Detox... HAH!

A co-worker of mine did a 9 day detox program. Upon hearing of her successful completion of it a lot of my other co-workers were interested in it as well. I got put on the e-mail list perhaps as a subtle hint that I'm a fat bastard. Below is what she sent and after that, how I saw it.

>>>>>Original>>>>>

Ok so for the next 9 days, you will mostly fruits and vegetables and clean your body and mind of impurities naturally without fasting or putting toxins in your systems. Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day. Since you don't really eat bad as it is, you'll probably just be losing water weight. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep of journal and write how you feel each day or just twitter. (Sounds gay but it works!)

Number of meals per day:
* 4-5; eat in moderation don't stuff yourself.

Food Preparation:

* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED. For maximum results, I would just do raw or steamed since grilling takes away a lot of good nutrients in veggies.

* You're allowed 3tbsp of low-fat dressing on your salads. Once again for the best results just use a balsamic vinegarette or drizzle some EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) on your salads. No creamy dressings or dressings with cheese and mayo in them, aka blue cheese, ranch, thousand island whatever else there is.

* If you're grilling your veggies, use a minimal amount of EVOO, 1 or 2 tbsp.

Sample Schedule:

Workout a schedule that fits your lifestyle, but keep in mind the spacing of the meals and the need to have at least 4 meals per day. For late-night snacks, have sliced fruits or raw/steamed veggies like celery, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, or asparagus.

8am..........Meal #1
11am........Meal #2
2pm..........Meal #3
5pm..........Meal #4
7pm..........Meal #5
9pm..........Light Snack

Ok I attached the food lists.

Enjoy!



>>>>>Me>>>>>

This is how I read it. Teehee.

Ok so for the next 9 days, you will remove that pesky habit of immortality from your self (preservatives keep your body fresh). Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day, unless you’re Franklin and don’t own a scale nor am able to come up with a good reason to ever have on. It’s all for the best, the scale probably won’t be able to count that high for you anyways. Since you probably will never do this we’ll just list there the most ridiculous stuff we can think of and if you do decide to do it (probably due to someone challenging your manliness) we’ll have a great laugh at your expense. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep a twitter since you’ll be doing that anyways (internet wh**e), that way we’ll be able to enjoy your suffering from the comforts of our computer chairs..

Number of meals per day:
* 4-5 (yay!); eat in minuscule proportions so small that it’ll just get stuck in your teeth and you’ll never have actually ate a thing (awww).

Food Preparation:

* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED don’t even dream for a second that you’re allowed to induce any flavor into your foods. Flavors == calories. For maximum results, cut up a vitamin into fifths and eat that throughout the day. Remember to get it stuck into your teeth.

* You're allowed to have someone who has actually eaten something to spit on your salad. Hopefully they ate something delicious like bacon. Don’t worry, the calories have been absorbed by them already.

* If you're grilling your veggies, feel free to dream of a steak. Dreaming is 0 calories. If you can try and get yourself into “good food withdrawal.” The shakes and egregious amounts of sweat burns calories.

Sample Schedule:

Remember to do this as often as you can in public places. There are people out there you can cheer up using your misery. For late-night misery when no one is around be sure to tape yourself or at the very least blog about it so we can have a good chuckle with our morning cup of coffee.

8am..........wonder how long this day will be
11am........first delusional mirage of the day
2pm..........well fed co-worker cursing workout
5pm..........Vodka and diet coke binge drinking
7pm..........pass out
9pm..........dream of supreme pizzas

Good luck!