra is wide like the Mississippi, and could probably accommodate Huckleberry Finn, Jim, and several steamboats. I get it. Congratulations.

I entered the restroom, unzipped, and began the evacuation of a meager portion of urine. It trickled, nay, dripped, into the urinal. You know it. I know it. I was finished long before your manly stream was done, and you cast a sympathetic look my way. Possibly, you were worried that my prostate was enlarged by cancer or some other disease, and that it couldn't adequately squeeze my bladder. You probably pictured my dong as being a feeble man-gina, that dribbled urine the way a new mother's over-engorged breast dribbles milk. A dipple.

Well listen to me you self-satisfied prick. I can piss with the best of them. I can let loose a flood of a magnitude that might require God to come down from on high and warn some motherfucker to build a boat and grab some fucking animals. Forty days, forty nights. What happened is, I had a meeting. I was going to be leading a call with something like 30 clients on the line. I would have no chance to get off the line. So I just did a little top off. Just emptied the tank, even though I didn't REALLY need to go. I didn't count on Mr. Firehose Dong being right next to me. I didn't expect that someone with a urethra the size of my thumb would be punishing the porcelain one urinal over. So don't feel like you're superior to me, man. In fact, count this as an invitation. Meet me in the restroom on the west side of the building At 1:30 pm on Monday and I will UNLEASH HELL on the urinal. I will expel a stream of urine that will cause barn animals in the next county to flip out. Bring me a terrorist and I will water board that motherfucker with my pee. You will see rainbows in the geyser that flows from my pee hole. Let's do this.

Who wants to see me argue FOR intelligent (snicker) design?

2009-07-10T13:12:00.005-04:00

Yes I'm back but I'm feeling too lazy to go through all the vacation photos. They'll come... eventually.

For now please enjoy me debating with a friend while I take the side of ID. ID! Who would have thunk it?

I called this image: "Me Argue for ID hur hur."

I Saw TF2!

2009-06-26T03:29:00.002-04:00

Man, I came on here to brag all about how I got to see Transformers: RotF before any of my US friends because I'm in asia and therefore in the future. But then upon looking it up TF2 had a wednesday opening instead of a friday opening so I didn't REALLY get to see it that much before everyone else. Maybe just 12 hours or so.

But how about that for fandom? I flew half way across the world to see it before anyone. Suck on that beeches!

And it was very nerdgasmic.

Whah-Pow Beeches! Whaddup from Taiwan!

2009-06-19T23:47:00.003-04:00

Hey I have 12 min to report. So, here we go!

Taiwan is a land of flat slopes. The ground is paved and flat but only in sections. Everyone who owns land apparently wants to have their land slightly higher than their neighbors. Therefore there are 1 to 2 steps everywhere you go. It's very much an e-peen sort of thing (penis waving contest).

And I don't give a damn if I'm generalizing, I'll generalize all the hell I want.

FOR EXAMPLE...

This is a land that's been conquered, reconquered and/or left by nearly every country that's ever had conquesting dreams. It's like a stepping stone to any would be imperialistic country in their journey to try and rule the world. Because of that there are a lot of influences and they don't always mesh very well.

Taiwan is a land that will have face masks to cover up and protect the wearer from pollution and various virus. BUT they will lift that face mask to smoke. And they'll smoke a lot of you let them. The smoking accesorries here are as plentiful as flavors and fixings at a starbucks.

Anyways I'm short on time and I have on-lookers as I'm in an internet cafe. So much pressure. It's not as wi-fied here as I would like but then again there's NO place that is wi-fied as I would like.

6 min to go. Baby you want to say anything?

Are you happy to see me?

Hell yea! I'm a sad pathetic mess when you're not around.

Awwwwwwwwwwww..... No!

Dad: running out of time!

Me: Not much time... what do you want to say?

Her: Can't wait to show everyone my pictures and see everyone when I get back.

Good. Done?

Yea.

K everyone bye!

I'm Leaving You

2009-06-16T12:34:00.002-04:00

... But I'll be back.

This time tomorrow I'll be on a plane heading to Japan with the final destination of Taiwan. If it's going to be anything like my last trips to the Asian continent I haven't quite slipped into insanity yet. I'll just be at the point where I start getting tired of standing because that's what I do on a flight to Asia. I stand... the entire way. Fucking little seats.

Well if you miss me I will certainly do my best to blog the trip. I'm certainly going to carry around my phone to twittering is a possibility. In any case I'll be back before you know it and until then I guess you can read about my previous trips to the Asian continent. If I'm lucky this trip will be just as eventful without any of the horribleness...

... I'm looking at you, Chinese toilets...

Japan

China

Yay I get to see Her soon!

I'm Done With Superhero Comics

2009-06-15T09:57:00.004-04:00

Yea, I read comics...

I think the biggest mistake the comic book industry has ever made was to bring Superman back. Sure the guy was a legend. But when they killed him it was huge news. It was on covers of magazines people were talking about it, it was the death of an icon. More than that people identified with a piece of fiction and comics were viewed as something to be paid attention to, a piece of art.

Then, a year or so later they brought him back and that move cheapened everything.

From then on, death was viewed as just something that happened, something that could be reversed and comics were again divorced from reality. I believe that by doing so comics once again are the stuff for children. No real substance, just fantasy. There's a bunch of people here and a bunch of people there and they fight because one is labeled good and the other evil.

I feel that by DC Comics reviving Superman they set back the movement of comics being taken seriously. Since then no superheroes' life or death was covered as much as that one except for maybe the death of Captain America.

When I read that comic it was so surprising and delivered so well, but the cynic in me just couldn't shut up and enjoy the story. "They'll bring him back, the voice in my head said. Death in comics mean nothing." I was really hoping for that voice to be wrong and I said if they ever do I'd be done with comics. The american superhero kind anyways. If they bring back Steve Rogers as Captain America I will no longer view superhero comics as art or anything else other than uncreative rehashing of one story after another for the purposes of making a buck.

I died a little today.

Show Your Gratitude and Shut Up

2009-06-11T10:04:00.002-04:00

So, the a/c of the house is not working and never really worked. We bought the house during the winter so it wasn't that big of a deal. Part of the agreement though WAS to get that fixed though. So yesterday was the day for the guy to come and finished the work he's been doing. I asked the in-laws to help out since they're retired and going up to the attic during any time of the day when the sun's been out for a while just plain sucks. So they agree and come wait at the house and let the guy in etc etc.

I'm thankful. I really am. I appreciate what they did for me, I really do. But either they didn't take their shoes off or didn't ask the guy to or both but someone's been walking around the house with shoes. It's as if I walk a pig around smothered in cheese around their house.

I spent the entire evening cleaning up. I guess it's something I should do anyways but...

Nevermind. I'm so glad I was able to get my in-laws to help me out. I'm going to shut up now.

Her is Gone... To Thailand.

2009-05-26T08:02:00.004-04:00

Her left me alone for 3 weeks. Here's some evidence that I, believe it or not, actually have (some) emotions! (gasp)

Her being far more emotional than I started to cry and miss me before we even got to the airport. Very touching. Of course the entire time I didn't get it. What's to miss? She hadn't left yet, I'm still sitting next to her and she's going off to do something she's been dreaming of for years. Why spend the time missing me instead of being excited for your trip?

My guess she probably got a little choked up when we parted ways as she went through security check. But, as soon as she sat down in the plane, all that was gone and there was nothing but excitement for her trip to the un-wiped ass of Asia. I'm not calling Thailand the ass of Asian let alone an un-wiped one. Her specifically wanted to go to the worst parts of Thailand so she could kind of get some culture shock. That and Thailand is in southern Asian and does have a "crack" in it.

It took me about 7-8 hours after she left for me to start missing Her. After we left the airport and headed back to my parent's house I spent some time surfing the web before we sat down and had some lunch. Gathering up my things, I headed back to my own house and it wasn't until an hour or so went by I realized how quiet it was. Well not entirely quiet as I still talk to myself, but there was no retort at all. I went around doing whatever I felt like doing and there was nothing. No one to bug, no one to bug me asking me to do something or just a random question and for the first time in a really really long time, I felt lonely.

First I felt lonely then I realized I was alone, which kind of made me sad. Then I realized I'd be alone for 3 weeks which was the exact moment I started to miss Her. I sad now. I wonder how long this feeling is going to last...

"Pissing Contest"

2009-05-12T10:54:00.002-04:00

Usually a "pissing contest" is a non-verbalized competition of ability in any particular field usually by men and half the time over something utterly stupid. One such competition is "who can spit the most/farthest."

Well recently I have encountered my own pissing contest and because it's non-verbal my participation in it is already assumed so there's no backing out. Oh sure I can state that I'm not participating in such competition but that would break "man law." Even if you didn't count the breaking of man law #: 00004 - Don't talk unless something needs to be said or risk being mistakenly observed as talking about your "feelings" (whatever the hell THOSE are) and required to turn in your man card; I'd still be backing off from a challenge. While nothing in the man law book specifically addresses the consequences of backing off from a challenge the debate of being labeled as a "bitch" is being negotiated.

Here's the challenge that's being presented to me: I walk into a bathroom and someone's peeing. What WAS a somewhat silent standing pee (redundant I know but I LOVE alliteration), probably a bank shot off the porcelain wall, is now the noisiest, prostate flexing waterfall this sumnabitch can muster. This guy is now going full force into the little pond there and is now splashing his wee all over the place in what I can guess is a show of machismo.

What I don't get is why is this a competition? To me making the loudest noise while you pee shouldn't be something to strive for (urine splash back aside). To me I want the opposite and I'll tell you why. Ever been to a really big waterfall? Shit's real loud right? That's the sound of thousands of gallons going over a ledge and smashing into the water below from a height that (while varies) can be considered pretty fucking high. Ever fill up a cup from a water cooler? Not really loud right? You hold your cup right below the spout and there's not that much noise at all. Why? Cause there's not much distance to go.

So for the the object of the game is to make the least amount of sound possible since there is less of a distance to travel from "spout" to "tiny pond." But you know what? I don't mind. He makes all the noise he wants, I make as little noise as I want, we both walk away feeling like winners.

Except I don't have pee splash back on my trousers.

Detox... HAH!

2009-05-06T13:38:00.002-04:00

A co-worker of mine did a 9 day detox program. Upon hearing of her successful completion of it a lot of my other co-workers were interested in it as well. I got put on the e-mail list perhaps as a subtle hint that I'm a fat bastard. Below is what she sent and after that, how I saw it.

