Her left me alone for 3 weeks. Here's some evidence that I, believe it or not, actually have (some) emotions! (gasp)
Her being far more emotional than I started to cry and miss me before we even got to the airport. Very touching. Of course the entire time I didn't get it. What's to miss? She hadn't left yet, I'm still sitting next to her and she's going off to do something she's been dreaming of for years. Why spend the time missing me instead of being excited for your trip?
My guess she probably got a little choked up when we parted ways as she went through security check. But, as soon as she sat down in the plane, all that was gone and there was nothing but excitement for her trip to the un-wiped ass of Asia. I'm not calling Thailand the ass of Asian let alone an un-wiped one. Her specifically wanted to go to the worst parts of Thailand so she could kind of get some culture shock. That and Thailand is in southern Asian and does have a "crack" in it.
It took me about 7-8 hours after she left for me to start missing Her. After we left the airport and headed back to my parent's house I spent some time surfing the web before we sat down and had some lunch. Gathering up my things, I headed back to my own house and it wasn't until an hour or so went by I realized how quiet it was. Well not entirely quiet as I still talk to myself, but there was no retort at all. I went around doing whatever I felt like doing and there was nothing. No one to bug, no one to bug me asking me to do something or just a random question and for the first time in a really really long time, I felt lonely.
First I felt lonely then I realized I was alone, which kind of made me sad. Then I realized I'd be alone for 3 weeks which was the exact moment I started to miss Her. I sad now. I wonder how long this feeling is going to last...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
"Pissing Contest"
Usually a "pissing contest" is a non-verbalized competition of ability in any particular field usually by men and half the time over something utterly stupid. One such competition is "who can spit the most/farthest."
Well recently I have encountered my own pissing contest and because it's non-verbal my participation in it is already assumed so there's no backing out. Oh sure I can state that I'm not participating in such competition but that would break "man law." Even if you didn't count the breaking of man law #: 00004 - Don't talk unless something needs to be said or risk being mistakenly observed as talking about your "feelings" (whatever the hell THOSE are) and required to turn in your man card; I'd still be backing off from a challenge. While nothing in the man law book specifically addresses the consequences of backing off from a challenge the debate of being labeled as a "bitch" is being negotiated.
Here's the challenge that's being presented to me: I walk into a bathroom and someone's peeing. What WAS a somewhat silent standing pee (redundant I know but I LOVE alliteration), probably a bank shot off the porcelain wall, is now the noisiest, prostate flexing waterfall this sumnabitch can muster. This guy is now going full force into the little pond there and is now splashing his wee all over the place in what I can guess is a show of machismo.
What I don't get is why is this a competition? To me making the loudest noise while you pee shouldn't be something to strive for (urine splash back aside). To me I want the opposite and I'll tell you why. Ever been to a really big waterfall? Shit's real loud right? That's the sound of thousands of gallons going over a ledge and smashing into the water below from a height that (while varies) can be considered pretty fucking high. Ever fill up a cup from a water cooler? Not really loud right? You hold your cup right below the spout and there's not that much noise at all. Why? Cause there's not much distance to go.
So for the the object of the game is to make the least amount of sound possible since there is less of a distance to travel from "spout" to "tiny pond." But you know what? I don't mind. He makes all the noise he wants, I make as little noise as I want, we both walk away feeling like winners.
Except I don't have pee splash back on my trousers.
Well recently I have encountered my own pissing contest and because it's non-verbal my participation in it is already assumed so there's no backing out. Oh sure I can state that I'm not participating in such competition but that would break "man law." Even if you didn't count the breaking of man law #: 00004 - Don't talk unless something needs to be said or risk being mistakenly observed as talking about your "feelings" (whatever the hell THOSE are) and required to turn in your man card; I'd still be backing off from a challenge. While nothing in the man law book specifically addresses the consequences of backing off from a challenge the debate of being labeled as a "bitch" is being negotiated.
Here's the challenge that's being presented to me: I walk into a bathroom and someone's peeing. What WAS a somewhat silent standing pee (redundant I know but I LOVE alliteration), probably a bank shot off the porcelain wall, is now the noisiest, prostate flexing waterfall this sumnabitch can muster. This guy is now going full force into the little pond there and is now splashing his wee all over the place in what I can guess is a show of machismo.
What I don't get is why is this a competition? To me making the loudest noise while you pee shouldn't be something to strive for (urine splash back aside). To me I want the opposite and I'll tell you why. Ever been to a really big waterfall? Shit's real loud right? That's the sound of thousands of gallons going over a ledge and smashing into the water below from a height that (while varies) can be considered pretty fucking high. Ever fill up a cup from a water cooler? Not really loud right? You hold your cup right below the spout and there's not that much noise at all. Why? Cause there's not much distance to go.
So for the the object of the game is to make the least amount of sound possible since there is less of a distance to travel from "spout" to "tiny pond." But you know what? I don't mind. He makes all the noise he wants, I make as little noise as I want, we both walk away feeling like winners.
Except I don't have pee splash back on my trousers.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Detox... HAH!
A co-worker of mine did a 9 day detox program. Upon hearing of her successful completion of it a lot of my other co-workers were interested in it as well. I got put on the e-mail list perhaps as a subtle hint that I'm a fat bastard. Below is what she sent and after that, how I saw it.
