"Pissing Contest"

Usually a "pissing contest" is a non-verbalized competition of ability in any particular field usually by men and half the time over something utterly stupid. One such competition is "who can spit the most/farthest."

Well recently I have encountered my own pissing contest and because it's non-verbal my participation in it is already assumed so there's no backing out. Oh sure I can state that I'm not participating in such competition but that would break "man law." Even if you didn't count the breaking of man law #: 00004 - Don't talk unless something needs to be said or risk being mistakenly observed as talking about your "feelings" (whatever the hell THOSE are) and required to turn in your man card; I'd still be backing off from a challenge. While nothing in the man law book specifically addresses the consequences of backing off from a challenge the debate of being labeled as a "bitch" is being negotiated.

Here's the challenge that's being presented to me: I walk into a bathroom and someone's peeing. What WAS a somewhat silent standing pee (redundant I know but I LOVE alliteration), probably a bank shot off the porcelain wall, is now the noisiest, prostate flexing waterfall this sumnabitch can muster. This guy is now going full force into the little pond there and is now splashing his wee all over the place in what I can guess is a show of machismo.

What I don't get is why is this a competition? To me making the loudest noise while you pee shouldn't be something to strive for (urine splash back aside). To me I want the opposite and I'll tell you why. Ever been to a really big waterfall? Shit's real loud right? That's the sound of thousands of gallons going over a ledge and smashing into the water below from a height that (while varies) can be considered pretty fucking high. Ever fill up a cup from a water cooler? Not really loud right? You hold your cup right below the spout and there's not that much noise at all. Why? Cause there's not much distance to go.

So for the the object of the game is to make the least amount of sound possible since there is less of a distance to travel from "spout" to "tiny pond." But you know what? I don't mind. He makes all the noise he wants, I make as little noise as I want, we both walk away feeling like winners.

Except I don't have pee splash back on my trousers.