>>>>>Original>>>>>

Ok so for the next 9 days, you will mostly fruits and vegetables and clean your body and mind of impurities naturally without fasting or putting toxins in your systems. Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day. Since you don't really eat bad as it is, you'll probably just be losing water weight. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep of journal and write how you feel each day or just twitter. (Sounds gay but it works!)

Number of meals per day:
* 4-5; eat in moderation don't stuff yourself.

Food Preparation:

* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED. For maximum results, I would just do raw or steamed since grilling takes away a lot of good nutrients in veggies.

* You're allowed 3tbsp of low-fat dressing on your salads. Once again for the best results just use a balsamic vinegarette or drizzle some EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) on your salads. No creamy dressings or dressings with cheese and mayo in them, aka blue cheese, ranch, thousand island whatever else there is.

* If you're grilling your veggies, use a minimal amount of EVOO, 1 or 2 tbsp.

Sample Schedule:

Workout a schedule that fits your lifestyle, but keep in mind the spacing of the meals and the need to have at least 4 meals per day. For late-night snacks, have sliced fruits or raw/steamed veggies like celery, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, or asparagus.

8am..........Meal #1
11am........Meal #2
2pm..........Meal #3
5pm..........Meal #4
7pm..........Meal #5
9pm..........Light Snack

Ok I attached the food lists.

Enjoy!

>>>>>Me>>>>>

This is how I read it. Teehee.

Ok so for the next 9 days, you will remove that pesky habit of immortality from your self (preservatives keep your body fresh). Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day, unless you’re Franklin and don’t own a scale nor am able to come up with a good reason to ever have on. It’s all for the best, the scale probably won’t be able to count that high for you anyways. Since you probably will never do this we’ll just list there the most ridiculous stuff we can think of and if you do decide to do it (probably due to someone challenging your manliness) we’ll have a great laugh at your expense. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep a twitter since you’ll be doing that anyways (internet wh**e), that way we’ll be able to enjoy your suffering from the comforts of our computer chairs..

Number of meals per day:
* 4-5 (yay!); eat in minuscule proportions so small that it’ll just get stuck in your teeth and you’ll never have actually ate a thing (awww).

Food Preparation:

* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED don’t even dream for a second that you’re allowed to induce any flavor into your foods. Flavors == calories. For maximum results, cut up a vitamin into fifths and eat that throughout the day. Remember to get it stuck into your teeth.

* You're allowed to have someone who has actually eaten something to spit on your salad. Hopefully they ate something delicious like bacon. Don’t worry, the calories have been absorbed by them already.

* If you're grilling your veggies, feel free to dream of a steak. Dreaming is 0 calories. If you can try and get yourself into “good food withdrawal.” The shakes and egregious amounts of sweat burns calories.

Sample Schedule:

Remember to do this as often as you can in public places. There are people out there you can cheer up using your misery. For late-night misery when no one is around be sure to tape yourself or at the very least blog about it so we can have a good chuckle with our morning cup of coffee.

8am..........wonder how long this day will be
11am........first delusional mirage of the day
2pm..........well fed co-worker cursing workout
5pm..........Vodka and diet coke binge drinking
7pm..........pass out
9pm..........dream of supreme pizzas

Good luck!

Thank Seat Belt!

2009-05-05T08:49:00.001-04:00

Not mine but still a great poem (not that all MY poems are great) from a guy who calls himself "Fingers."

Oh Seatbelt who art in auto
Tight be thy name
Thy Chrysler come
Thy latch be done
in Saab as it is in Nissan
Give us this day
Our daily hold
Forgive us our speeding
As we forgive those who tailgate behind us
And lead us not into tree
But deliver us from Domino's
For thine is the holddom, and the
Powersteering, and the glory,
forever and ever,
buckle in.

A Conversation I Had With My Cousin

2009-05-04T10:32:00.003-04:00

Cuz: I have a proposition for you
HIM: oh?
Cuz: your woman's basket discount ends aug
Cuz: which is soon
Cuz: unless she can sell $1000 in baskets in 3 months
Cuz: BUT today there is a special
Cuz: you can sign up for free
Cuz: and get a $74 basket for FREE
Cuz: just pay the $10 shipping
Cuz: want to sign up?
HIM: so I have to sign up for this thing?
Cuz: you seriously don't have to do anything else
Cuz: yeah
HIM: I don't want MORE baskets
Cuz: it's a $74 basket for $10!
HIM: but... I don't want baskets
Cuz: the asian in you can't say no to that
HIM: but the man in me can
Cuz: haha
Cuz: just do it
HIM: do you want the basket?
HIM: I'll do it if you want to pay the $10 to get that basket
HIM: I have no problems with that
HIM: but I have no idea what to do with another basket
Cuz: margo wants it :)
Cuz: http://ic.longaberger.com/esuite/home/vanessabrown
Cuz: fill out
Cuz: please :)
HIM: I want to tell you a story
HIM: one day a young man was moving in with a young girl
HIM: the young man didn't want to but the young woman insisted he help her pack her stuff
HIM: since the young woman tended to have a tendency to gather a lot of crap
HIM: so the young man opens up the bathroom closet thinking "well this should be a good place to start"
HIM: inside was a treasure trove of girly things that he didn't understand
HIM: the young man had chosen poorly
HIM: still, not to be deterred the young man set forth to gather the young woman's things
HIM: to which he discovered that the young woman had amassed an impressive collection of hair conditioners
HIM: 2 big, deep, WIDE shelves worth of it in fact
HIM: whenever one was removed (past the 12th bottle) the young man glanced at the young woman with bewilderment and shock
HIM: the look was always, ALWAYS returned with the comment "but it was on sale."
HIM: the end

Cuz: now you'll have a basket for all those conditioners
HIM: you know what? That story was too awesome to be contained only in this chat box. This is going onto the blog...

***And you know what? I thought she was done, but my cousin is both wonderful and persistent so it continues...

Cuz: so seriously
Cuz: go sign up
HIM: but I don't want a basket
Cuz: but your woman does
Cuz: yes I'm forcing you
HIM: do you want the basket?
HIM: I'll do it if you want the basket
HIM: but I don't wanna buy something I don't want
Cuz: but your woman wants the basket
HIM: no she doesn;'t
Cuz: I have 5 of those baskets
Cuz: haha
HIM: she hasn't told me she does
HIM: do you get something for me signing up?
HIM: cause you can just tell me if you do
Cuz: I get $25 in goodies
Cuz: but so do you too
Cuz: it's more a... holy crap it's free to sign up
Cuz: get everyone I know to sign up
Cuz: sent an email to [other friend] too
Cuz: hehe
HIM: but... I don't wanna
HIM: circumcisions may become free one day
HIM: those things cost $500 at the hospital
HIM: doesn't mean I'm going to run out and get one
Cuz: HAHAHAHA

I got a joke fer ya...

2009-04-30T14:21:00.002-04:00

200 hundred years ago when the US was a younger, stupider nation they joked that there would be a black president when pigs fly.

Now our president is taking care of his first 100 days, and swine flu.

New favorite commercial

2009-04-20T11:57:00.000-04:00

I has one!

Did you know?

2009-04-17T09:07:00.002-04:00

You (supposedly) can have companies bid to provide you power. To me having a choice is awesome and can probably save you money or, at the very least, feel better about your current provider of magical ju-ju to your house.

Before I start everything I know about this I just learned a few minutes ago from this site. I hope to do some more research to see what I can dig up but I'll also sum up what I can here.

Here are the states that have this for sure (according to the site): New Jersey, Delaware, Illinois, Maine, Oregon, Texas, Arizona, Washington D.C., Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Michigan, Virginia, and New Hampshire.

Supposedly there is a site that is independent from the power companies that gauges the costs of various power companies that may be available to you depending on your zip code. Now I've tried a decent number of zip codes for MD but none of them really worked. Which sucks BUT I am curious if this is true so, if I find anything out I'll be sure to let you know.

Living with Pigs

2009-04-16T11:22:00.003-04:00

This is an article about a man who spent a few days living, sleeping and eating with pigs. During his stay in the pen he learned and developed a way to communicate with the pigs and grew an appreciation and understanding of the animals we eat and what goes into it. Because of his new education he has become a more conscious consumer and realizes that pigs are far more intelligent than we give them credit for.

This sort of thing makes me want to get a pig for a pet even more.

Oh! One last thing. The man didn't become vegan or even a vegetarian. Two months after this experience he actually missed and ate bacon. Yea that's right. Behold the power of bacon, you'd step over your own mother to get some wouldn't you?

Religious / Political Bru-ha-ha

2009-04-16T09:56:00.004-04:00

There's some talk about Texas seceding so I dug up an old favorite article of mine. Enjoy.

>>>>>

"Red State vs. Blue State"

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no

purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

What if All People just Disappeared?

2009-04-15T11:06:00.002-04:00

What happens if people just disappeared all of a sudden? Yea I know it's old, but Her hasn't seen it so I figured I'd share. These are my sources (there were more but I can't remember them). What I have that follows is basically a summation with my own little comments.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19225731.100

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4939078184096254535

Summary:

Instantly – 1 day. Pollution stops. Cars stop running and factories stop producing.

24 - 48 hrs. Blackouts start to occur due to no one adding fuel to power stations.

1 day to 2 yrs. Rats and other vermin run rampant. House cats dominant species in cities.

1 week. Anything caged that can’t escape is dead or dying and will probably soon be eaten by something. (includes zoo animals)

5 – 20 yrs. Fishes start to rebound from overfishing.

20+ yrs. Original dominant species take back their hunting grounds

20 yrs. Every single goddamn poodle died or has gotten eaten by now. Sadly more awesome dogs like Boxers, Bull Dogs and other short nosed dogs who can’t hunt die too.

50 yrs. Most forests are 80% of what they were before human intervention

10-100 yrs. Roofs start to cave in and buildings start to crumble.

100 yrs. The average “committed global warming” finally stops as equilibrium is finally reached.

1000+ yrs. Human effects on the ozone start to fade.

10,000+ yrs. All evidence of our dominance disappears or is destroyed.

20,000+ yrs. The oceans finish absorbing the extra ozone.

100,000+ yrs. Most evidence of our existence is gone, except maybe for some nuclear waste and fossil record. Maybe some tightly packed and stacked newspapers will still be around.

The Online Tests That I Find...

2009-04-09T18:13:00.001-04:00

Created by Sex Toys.org

Let Me Explain Something to You Women (and to some clueless men too)

2009-04-07T12:19:00.007-04:00

I know you didn't ask but I'm going to explain it anyways.

In a men's bathroom there are standing stalls. Sometimes there's a separating wall sometimes not. Regardless of the presence of a wall or not if there is a wall full of opened stalls it is awkward for another man to come up right next to you and start peeing. How can I explain this very simply...

For a man, having another man pee right next to him is like, if you were a woman, having a man pee right next to you.

Look, I know you girls go to the bathrooms together and whether you pee or not you'll probably talk to each other. That's probably why you're there. You don't need to powder your nose, that nose is full on powdered, it ain't getting more powdery. So having a girl pee next to you when you're a girl probably isn't that weird or awkward. Hell, you probably hand each other tp under the wall divider while you're hovering there. Yea I know you hover or "sprinkle tinkle." Look, it's not because I peek or nothin' I've just been around girls for most of my life. My mother was a girl. Oh yea, you think Him don't know about you but HIM KNOW.

But let's not go into my past. Just know that I've learned a few things during my lifetime surrounded by women. You guys probably even "low-five" for a job well done and tp shared. And when you both are done you probably thank each other and give out hugs for such a warm moment of sharing and "sisterhood." Damn the man and his evil penis of hate and death. Frankly the idea of you guys hugging in the bathroom, like much of the stuff on the internet, both grosses me out and makes me happy in the pants.

So yea, a fellow sister peeing next to you, probably not that awkward. But if a man did it, and did it right next to you and all that seperated you two from your business was an OCCASIONAL 6 in x 3 ft wall I bet you'd feel pretty awkward. Wouldn't you like it much better if he did that shit on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ENTIRE BATHROOM?!

Yea, us to.

Signed,

Him and men everywere.

(Except maybe gay guys. They may high-five... But some of them probably have really high standards.)

http://omegle.com/ is made just for me.

2009-03-31T11:09:00.002-04:00

This is so great. My new hobby.

Don't know if I should post this...

2009-03-23T17:48:00.004-04:00

If Her sees this I'm FUCKED. (OH! Probably NSFW)

Literally!

And when I say "literally" I mean it's actually going to happen and not "take me more seriously."

Shamrock Fest Write-Up

2009-03-17T17:28:00.004-04:00

Alright, to those of you who don't know what Shamrock Fest is; it's a(n) (Irish) rock festival that has tons of drinking and supposedly Irish music in the DC metro area. The problem is that the only beer they have have bud light (@ $5 a pop) only some of the bands are really Irish or Irish sounding and there is a rather large amount of men walking around in kilts (which means that they aren't wearing underwear, because other wise it's a skirt). These are all decent reasons why not to go, certainly enough for me to not have gone until recently.

However Her loves Irish music, has never been to a concert, and wanted to do something for our 2 year anniversary the 14th (which was the day that the concert/festival was held). Sounded like the stars aligned and I was going to my first Shamrock Fest.

1:30 or so - we get there after an hour on the metro. I've never been to this before so I decided to wander around a bit and explore. Her explores with me. Once inside we find food places, rides and a map and schedule of going ons. Her decides to wait in line for a coffee and I would have waited with her except I hear some good tunes playing nearby.

Heartlessly I decide to head off to check out who it was, initially abandoning Her, who evidently decided that where ever I was going was going to be more interesting than a coffee line. Turns out I was right and our first band is (in my opinion) the best band we see all day. Every single band member was hardcore and Irish. I forgot their name but if you made heavy metal rape irish folk music and have that baby refuse to be aborted you'd have this band. I totally dug them and their sound and bought both CD's they were selling at the event.

2:40 or so - we find ourselves wandering around again trying to find other bands that I have at least heard of and looking at other things to see and do. Her believed that one of her more flamboyant co-workers was entered into the "best legs in a kilt - male catagory" and insisted that we had to go see. Until then she was cool with wandering around. We eat and see a couple more bands and Her gets into her very first mosh pit. Go baby. It's a rather mild one considering 1) there aren't that many people there and the music and crowd isn't all that angry of one. Still it is a mosh pit and she did go in which is more than I could have done considering my back and all... T_T

4:00 - Time for the best legs in a kilt competition. 25 guys compete for $500 and the title of best legs in shamrock fest. Only maybe 4 of the guys are cut and maybe MAYBE a total of 7 can be considered attractive. Of those 7 at least 2 (maybe 3) are gay. The rest are old and or fat.

I saw a lot of old fat penis that day.

If there is nothing else you get from this entry you should get this. I saw more old, fat penis than I have ever in my entire life... and I grew up with the internet! Shamrock fest shall forever be old, fat penis fest in my eyes.

Go old fat penis, you go and get your $500. And you too - hairy man with extra large holes in your underwear, go and get your second place prize of $100. Shake that thing too. What's that? You want to do a cart wheel? Go for it, just don't fall off the stage, cause I'd piss myself laughing if you did.

I wish I drank at this event.

Anyways we did more after that but at that point we've been rained on all day, it was cold and I can't for the life of me remember any of the band names I saw and liked. Other than the old female heavy metal group (who whild had some decent talent/skill didn't have any songs that were good), nothing can out smell the pungent stink of old fat penis.

So we left at around 5:30 but I think we had fun. And that's all I really can say about Shamrock fest.

*EDIT* I was told that the GOOD band's name is "Cutthroat Shamrock." Thanks babe.

Random Conversation 3/16/09

2009-03-16T15:19:00.003-04:00

Too funny to not put up and all I have to do is ctrl-c, ctrl-v...

Me: Adam is asking me to be his wingman do you have any qualms with that?
HER: wing man for what
me: his date
HER: what does that entail?
liek a double date?
me: no idea other than no sex
HER: when?
so confused
me: "the idea is that we both bring someone to take the pressure off and leave an easy out"
-adam
HER: why would u bring an extra guy along on a date
oh uh ok so u would bring me
or would you bring an other girl so it would be like two first dates?
when is this?
me: I guess...
I have no idea when this is
HER: whatever b
so would i be ocming on thie wingman thing or he would find another girl for you
me: no just me and adam
HER: to go pick up girls
me: wingman is a friend that helps a guy increase his chances of getting some
usually a wingman has sex with the ugly friend so his friend can get laid
HER: o...k...
well u can't have sex with anyone
me: I know
I made that clear already
nor do I want to have sex with someone I just met
... unless they were comically fat
I'm talking 300-400 lbs
HER: u wanna have sex with somone like that
me: want to... and wouldn't say no to are entirely different things
HER: i'm sorry baby please don't take no offense to this but would your penis be long enough to get through all that
i mean you would have to have a 1 footer to get through 400 lbs
me: that's what I want to find out
HER: ech
i might not touch you after that
me: I might not want to touch me either
but think of the story

Took a handwritting analysis

2009-03-16T08:53:00.000-04:00

Here's what it said...

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a person who thinks before acting, intelligent and thorough.
You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.
You are not very reserved, impatient, self-confident and fond of action.
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

Write up of Shamrock Fest coming soon when I get the time.

Superficiality

2009-02-25T14:58:00.001-05:00

So while having a discussion with the friends the topic of superficial break ups came up. This topic garnered more than a few laughs so I decided to go ask a bunch of my friends what is the most superficial reason that someone they know to have broken up with someone over. Included in this are people who were fuck-buddies who stopped fucking because of this. Here are some of the answers that I got.

Most Superficial:

The guy called his mother “mommy” still.

The girl ( a full blooded Asian ) did not act Asian enough ( dude was a white guy ).

The guy drove a Ford Truck.

Some common answers:

Penis too small ( The biggest one being about 3 in, “at the VERY MOST 3.5 in )

Unexpected amounts of body hair

Bad breath

Some of the more memorable ones:

Because he was missing a toe ( lawn mower accident )

Because they wouldn’t send a book ( ended a 3 year relationship )

Because he had aspirations of world domination ( awesome )

Meet the Family Brunch

2009-01-29T09:25:00.004-05:00

Ok - so clash of cultures here. Him and I just bought our house December 30th. Him hasn't even moved in yet (he's working on it). I've been sleeping there since the 31st however I still have lots of stuff at my sister's house I need to move out. We are having our family's meet at on the 15th of February at a brunch at our very unfinished house. We still need coffee tables, sofas, dressers (bed room furniture), counter for the kitchen, decorations. You must be thinking what doo you have - haha not much is the answer.

So below is Him and Her's view about the upcoming brunch.

HIM:
We shouldn't even have furniture they will only mess it up at the party.
If we have very little stuff when they come over people will buy us presents.
Lets let them know where we are registered so they can buy us presents.
As long as there is food it will be ok.

HER:
We shouldn't have anyone over to the house until it is finished and looks nice.
We should make sure the family is comfortable and that there are seats for everyone.
We'll call it a Meet the Family Brunch so no one feels pressured to buy presents.
The house has to be perfect so that I can show it off.

What if radios didn't exist...

2009-01-09T10:53:00.004-05:00

I was talking with a friend of mine and we were thinking. What if radios didn't exist at all and then they came out with the technology right now. We thought it may go something like this...

Inventor: Hey beetches guess what I made?!
Guy: What?
I: I made what I call a radio che-che-che-check it out!
G: Oh yea? What's it do?
I: It gives you free music straight to your face!
G: What do you mean it gives me free music?
I: I'm saying you turn it on and music will be there hittin' your ear holes with non-stop tune-age brudda.
G: Do I have to download it?
I: Hell naw foo', you don't have to download shit. I'll just be there non stop.
G: Well that sounds pretty good. Especially for free.
I: Dat's right bitch! Not only that it's wireless, peep the future...
G: Wireless?
I: You bet your ass it's wireless. You get dat shit free. It ain't even illegal or nothing either. You jam to yo shit right in front of da po-po and he cain't do nuffin' bout nuffin'.
G: Legal too?
I: Oh yea bitch. You'll get free tunes even if you don't have the internet. Tell you what, I'm such a nice mutha-father I've even given you different channels so you can pick what type of music you want to listen to.
G: HOLY FUCKIN' JESUS SHIT CAKES!
I: Please sir, language.
G: Sorry. So how much does this cost?
I: Not a ga-damn thing. You got a car?
G: Yea...
I: Well you can jes chill in that whip and listen as long as your batteries' runnin'.
G: No way!
I: Bitch did I stutter?
G: But what about when I'm not in the car?
I: You got a music player of any type?
G: Yea of course, I listen to my mp3's on them.
I: Dawg! You can listen to the radio on that shit too!
G: WOW! Radio on my ipod?
I: Whoa there... you have an ipod?
G: Yea why?
I: You can't get no radio on an ipod man...
G: I can't?
I: Naw, you better upgrade yo shit...

Quotes Taken from Actual US Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

2009-01-07T10:33:00.002-05:00

From this site.

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

12. “A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a sign post.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d receive change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60 Minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Go government.

Be Nice...

2009-01-07T09:13:00.002-05:00

I was nice once. Well a couple times actually. Every time I was I was immediately gratified in my doing so. Then something else would come along and equalize that gratification back down to regular blah or dig some and just make things just a tad shittier. I keep being nice because eventually I do something else that makes it all better but then that immediate gratification would be swept away by some other bullshit. At this point I'm scared to not be nice because what if the shit's going to come anyways and I'll have nothing to balance it out with?

Here's my latest story.

I lose my phone. Stupid me. Don't leave you phone in a loose jacket pocket and keep a back up of your phone numbers saved somewhere. Anyways I lose my phone and I figured hey this would be a great time to add Her to my plan, get a better plan and grab a new shiny. Mmm new shiny. So I call up my sprint help line and ask for a new better plan and two new phones. I was nice and polite on the phone I got the plan I wanted, I got two awesome phones at an awesome price and everything was going to be mailed to me and all was honkey-doorey.

Then the plan got fucked up.

The phone I got apparently unbeknown to me wasn't compatible with my plan. Why would a sprint phone not be compatible with all sprint plans? I have no fucking idea but it doesn't make too much sense to me. So I go to the store. The guy there is awesome and helps me get an EVEN BETTER phone for nearly the same price. The phones if you're curious are the sprint instinct to the HTC Touch PRO. The instinct required a simply everything plan and apparently the HTC Touch PRO doesn't. God, I'd procreate with that phone. It's a bit thick but I tend to like them darker, thicker and more useful.

Hi baby!

Everything works out fine in the store and I only had to almost yell at some guy on the phone. I was all prepped and ready to unleash a shit storm too. When I didn't have to I just stood there with all this pent up rage waiting to be unleashed but no where to direct it at. It was like trying to stop peeing midstream only with anger. If you every had a really angry piss and you tried to stop it in the middle I guess you'd know what I'm talking about.

So the girl gets her phone and I'm insanely envious. I try to steal the phone from her whenever she isn't humping it herself just to stare at the warm glow of the screen. I, have to wait for the phone to get in stock. While waiting I discover that the original person I talked to not only screwed up on my phone with the plan but he screwed up Her's as well. So another call to Sprint to fix this mess. This time a little less nice but still not beligerent and still paitient. The person I talked to helped me out, fixed everything (hopefully) and now I'm on a pretty decent high waiting for a trap door to fall out from under me and sending me into the person my pent up angry piss is going to be showered upon.

You know, I'm really sorry for talking about phones and urine in the same entry. That's not what I came here to say. The REASON why I wanted to write this entry was to encourage people to be nice because everytime I've been nice it's paid off. This is just one of many stories I have where being nice has paid off. I only did the happy -> phone -> pee thing to be funny. If you want a story with less of a stretch I'll tell an angry story next time...

Best Men

2008-12-24T09:28:00.001-05:00

Not mine but still funny.

(From http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/10/08/the-true-annoyance-of-being-the-best-man/ by Mike James "The Bestest Man In The Motherfucking Land")

The True Annoyance of Being the “Best Man”

I have been tasked with the unfortunate job of chauffeuring one of my best friends into the unknown oblivion that is commonly referred to as “The Institution of Marriage“.

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

As his best friend, who’s known him 5 times longer than his bride to be, I find it hard to deny my urges to save him from himself. Yet, after numerous attempts, warnings and threats, he’s stated to me that he’s determined to go down this moronic path, with or without my help.

I’ve sacrificed my time, my dignity and my very soul in order to be there for him. But most importantly, I’ve sacrificed the only thing on this Earth I hold truly dear……… And that’s my sweet cash.

Monetary $acrifices I’ve been forced to make because this louse found Love:

1. Engagement Party- Unbeknownst to me, with an engagement party comes an engagement present. An engagement present? Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta dish these two out a gift just for planning to get married? Where is the line? When’s the last time you gave your buddy a present just because he or she met someone? NEVER that’s when. But tradition says “when you get married you get a present every time you take a shit”. If that’s the case then I’m gonna have an engagement party every year. It’ll be like a second Christmas, I’ll have one every June 25th! Once my friends forked over the goods, I’d let a few months go by and call off the matrimony. Meanwhile I’d be sitting on a mountain of candy, booze and toys!

2. Bachelor Party - Kick ass! Strippers, hotel, hooch, gambling (in our case) and lots of laughs. As much fun as it was it still cost me close to 500 bucks, and that was just my share (which was a lion’s since I’m the Best Man In the Land). This motherfucker hasn’t even gotten a marriage license yet and it’s already cost me $650 smackeroos.

3. Tuxedo Fitting/Tuxedo Rental - $185 bucks people. That’s roughly two hundred dollars to simply put on a suit that God knows how many other people have gone commando in. Let’s break it down, from the minute I put that tuxedo on, roughly 11:00 AM, til the minute I take that tuxedo off (hopefully to bang away on a hottie bridesmaid) around 1:00 or 2:00 AM, it’s two bills. That’s maybe 13 hours, at 200 dollars that’s about 15 bones an hour! Would you pay 15 dollars an hour to wear a Halloween costume? I don’t fucking think so.

4. Rehearsal Dinner - Surprisingly this is basically the only occasion associated with the fucking wedding that’s not going to cost me shit but gas money. BUT with the gas prices soaring through the roof there’s a good chance I’m going to have to throw down 40 dollars just to fill up my old man’s gas guzzler.

5. Wedding Day - Wedding present. Need I say more? I’m a man, and a true friend. And a true friend doesn’t buy shit off the registry, he goes full throttle and he gives his boy the only thing he knows his boy needs. And that’s cold hard cash. Enough cash for Julia Roberts, circa Pretty Woman, to come back to your hotel room and suck your balls up and down for an entire evening. Anything less would be an insult to the rank of Detective Lieutenant Best Friend in the Universe.

And finally….

6. The Speech - As the Best Man I’ve got to stand before the entire crowd and deliver a concise speech that details the chronicling of our entire friendship. I’ve got three minutes to verbally traverse 15 years of time WITHOUT cursing OR bringing up any disgusting sexual acts. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I curse as often as a bird chirps. It’s in my DNA, me and swearing are like old people and apple sauce, we GET ALONG.

**Tonight I leave my beloved New York City to head back home and get this fiasco under way. I’ve made it halfway through the list and by this time tomorrow I’ll be on my way to completing #4. By this time next week all this stinking mess will be over. My buddy will be on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean and I’ll be back at my shitty job paying off this bastard’s happiness for the next 6 months.

With my luck he’ll be dead by the time I get married and he’ll never know the pain I went through.

Days of Obligation

2008-12-18T12:11:00.002-05:00

Walking around my work I wander into an co-worker's office and we start chatting about nothing. It was at this time that I noticed on her calender an event printed (not written by her) on Christmas day called "Day of Obligation." Wondering what it was and what sort of event goes on Christmas that I have never heard about in my 25+ years of life and my studies of religion I inquired upon it. The owner of the calendar didn't know what it was but assumed that it was a "catholic thing" because it was a catholic calendar.

Not satisfied with just that I inquired another co-worker of mine, who's not a catholic but a strong christian nonetheless (which is close enough for me) and asked her. While she didn't know either she was curious enough to look it up for the both of us. So what we initially found was that the days of obligation were feasts or sorts. Apparently you eat on day's of obligation, something chinese people can totally dig since nothing is celebrated to us unless it's celebrated with food. It still didn't tell us why or what it is. Some more digging and we find this website.

What this website tells us (or at least what we got out of it) are that the days of obligation are the minimum requirements for being catholic. How great is that?! Here it is in their own words:

"We call them obligations because the Precepts of the Catholic Church tell us that celebrating those feast days is a part of the minimum level of commitment to the Catholic faith."

How awesome is that?! They even draw a line for you to tell you what the minimum balance is to have an account in the bank of their faith. FAITH. I guess it's not really a you have it or you don't kind of thing. Hey baby, is there a minimum balance for Judaism? Could you tell me what the absolute minimum I can do to still call myself a Jew? Oh and if you can make all of those days a day where I just have to eat, that'd be great. Thanks.

Sick, Tired, Shopper, Gun-Owner, Home Owner? Even I Don't Know Who I am Anymore...

2008-12-17T09:14:00.002-05:00

Lot of changes going on. Some of them interesting, some of them annoying, all of them keeping me busy. Too busy to post which is why you will hopefully forgive us in our lack of updates. So let's just go down the list and address everything in the title shall we?

Sick - I am just now getting over a bit of sickness. It may have been food poisoning but I'm not sure. There was a bit of puking and a lot of pooping as my body just didn't seem to want anything to do with have stuff inside of it. While this may sound pretty bad to some of you because you've been through it I was actually kind of interested in where this journey was taking me. The most unpleasant part of this whole ordeal was putting my face where I was just shitting so I could puke. Still it was a bit interesting as I went through this journey of misery and I think I've learned a fair amount of what it's like to be sick and feel that I've formed a stronger connection with Her and the rest of the human race because of it.

Tired - There's a fair bit of drama going on in my life and it is exhausting to me. I must say I am ill equipped to handle this much as my drama muscle has atrophied to the size of a raisin. Still, they are friends and family so if I'm going to have to run a mile on a muscle the size of a raisin then damnit I will. It sucks to lose someone who you've been connected with for so long but the way in which that connection was severed it's sometimes best to just note the poor investment and cut your loses. While this may seem a bit cold I don't really have to be nice anymore so I might as well be objective.

As a good friend you try and be there for those who need you. Sometimes the fact that it's been a one way street may have eluded you. You're a good friend, you probably weren't keeping score. But if and when you do notice don't put up with that shit. It may suck but when you stop wasting your time polishing shit you may be able to find yourself able to actually find some decent people. And while I am emotionally stunted and am probably coming off a bit cold I don't feel as if I'm wrong about this. I will miss one thing though, I will no longer be able to say that I met Her by "dating her best friend - but we're still cool." Cause we're not now. Maybe I'll say something like "we were both dumped by the same girl for the same guy."

Shopper - I have never, ever, even including computers, did this much research on what to buy. We're getting a new house (fingers crossed) and with a new house comes new toys. And well each toy requires a bit of research, which one to get, how big, how many, what should it look like, what prices are there... It's quite a lot. How do people who like to shop do this? Do they just not do any research? Do they just know because they shop so much? How do they do it?!

Gun Owner - I got a gun! Buahahaha. I got a gun for a couple reasons. 1) my cousin spawned a daughter, 2) I always said I wanted to get a shot gun to polish for when she grows up and brings her "friend" over 3-5) some friends of mine spawned daughters too, 6) it's a good way to get some bonding time with my best pal in PA where apparently shooting is like peeing. Sometimes you'll just drink too much and you just want to shoot something, pull off to the side of the road, whip out your gun and bam! Now doesn't that feel much better?

Home Owner - There's a lot of stuff but none of it really matters to people who aren't actually buying the house. I must say this process has been way easier than what I expected. I've heard some pretty bad stories and really, haven't really seen that happening so far. At this point it's almost past the nightmare point and the only thing that I see that may go bad is that the sellers pull out, and writter's cramp from having to sign my name so many times on the closing documents. Wish us luck.

Changes

2008-12-16T09:29:00.003-05:00

*Post Removed*

Buh-bye!

Funny Commercials.

2008-11-11T08:08:00.001-05:00

Happy Tuesday.

Here are some funny commercials.

"The Aforementioned 'Other Thing'"

2008-11-06T12:52:00.003-05:00

If you've known me for a while, are pretty cool, and a girl eventually you might get a random call from me where I ask you stupid questions. Usually these stupid questions are completely random OR is resulting from my failure to understand the fairer sex.

The latest one was about... Oh hell I'll just post the question here:
I can understand that females would not appreciate males talking about "feminine issues" very frankly. But my question is do girls talk to other girls about "feminine issues" with the same swagger that a guy may report to another guy about how he just farted. For example would a girl say to another girl "Hey I'm flowin' something fierce can I bum a cotton stick off of you?"

I actually wasn't even going to post about this at all. I mean the thing started out as a freedom of speech discussion I was having with a friend. It wasn't until I got around asking people and then having those people request that I make a blog about it did I actually sit down to write this. So I will basically break down the answers I remember to the question here.

Every girl I ask did not have a problem with it. Most of the time it was just asked if another girl happen to have a spare tampon. There was an emphasis on discretion and tact but that doesn't mean it wasn't forward either. Some, secret code that women have with each other I guess. But that's not the real interesting part (in my opinion). The real interesting part is from those that strayed a little bit off the beaten track.

Some girls called it different names (not cotton stick). The funny ones I remember are:

Blood Cushion
C*m Catcher
and Niagara plug

At least one girl reported that she would go into much detail about "the situation." I believe the words "crime scene" came up a few times.

Anyways you asked for it. I wasn't going to put it up. Hope you're happy.

Halloween, Movies, and Losing Some Humanity.

2008-11-03T09:47:00.002-05:00

Halloween has now come and gone. Christmas is starting to rear its ugly head already and all I want to do is play WoW and take a nap. Still life goes on and my seemingly insatiable need to talk about myself does to so let's get to it.

Halloween this year wasn't something I really wanted to take part of. If it were up to me I would have just as much liked to dress up in something scary and give out candy to kids all the while scaring them too. I've become less of a party man in my old age. Her however is still in her goddamn springtime of youth wants to go out, drink, and party. Which means I have to go out, not drink but party. So instead of just some scary make-up I have to think of a more party friendly costume that won't be washed away by my sweat.

So I got my costume. It was going to be as Bane but because I am me and forgot about my hornless buffalo sized head the mask I had bought online didn't fit. Not to be deterred however I just made up a costume on the spot and went as the perfect boyfriend a Jewish girl could have; a jewish doctor. Armed with my kippa (yes it's mine), a set of scrubs, and my best "oy vei" I head off to a party where I know no one except for the people I showed up with.

Fun times were had by all. I ended up being punched by an idiot (he thought the bellagio buffet in Vegas was shit! SHIT! He wouldn't know good food if it had come into his home had sex with his mother and made a far more impressive and charming little brother) but didn't get into a fight. This is the girl's work. A fight over something totally stupid where I didn't throw the first punch was something I would have love to have (damn near begged for) 3 years ago. But now, because this guy in a mask is a moron and I have other people to consider I don't return with a punch. Sigh, I feel like a bitch, an adult, but also a bitch.

We also managed to catch a movie. After the Ravens game (which we won, take that browns!) we went and saw "Saw V." It wasn't bad and really continue to extend the series. If you're a fan of Saw II, III, and IV you probably could do worse in a Sunday evening. If you want a better review you can check out my other blog for that (when I finish my review). I have a friend who's all about this sort of hyper violent fun and because of that we have seen every Saw movie together. Her however has seen only bits and pieces of the other movies and tagged along. I had a fun time watching her reactions to the whole movie and seeing bits of her humanity slip away with every horrible death scene. She came out of it alright but she was a tiny bit curious to see the other films where before she would never watch such a flick.

There's one more thing I have to address but this is enough for now. More later if I get the time.

Baby, I want one.

2008-10-16T14:03:00.000-04:00

Look at the gorgeous top to bottom pleat!

Women Are Not Like...

2008-10-10T13:57:00.003-04:00

... Baseball. Otherwise everyone would cheer if you steal second base while no one was looking.

... Soccer. Running around kicking her all day and scoring once does not mean you've won.

... Bowling. You can't be fat, drunk and balding, finger a girl with with 2 dry fingers and a thumb, throw her away in the gutter and expect her to come back.

... Football. Because you rarely get 4 chances and when you fail you don't get to punt her far away and hope she stays over there while you let some other guys handle it.

... Basketball. Jumping up and sticking your crotch in her face while shoving your only ball into the hole does not mean you've scored.

... Golf. Wearing stupid ugly clothes and finishing with as few strokes as possible does not mean you've won.

Women are not like sports so stop using sport analogies for them. It's stupid and getting annoying.

To My Love, a Potato...

2008-10-09T14:31:00.003-04:00

I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks...
and that's if you leave them in water.
They really only exist to be pretty.
So that's like saying:
"my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"
But a potato!
Potatos last for fucking ever man.
In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them there.
That part alone makes it a good symbol.
But there's more!
There are so many ways to enjoy a potato.
You can even make a battery with it!
... and that's like saying:
"I have many ways in which I show my love for you"
My baby loves french fries.
But Her is my number 1 potato.
......
And she's better looking than a potato.

Happy Birthday

2008-10-01T08:49:00.001-04:00

Today is my mommy's birthday and I wanted to say Happy Birthday to her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! mwah.

Yay Roshashana!

2008-10-01T08:42:00.002-04:00

Him tried to make it to Roshashana dinner but I didn't get his message until too late. So sweet. Plus even if he doesn't convert he'll still be pratically Jewish because he's marrying me and people will have to accept, believe, and suck it up. Once we're not living an hour away from each other, it will be a lot easier for him to celabrate the holidays with me (aka be more jewish- mwhaha). YAY!

Plus I think him should get use to it because our children and him will have to deal with it for a long time since they will look chinese - and my children will be jewish.

Happy New Year Jews!

2008-09-30T09:42:00.003-04:00

It's Rosh Hashanah! I think it will be until tomorrow at sundown. It's the Jewish new year where jews everywhere go and join their families in an evening of eating and story telling and, if you're my age, toss around jewish guilt on why I'm not married yet. While I was invited to Her's family dinner I had a test and couldn't come. Seeing as how I don't look jewish at all and I don't think my professor would believe me, that sort of thing probably wouldn't fly for me. So to me, Rosh Hashanah is just a time where there was a lot less traffic yesterday and today. Yay!

Toys for Little Boys and Toys for Big Boys

2008-09-26T08:57:00.003-04:00

First the toy for the little boy:

Why is this awesome? Well first it shows that there still is innocence in the world. That and maybe my kids (that don't exist yet) will some day be able to grow up with big immaginations and some creative skills.

But more importantly, if you look closely at the box you will see that the toy is a Star Wars toy from the prequels. You know, the ones that sucked? So maybe the boy isn't all that creative or imaginative or that innocent. Maybe he just realizes that the prequels suck and a box is better than that dribble. Either way it gives me hope for the future.

Now toys for big boys.

Awesome.

My Baby is the Boss Sauce

2008-09-23T14:57:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am dense, very dense actually. Yes I am easy to surprise. But I have never had a surprise as big or as nice as this. Except for the time my gummies were stolen (and eventually returned) I was all too happy to have my girl lead me on a chase for my "surprise" on Sunday where I was totally caught off guard. We took a bus to downtown and went to the Ravens game! Not only that but she also got me this:

Yea buddy! I got me the Raven TE Todd Heap's Jersey. It's the official one so, wow, what a present. We went to the game where the Browns were visiting and left 18 points behind. It was a great game and we both had a ton of fun.

I just want those of you who read this to know that if you're looking for someone in your life to look for something more than just similar likes and dislikes on superficial things. Everyone likes music and movies, what type of music and what type of movie differs and is ultimately useless in determining whether or not your going to be a good match for each other. Instead I implore you to look for people who will let you be yourself but at the same time challenge you and make you want to be a better person. Neither Her nor myself would consider each other to be "our type" but we've found each other anyways. She's been good for me and I'd like to think that I've been challenging for her, but I sure to love that woman and I kind of get the feeling she loves me too.

Ok enough of this, I'm going to go hump my Jersey now.

Talk Like a Pirate Day!

2008-09-19T10:00:00.002-04:00

Yarrr! Tis talk like ye pirate day and I just wanted to tell me lass dat there's no ship that I rather be sailin' then Her's. Yer better than buried treasure and no less than 10 months worth of rum.

Arrrrrr.

2008-09-18T07:03:00.001-04:00

(7:01:25 AM) her: I had a dream you left me a note in the car addressed to me breaking up with me followed by a pile of Burger King coupons with little saying on them. The note said I hope one day you'll find that one special person for you - and the little saying on the Burger King things were supposed to be all philosophical and I guess the Burger King food was supposed to be comfort food.
(7:01:48 AM) him: hahaha
(7:02:18 AM) him: I think it means you're in love with the burger king and want me to get out of the way of your love
(7:02:28 AM) him: I think I'm the one that should be hurt
(7:02:40 AM)her: no you tried to break up with me how did you turn this around
(7:02:46 AM) her: =-O
(7:02:52 AM) him: ^_^ Morning baby
(7:03:02 AM) him: other than the dream did you sleep well?
(7:03:31 AM) her: :-)

Why this is funny to me...

2008-09-17T10:50:00.003-04:00

I was sitting here thinking to myself about this blog and how we don't really talk about our relationship all that much. Actually Her doesn't really talk all that much and I, being the online whore will just talk about what comes to mind. Truth be told I am a man and frankly men don't really think about our relationships on a constant basis. Certainly not enough or to any degree that I would consider interesting enough to blog about. That doesn't mean there isn't humor to be had in this scenario though. So allow me to express to you what it is that I find so damn funny.

There is a fairly big list of contradictions of why me and Her would sort of clash. Some of them is because she's Jewish and I'm an un-kosher pork eating heathen, but others are just because she's who she is and I'm who I am. I'll give you a quick example of a culture clash. Pigs are viewed in many religions as "unclean." Muslim being one of them and Jewish being another one. Chinese people have a saying; "if it has legs and is not a chair, we eat it. If it flies and is not a plane, we eat it. One big delicacy is a suckling pig, which is delicious. Therein lies a problem already, her family can't have pig and shellfish and that's a lot of what Chinese people eat at weddings.

Do you see now the dileama?

Jewish people tend to raise their children using a system of guilt. Kids feel guilty about something they did or didn't do and made to feel this way so that the inappropriate behavior won't continue. Chinese people (including a lot of other Asians) use a system of shame to raise their children. Which says to me that Chinese children must be more evil than Jewish children because it's a lot easier to say something and make the kid feel bad than to go and grab the beating stick to beat the child preferably in a public place to not only shame the child into doing right but also to serve as a warning to all the other children. To us it doesn't matter if you feel bad or not, you've done something bad and you should be punished.

This is of course full of generalalities and I should take the time that not all Jewish people are like what I've said (Maryland Jews eat crabs) and not all Chinese people are like what I've said either (monks are vegans). So to avoid further generalities I'll get to how we are (me and Her) on a personal level.

I am emotionally constipated. I am unfamiliar with the feeling of empathy, I laugh at probably unappropriate things and times, and other than a big hug and a paitient ear I don't really have much to offer for emotional woes. Her lives in a world of spirituality, feelings and emotions. These things have great meaning to her and without she feels off balance; a shell of her former self. The way in which we make this work? She's a hug-slut. My hug-slut. For her there's something in being that close to someone and feeling a connection in a moment of suspended bliss. For me, I get to slightly squish something. That, and she smells nice.

There's more but it's too many to put all in one post. Maybe sometime later.

It's SHOTGUN time!

2008-09-10T08:41:00.003-04:00

My beloved cousin (who's like a sister to me) has given birth to her little girl. Congrats to her and her hubby. It's a little girl and is apparently doing fine. Mom's good and sleeping currently and dad's I guess running around talking to all the people who are asking a bunch of questions, letting the new mommy get some rest.

As for me I'm getting my weekends ready so that I can go up there whenever they say I can to go see her and her new baby.

With nothing planned on the weekends now I guess I can spend my time shopping for a new shotgun. I probably have about 12 years to get surgically proficient at it. I hear they date earlier than ever now.

The No Jacket Clause

2008-09-09T08:13:00.006-04:00

Leave me alone long enough in a situation that will allow it and I will eventually get nearly nekkid. It's just the way I am, I did it since I was a kid and I never lost it. I guess it can be very similar to someone's attachment to a childhood toy, a blanket, the very sexy habit of thumb sucking or whatever. For me I don't like wearing clothes; pants in particular.

Which is why I'm so happy for the "No Jacket Clause."

While driving from somewhere that's not important, me and Her got to talking and she said that she wanted me to be comfortable throughout the wedding. To which I replied "then, do I have to wear pants?" Apparently I still do but she was opened to me losing another article of clothing. I believe the proposal went something like this. "Alright baby how about this; what if, I get myself really fit. I'm talking pecs, shoulders, and a flat stomach, could I not wear a jacket at all during the entire ceremony? I can be all sessy for you and you can make we wear whatever you want if I don't have to wear a jacket. Hell you can marry me while I wear a tu-tu if you want (because afterall, a tu-tu isn't pants).

So Her kind of thought about it, said how great it would be if I got into shape and said she would ask her mother. Fast forward a week or two. She admits that she likes the idea but isn't sure how her mother would go for it. I, being a person that I am take this as the agreement being set and I am now off on my journey to be married jacket-less. Cause really, fuck jackets. While I don't mind her mother's input because I actually kind of like Her's mother I also don't see a reason that our wedding should be her mother's opportunity to primp me up and parade me around for the enjoyment of her family. I'm alright being paraded around, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want to wear pants when I am. At least this time I don't have to wear a jacket.

The weight-loss, getting back into shape begins YESTERDAY.

Big Ass Update!

2008-08-31T19:18:00.003-04:00

This is going to probably be one of those updates that are like guests that over stay their welcome. But it's the end of August and if I don't talk about these stories now then it'll be too late to tell them at all and they will forever be forgotten in my mind that's like a steel siv.

First story: I thank god that I'm a man.

I don't have a lot to complain about my life. I'm one of the few people that actually enjoys going to work, my family doesn't really fight a lot, I have no significant debt, I've got food to eat, a car that works, and a girl that loves me. So I'm not complaining about my life, far from it. There are however times when I feel "disjointed." It's a feeling marked with some disconnection with the world, as if my plug into the matrix had been tripped over and some new intern is desperately trying to fumble my connection back into my head.

I was actually looking forward to letting Her take me to synagogue (I affectionately call it "gog"). I'm not a spiritual person let alone religious and my attitude towards religion is probably similar to some people's attitude to plushies; some times it's weird, some times you really want them to stop but for the most part it's harmless and if people want to do it whatever, please don't do it in front of me or better yet don't tell me.

So, in a moment of weakness (bad connection to the matrix, stupid intern) I actually was hoping that the "gog" and jewish religion would bring about a reboot, a reconnect if you will. Sadly (happily?) that didn't really happen. I did enjoy myself more than I usually did though as we (they) discussed labor day and to remember and appreciate the people oh whom this holiday is SUPPOSED to be for but in a cruel twist of reality are the only ones that are working on that day.

So thank you, person who was working at the wedding place we visited this weekend.
Thank you, mailmen, trashmen, firemen and various other government workers.
Thank you, farmers, retail people, janitors and various service industry workers.
Thank you movie theater workers, grocers, food service and other entertainment workers.
Thank you all for working so hard in making all our lives livable. I promise to stay inside and give you guys as little trouble as possible during your day that you were supposed to be napping instead of helping me. Thank you.

So I'm disjointed. As I'm just about to utter a complaint a person I know falls flat on her head. Why does she fall flat on her head? Because she was was having such a rough part of the month that she just passed out from the loss of blood. Now, I've given blood before and I've given up to two pints of blood in a sitting but I have never felt like I was going to pass out. So I can only imagine how much blood one has to lose to want to pass out.

So I get it, my life it good. I've got nothing to complain about. I'm a man, and I don't bleed out of my cock. So I'm good whoever's listening. I've got no complaints. Thanks.

Story 2: We've got babies and I'm going to eat them.

Check out how big of a genius Her is. Not only did she convince me to buy some herbs, but she got me to plant them with her. Not only am I now being tested on my ability to be nurturing and sustain life but she also made me think it was my idea, and that I've always wanted to do this. Not only am being watched I even think it's great! How she did this should never document should men and women ever be equal. Know this however, I will eat them one day and it will be delicious.

Story 3: Wedding venue visit

We went to a place that Her fell in love with from the internet this weekend. We went with her parents and... and... God I'm still fucking exhausted from all of it. Ask her to tell you about it.

Story 4: The gay pride parade

We went to a gay pride parade because Her has never been to a parade before let alone a gay pride parade which, of the parades that exists are the most colorful. I've got a bunch of pictures but don't know if I'm allowed to post them. I guess I'll have to save them for a post in the future and... and...

.....

God I'm tired of talking. You must be tired of me talking by now. I guess I'll leave it here for August, see you in September.

Vids for some or all of you

2008-08-27T22:09:00.002-04:00

Because sometimes you want to put something up but are too tired to think of stuff.

Good thing there's youtube.

For the people who read into stuff way too much...

For some of my friends of whom may eventually have a daughter...

Quality Time With The Kids - Watch more free videos

For anyone who likes cute things and/or bored engineers with pets.

Where was I? Oh yes, less pain...

2008-08-25T09:16:00.000-04:00

I really don't have too much to say about my hospital stay. I was only there for a day maybe two and everyone has heard every "hospital food sucks" joke I can think of.

Still, much kudos to Her for staying right next to me for nearly the entire time, helping me out and then putting up with me when I got back home.

... There's a lolcat for every occasion.

In any case to this day I'm still not 100%. On the outside you would not be able to tell, but I still can't run, jump and lift things like a normal person. Sometimes though I can't help myself and let loose a small joyful bound. Most of the time it either involves Her or videogames.

13 days until Spore is released. SQUEEEEE!

Ooops, I think I jumped around a bit too much there...

Profile Update!

2008-08-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

Work has been busier than expected so not as many updates as I would have liked. But I updated my profile some so go check that out if you don't already know who I am I guess. ^_^

Cutting Him Open

2008-08-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

Before I start talking about the last surgery I just want to point out two websites that are covering the Olympic Medal progress.

The official site
The NY Times site

Ok on with the story.

The actual amount of waiting I had to do in the waiting room wasn't all that much. It was actually quite pleasant all things considered. My thigh and back felt as if it was being clamp between some giant with unpleasantly chapped fingers but I got a really fat wheelchair so it was alright. Seriously, imagine how fat a wheelchair has to be in order for me to be amused just by sitting in it. I mean it dwarfed me and was quite comfortable. By the way, I want it to be noted here how difficult it was to NOT put in a your mom joke in that last sentence. I really wanted to put something like "the chair was huge; it would have almost fit your mom..." or something like that but because I'm going to try and be a little more hi-brow I will only talk about talking about your mom.

The real waiting came when I got into my hospital gown and laid in bed in some little hospital cubby. They checked out my vitals and prepped me and have me comfy blankets, but it was still a lot of waiting. Eventually I was able to get some visitors in my cubby so my parents and Her came in to visit and make the waiting a little more bearable. Lying down I was in significantly less pain so that whole situation was far more pleasent even taking into account that I didn't get to sit in a ridiculously large seat with wheels.

After a few hours of waiting for the doctors and nurses to clean up what must have been a glorious gory mess (for the time it took for them to do it it better have been), it was my turn to go in. I'm wheeled into a bright room that was bitterly cold. I was very thankful for the prewarmed blankets that the nurse had given me. I didn't even remember when I was knocked out, they didn't tell me to count or anything. I guess they just doped me up while I was in the middle of talking to everyone to shut me up.

So I was out. I didn't have any cool dreams, didn't wake up in the middle of it, nothing. Sigh...

I woke up in pain. Horrible amounts of pain, and the pain was incredible. It was an incredibly horrible thing to wake up to as you can imagine. I did my best not to move around too much for extreme panic of not quite knowing what was going on and for fear of making it worse. The hurting did make me shake a lot and it wasn't until a nurse told me to my tear soaked face that I had done well and everything was ok, that I started getting over the sudden over-stimulation and started being able to manage the pain. They probably gave me some painkillers too which probably helped a bunch. I don't know for certain but eventually I got the morphine drip button which was probably the happiest moment I had in that hospital.

Go happy button - ..::click::..
Ahhh it was so great, almost as good as your mom.

More later.

"Summer Classes for Men"

2008-08-11T08:42:00.000-04:00

Saw this on one of my gaming guild forums and thought it was funny. Wanted to write a response for women but thought better of it because it would seem sexist on that forum. I have no problem doing it on my own blog though! Original post and my version after.

Summer Classes for Men at THE LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 27th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

My response...

Summer Classes for Women at THE LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 27th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE OVERWHELMINGLY SIMPLICITY
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE UNLIMITED AND NO NOTES ARE ALLOWED TO BE TAKEN.
Relax and stop over thinking.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Beer Mug--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Potpourri--Do bathrooms really need rabbit food?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Peeing Standing Up--You can do it, we can help.
Target class will be scheduled on a future date depending on interest.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between A Car With Oil Changed Regularly and Not--Pictures, Diagrams and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Work Requests--You can either tell us to do something or how to do it, not both.
Therapy sessions on relaxation and letting things go meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Sense of Identity--Not losing your identity to vapid talking heads telling you what you ought to be and how.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming at the Man.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Giving Him Head Is Not Harmful To Your Health and is Great for His.
Graphics, Audio Tapes, Movies, Pamphlets, Demonstrations, Technique Discussions, Models, Guided Tours, Lectures, Virtual Reality simulation, Round Table Discussion, Square Table Discussion, Freakin' ANY and all Discussion, Note Cards, Phone Call Reminders, Telegrams, Sing-O-grams, Money-Grams, Strip-O-Grams, Highway Billboards, and Sky Writing.
Five nights; Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday at 7:00 PM for as long as we have to.

Class 9
Real Women Don't Brace Themselves For Everything That Comes Within a 40 ft. Radius of the Car--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Parallel Park Well?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to How to Live with Each Other--Basic Differences Between Not Remembering and Not Caring.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Gaming Companion.
Waitressing Exercises, Don't Forget the Funions.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Dying from Heat and Cold within 5 min of Each Other.--Eat something; preferably something with iron.
One night; When do you want me to pick you up?

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration--Yea, you too.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of all of the above courses, halos will be issued to the students.

Where To Get Married

2008-08-10T01:01:00.001-04:00

So, I'm trying to be a good fiance and blog so here I go. I never was really sure about what I wanted for my wedding except for a few details. Having an outdoor wedding in a very natural and beautiful environment is one of those things. I also would like a smaller therefore less stressful wedding. Well it seems that having a small wedding is out of the question with both Him and my mother against me (two against one wins I guess). So I have been in search of the other thing (the place I want to get married) and I think I may have found the jackpot (cross your fingers). I'm pretty excited because I recently think I might have found the place I'm going to get married. It's the beach wedding I want but at a place that will please everybody I think. It's handicap accessible for my side of the family and well their food isn't as over priced as other places which means Him should be able to order more of it. It is an hour drive from me though, which is a negative for my mom. However, the way I see it is, if I can't have my 40 person beach wedding well at least I can have the beach part. Right now my plan is to be super excited about this place so if it does end up being as good as it seems on line my fiance and mother will have to feel really really guilty about saying no 'cause it will make me sad. Now I just have to hope Him doesn't read this before we go on the 30th or it will ruin my big plan.
If all goes well I'll come back and post some links to pictures or something, plus it will give me another reason to blog.

Him's Back (sorry for the pun)

2008-08-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

There’s a good reason why I haven’t been updating. That reason is life. You see it has been a while since I have able to truly live. There were periods of weeks (maybe months) where I just couldn’t do anything because of either pain, exhaustion or sheer disability. Do not worry though. I am better, have been better for a couple weeks now and have sense been using that time to enjoy myself, Her, and life once again.

Still, that doesn’t mean that I have forsaken this blog, nor will I not tell the stories of the events leading up to today. They are just too good for me to keep to myself. Just keep in mind that while reading them it is all in the past and I am better now. OK?

The first story takes place the day before my surgery and the day before that. The surgery I believe was a Wednesday and so on Tuesday I spent the majority of the day lying in bed, hoping the sun goes down so eventually it will come up and I can get cut open. I didn’t do much. Even my sweet sweet escape of World of Warcraft eluded me because I simply couldn’t sit upright enough to play, and being in any other position other than lying down was both painful and painfully exhausting. I drank only to keep my mouth wet and to take my painkillers which had stop killing to pain and instead fought it at a stand still at a certain line. That line was two notches above unbearable. I had also found that that should I not support the front line with more “troops,” another line gets crossed every half hour. So, I laid there. Thinking only of the pain and robbed of two of my greater joys, my computer and eating.

Something that was never brought to my attention was that the pain medication I took (percochet) had a tendency to cause hard stools and/or constipation. I had pretty hard (difficult) craps before but I didn’t know it was because of the medication. I just figured I hadn’t eaten much and therefore hadn’t had much fiber. I actually didn’t find this out until a day AFTER my surgery that the pain meds would give me this much pain.

It’s Tuesday, and I hadn’t shat for 2 days. I don’t eat much at this point so I don’t really have much to shat, I figure today would be a good day. So I go, or at least I try to go. I didn’t know I was constipated so I thought the reason why I couldn’t go and why it was hurting so much was because of my screwed up back. So I try, and I try again. And if you never had constipation it sucks. There’s not much I can really compare it to. There’s a feeling of wanting to release but unable to, there’s pain, you’re sweaty and nekkid (sort of depending on how you go)… it’s kind of like being choked only completely opposite. To avoid this entry to be to scatalicious I’ll say this and then end this entry; I’d rather have diarrhea than constipation. Apparently too much is better than not enough.

Next story will be the surgery and post-op.

Funny or Not?

2008-07-08T14:48:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure if this is good or bad to post here but I found it hysterical.

http://view.break.com/493085

Freakin' Pain...

2008-07-07T14:04:00.000-04:00

I love my cousin Wei Wei very much. I was born 4 years after her, we grew up together, she moved away but we still eventually found a way to stay close. She is as much of a sibling to me as any sibling can be mutiple states away. I have also grown quite fond of her husband as well and will therefore seek out any excuse to go and visit them. Even (as recent events show) attended a "Fourth of July Party" that doesn't even really exist.

The reason I bring this up is to illustrate that the ONLY reason why I would be happy about leaving them is to get a surgery to fix may back which is leaving me in quite a fair amount of pain. How much pain?

When I went to get cortisone shots for my back I went in, limping, lamaze breathing, crocked, and near tears. The act of sitting would send a wave of nerve pain going up my back and down both legs. I sat because even with the pain of sitting down, the act of sitting put less pressure on my body which means the pain at the level of 8 would go down to a 6 or 7.

I put a scale to the pain because that's what the doctors asked me. "1 to 10 with 10 being the highest; how much pain are you in?" They would ask. Usually the answer was around a 7. Of course sometimes in the waiting room I'd see and hear someone else come in and asked the same question. The same person would then walk (with no limp), fall back into their seat, reach up with full range of motion with both arms indicating where their said boo boo was and lightly respond with a "oh I don't know... ummm... 7 or 8 maybe? :-) (Yes that smiley face DOES need to be there.) Those fucking whores. They're not at a 7 let alone an 8.

Maybe because I've had my ribs cracked before and know that no matter how much that hurt (and hurt it did plenty) it could not be worse than having the entire rib broken in twaine. Maybe because I include my guess on how much it may hurt to be a cancer paitient or a burn victim. Maybe it's because my scale is logorithmic or my pain has just made me an impatient horrible cuss... but during those times; I hated those pricks.

My pain was such that I truly looked forward to more pain because more pain was usually new and different and during the best of times would reduce the amount of constant pain I would have. It was to the point where I had several positions to best initiate such pains in hopes of reducing the constant pain:

"The Hanging Monkey" was when I would lay my right side facing a wall or something taller than the thing I was laying on. I would then put my left leg over it and pull with my left arm in an attempt to make my spine bend towards my left in order to make it crack so the hurting would be less.

"The Playboy" would be to lie on the floor with my butt at the corner of the floor and wall and prop up my legs in a 90 degree fashion in hopes that doing so would make the hurting be less.

"The Wall-Brace" would be to shove myself as much into a corner as possible forcing my shoulders forward in an attempt to crack my back.

"The Lazy Kitty" was a belly up position with one half of my body laying on something that made me lie at an angle as opposed to flat on my back. Sometimes this was the only way I could get to sleep at all.

"The Rape" was lying flat on my back, legs spread and usually propped up in order to decrease the feeling going down my legs.

Anyways, all this is due to a "slipped disc" or "disherniated disc" in my L3-L4 spinal position, leading to pinched nerves. I had gotten a surgery before when I was 14 for the same thing in my L4-L5 position. It seems that the warrenty of that surgery has expired and it's time to pay up again. I figured if it keeps going like this I'll be 125 when it reaches my head and I'll just die finally from a swelled head.

In any case the surgery was supposed to be for today but the bastard is going on vacation so I've been post-poned to live with this for 9 more days. "I don't usually talk about this" is a lie. I always talk about the crap I go through and I see no reason to stop now with this blog. Yea I know it doesn't really have anything to do with the wedding but it is really a big think between me and Her's relationship. She's actually more upset with this than I am. Laugh at me and feel sorry for her I guess.

Parent's Day

2008-06-23T16:25:00.000-04:00

Ah the eventual day where the heads of the red team go and meet the heads of the blue team in the mutual acceptance that one day they will be related to each other. It is a day that could have been filled with awkwardness, painful silences and/or fisticuffs. Ours however was not nearly as exciting. My parents were as they usually are, my mom dressed to the latest fashion trends by designers of whom I can’t name because my French isn’t that good. My dad, goofy and passionate about his latest endeavors spoke about them no matter how irrelevant they were to the current conversation.

Her parents were very nice and played along well. I’ll let Her introduce her parents.

Coming along for the party were not only us but Her’s sister (and maid of honor) and my cousin (who’s like a sister to me) and a future bride’s maid. If I had it my way I would have invited both the parents to a place where they would meet and the two of us would abandon them for an hour forcing them to talk about how evil the children they have are and then be bonded by mutual disgust. Unfortunately Her veto’ed that idea.

The place that was decided upon was the Cheesecake Factory. We picked there because the original idea was to go to a Chinese place since every other time I’ve eaten out with Her’s parents it was to a Chinese place that served Americanized Chinese gruul. Such a place would be damn near insulting to my parents as it is almost damn near insulting to me. We couldn’t go to a REAL Chinese food place that serves REAL Chinese food because it would be in unfair territory. So we decided that the cheesecake factory would be the most neutral of meeting grounds. And there just so happens to be one in between my folks and hers.

I honestly don’t even remember what was discussed so it probably wasn’t too important so I’ll just leave it at this.

Fun/Interesting Links

2008-06-19T18:23:00.000-04:00

I recently found a bunch of links that might be helpful for people in our situations or similar situations. I'm putting them up there just as much for you as it is for us in the present and future.

Apartment Therapy - Cool things to do to your place to make it look spiffy, and the equally important, Apartment Therapy ohdeedoh which is the same thing except it's for if you have kids too.

Petfinder - *Note to Her* this doesn't mean we're getting a pet, it just means should we decide that it's a good idea this would be a pretty decent place to start looking.

Lookybook - A place where you can flip through kids books in their entirety so you can decide whether you want to buy it or not.

Nymbler - a naming website.

The Nest - a resource for those that are going to start living together and start managing things on a jointly basis. A little yuppie but still very helpful I think.

A Sturdy Ring For A Sturdy Girl

2008-06-18T14:00:00.000-04:00

"Her"

Well "Him" really wants me to try and write even though I hate to write, so I thought I would talk about the ring. When Him and me went to go get the ring it wasn't like most couples go to get a ring. I know nothing about jewelry, stones, cuts of diamond, or anything of the sort and I'm pretty sure Him is as clueless as me.

We went to a little fancy antique shop where we looked around for a while until one of the people finally pulled out a set of three very small and simple (delicate) rings. They weren't too big or gaudy and just what I had wanted. One of them had a white pearl in the center with a red ruby on either side. It gave Him and I an idea and we decided to get me a black pearl with a sapphire on each side. However, it turns out that I can't handle a pearl since they are soft jewels. I would probably bang my hand against things too much or loose it since it needs to be taken off to shower and wash dishes.

So the ring we got was a bit sturdier, a sapphire in the center with two small diamonds on either side. But, to tell the truth I think I've already put it through a little wear and tear. The white gold covering is already coming off to a shiny yellow and one of the little diamonds looks off center. So when Him and I go shopping for the keeper ring I think we're going to go for some platinum and a very strong setting.

Pappi's Day

2008-06-17T08:41:00.000-04:00

So Father’s day was this past Sunday. Because my parents don’t really give a damn about these superficial holidays we went to Her’s family father’s day gathering. There was lots of family there and I got to meet some uncles and aunts I don’t believe I’ve met before. I’ve always liked Father’s Day because I feel that real daddies don’t get enough recognition. I’ve noticed however that as the years go on Father’s Day is being shared with “graduating students” becoming “Dad’s and Grad’s Day.”

Two things I disagree with... The first is that I think it is diluting daddy’s day by smearing it with a day that is less likely to occur if that particular daddy didn’t do a decent job raising a decent kid e.g. graduations. Second thing is that this usually is going on for high school graduates and not College graduates. I think it’s safe to assume this because college students tend to graduate earlier and also graduate in the winter too and I see no ipods going on sale in the winter time. In any case this is rewarding someone for doing something they’re SUPPOSED TO DO. You’re supposed to graduate high school. Why the fuck do you get presents for doing something that if you failed to complete you’d be shunned for. Shouldn’t the lack of shunning be enough of a gift that you would want to graduate?

There is a plus to all of this though; the sales. Apparently, dads and grads like the same toys, which is awesome to me because it shows that guys will never really change and will still like cool shiny gadgets as we go towards our older years.

Freakin' Gas Prices

2008-06-12T08:07:00.000-04:00

Alright everyone and their mothers have complained about gas prices. I know that already. I'm going to bitch about it now but at the end I'll relate it back to the wedding.

(How the hell am I going to relate gas prices to a wedding?! Read on to find out)

I recently got some gas, driving a truck it is something I oft do. I have a credit card that gives me a rebate on gas. If you don't have one I strongly suggest you get one. In any case when you use a credit card to buy gas the initial swipe has the gas station deducts a certain amount, you know, to make sure you have enough money. Usually the amount is a really high total and however much gas you bought, the difference is refunded back to you when you are done. Well the last two gas transactions I had were $75 even. I didn't notice the first time because that sort of thing happens, the second time in a row however I checked my gauge after filling up and the fuckin' thing isn't full. $75 does not fill up my tank anymore. In order to get a complete fill up I have to do two transactions for a total of AT LEAST $75! SONAVABITCH.

Now, onto the wedding. When it comes to weddings some people like traditions. They like to include things that their family or religion have done for generations. Me, I'd like to have a personal wedding. I want my wedding to say "Him's Wedding" at every turn. I would be very happy if every one of my guests thought to themselves, "damn Him really had his hand in everything here." For example, I don't like cake all that much. But pie... ohhhh pie. So if it were up to me I'd have a wedding pie and me and the wife would cut it with a samurai sword. I do however realize that I am getting married to another person and that person probably have their own ideas about how their wedding will be.

So, when wedding talk started to get serious I asked Her, "look, you have two choices. Either I play no important role in this, I pretend to care about every third thing (which is advice given to me by a very wise now-married person), and you just tell me the day before when and where I'm have to show up OR my opinion counts 50% on everything. And honestly Her has been really good about all this. She was even ok with the pie and samurai sword idea, just so long as she can have the option of warm brownies and ice cream. My fiance is awesome.

But this entry hasn't been about my finance. She's been great. Her mother though... That's a different story altogether. Her mother is a pretty traditional Jew. Much like any traditional culture a wedding is a "village event." The wedding isn't about or for the two people getting married. It's for their families and the various people the parents know and want to impress. The dad wants to suck up to his boss? Guess who's coming to the wedding. I for the most part am alright with this kind of wedding. I understand. It is however the type of wedding that you just need to tell me when and where to show up the day before and I'll be there. I think Her's mother really really wants to do that sort of wedding. And I'd be ok with it but Her doesn't want that type of wedding either.

There is however another option. And this option is the only way this whole entry of mine can work. Her dad has always suggested eloping. Every time the wedding topic comes up he whispers to Her, or to both of us to elope. With eloping we save him a whole mess of trouble and he'll just give us the money that he would have spent on the wedding. And you know what? I could spend that money and get me a motorcycle...

I've always wanted a motorcycle, and it'd save me a rack of gas money too.

Her...

2008-06-11T21:58:00.000-04:00

Hey! You tricked me. Oh well, it works as a good introduction.

Him: Introduction

2008-06-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

So why a blog? Well to answer that I guess I have to tell you why everything this is about...

You see, I am a forgetful man. I blogged in the past to keep a record of past experiences, share stories and save myself the trouble of trying to remember what stories I told who in order to not repeat myself. I blog now because I have been engaged for a whole month now and have noticed that not only is this a new adventure I would like to remember and keep a record of, but it also holds massive potential for fun stories, opportunities to poke fun at myself and share our experiences to all of you lovely people.

It all started one Saturday morning in bed. This is where I proposed to my fiance. Yes I did propose to Her one Saturday morning while waking up in bed. Yes while a proposal in bed is not the most epic proposal ever; when it comes as a result of a conversation that was me stating that I could not imagine not wanting to marry Her and wanting to be with Her until a time I cannot begin to imagine; it was plenty romantic.

Being a man that has been the officiant of 4 weddings, part of 3 wedding parties and attended countless others there are some patterns one tends to notice. The first one that came to mind was that if you are proposing to someone to delay the talk of marriage you are in for a rude slap in the nuts. Proposing is the green light to open the flood gates to the superfluous-metaphoric dam of all the wedding dreams your now fiance has collected over the X number of years of her life. I had accepted this fact already and therefore was alright with the decision to get out of bed and go pick out her ring. Yea I haven't bought the ring at this point, sue me. I was willing to go right then and there to get it though, that makes me even right?

The ring story I'll leave up to Her since it's more of Her cup of tea than mine.

One more thing that I will add though is this. In the age we live in not only is there a library of books for every activity or fascination we have but there is also entire worlds of online forums and communities for you to log into to gather up an entire army of "yes men" and "yes woman" who will both completely agree with everything you say and have your back no matter what crazy side you make pick. As much as I love my computer I choose the path of private reading and got a book on marriage. Jeez a book, this ordeal is already changing me.

FELLAS. Heed my words. Should you find yourself in a similar position as me here are some words of advice. DO NOT pick up a wedding book written for men BY A WOMAN. Unless of course you want to be yelled at by your fiance AND your literature about how you should not complain so much because all YOU have to do is care and that's nothing because that can't even compare to finding a stylist and then having to find the right style, get test hair and make-up then find the dress, and then make sure the dress, hair and make-up all match and THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ALREADY CARE ABOUT ANYWAYS! Seriously, if you don't mind feeling lost and completely unjustified in your actions by all means... I instead, picked up this book which is filled with diagrams and short, easy to read FUNNY sections. You don't have to listen to me but the fact that I even know about test runs for hair and make up means I've been there and I'm just trying to help YOU out brah.