>>>>>Original>>>>>
Ok so for the next 9 days, you will mostly fruits and vegetables and clean your body and mind of impurities naturally without fasting or putting toxins in your systems. Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day. Since you don't really eat bad as it is, you'll probably just be losing water weight. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep of journal and write how you feel each day or just twitter. (Sounds gay but it works!)
Number of meals per day:
* 4-5; eat in moderation don't stuff yourself.
Food Preparation:
* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED. For maximum results, I would just do raw or steamed since grilling takes away a lot of good nutrients in veggies.
* You're allowed 3tbsp of low-fat dressing on your salads. Once again for the best results just use a balsamic vinegarette or drizzle some EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) on your salads. No creamy dressings or dressings with cheese and mayo in them, aka blue cheese, ranch, thousand island whatever else there is.
* If you're grilling your veggies, use a minimal amount of EVOO, 1 or 2 tbsp.
Sample Schedule:
Workout a schedule that fits your lifestyle, but keep in mind the spacing of the meals and the need to have at least 4 meals per day. For late-night snacks, have sliced fruits or raw/steamed veggies like celery, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, or asparagus.
8am..........Meal #1
11am........Meal #2
2pm..........Meal #3
5pm..........Meal #4
7pm..........Meal #5
9pm..........Light Snack
Ok I attached the food lists.
Enjoy!
>>>>>Me>>>>>
This is how I read it. Teehee.
Ok so for the next 9 days, you will remove that pesky habit of immortality from your self (preservatives keep your body fresh). Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day, unless you’re Franklin and don’t own a scale nor am able to come up with a good reason to ever have on. It’s all for the best, the scale probably won’t be able to count that high for you anyways. Since you probably will never do this we’ll just list there the most ridiculous stuff we can think of and if you do decide to do it (probably due to someone challenging your manliness) we’ll have a great laugh at your expense. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep a twitter since you’ll be doing that anyways (internet wh**e), that way we’ll be able to enjoy your suffering from the comforts of our computer chairs..
Number of meals per day:
* 4-5 (yay!); eat in minuscule proportions so small that it’ll just get stuck in your teeth and you’ll never have actually ate a thing (awww).
Food Preparation:
* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED don’t even dream for a second that you’re allowed to induce any flavor into your foods. Flavors == calories. For maximum results, cut up a vitamin into fifths and eat that throughout the day. Remember to get it stuck into your teeth.
* You're allowed to have someone who has actually eaten something to spit on your salad. Hopefully they ate something delicious like bacon. Don’t worry, the calories have been absorbed by them already.
* If you're grilling your veggies, feel free to dream of a steak. Dreaming is 0 calories. If you can try and get yourself into “good food withdrawal.” The shakes and egregious amounts of sweat burns calories.
Sample Schedule:
Remember to do this as often as you can in public places. There are people out there you can cheer up using your misery. For late-night misery when no one is around be sure to tape yourself or at the very least blog about it so we can have a good chuckle with our morning cup of coffee.
8am..........wonder how long this day will be
11am........first delusional mirage of the day
2pm..........well fed co-worker cursing workout
5pm..........Vodka and diet coke binge drinking
7pm..........pass out
9pm..........dream of supreme pizzas
Good luck!
>>>>>Original>>>>>
Ok so for the next 9 days, you will mostly fruits and vegetables and clean your body and mind of impurities naturally without fasting or putting toxins in your systems. Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day. Since you don't really eat bad as it is, you'll probably just be losing water weight. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep of journal and write how you feel each day or just twitter. (Sounds gay but it works!)
Number of meals per day:
* 4-5; eat in moderation don't stuff yourself.
Food Preparation:
* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED. For maximum results, I would just do raw or steamed since grilling takes away a lot of good nutrients in veggies.
* You're allowed 3tbsp of low-fat dressing on your salads. Once again for the best results just use a balsamic vinegarette or drizzle some EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) on your salads. No creamy dressings or dressings with cheese and mayo in them, aka blue cheese, ranch, thousand island whatever else there is.
* If you're grilling your veggies, use a minimal amount of EVOO, 1 or 2 tbsp.
Sample Schedule:
Workout a schedule that fits your lifestyle, but keep in mind the spacing of the meals and the need to have at least 4 meals per day. For late-night snacks, have sliced fruits or raw/steamed veggies like celery, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, or asparagus.
8am..........Meal #1
11am........Meal #2
2pm..........Meal #3
5pm..........Meal #4
7pm..........Meal #5
9pm..........Light Snack
Ok I attached the food lists.
Enjoy!
>>>>>Me>>>>>
This is how I read it. Teehee.
Ok so for the next 9 days, you will remove that pesky habit of immortality from your self (preservatives keep your body fresh). Weigh yourself the day you start and on the 9th day, unless you’re Franklin and don’t own a scale nor am able to come up with a good reason to ever have on. It’s all for the best, the scale probably won’t be able to count that high for you anyways. Since you probably will never do this we’ll just list there the most ridiculous stuff we can think of and if you do decide to do it (probably due to someone challenging your manliness) we’ll have a great laugh at your expense. And if you don't care about weight, then just keep a twitter since you’ll be doing that anyways (internet wh**e), that way we’ll be able to enjoy your suffering from the comforts of our computer chairs..
Number of meals per day:
* 4-5 (yay!); eat in minuscule proportions so small that it’ll just get stuck in your teeth and you’ll never have actually ate a thing (awww).
Food Preparation:
* Food is ONLY to be eaten RAW, GRILLED, or STEAMED don’t even dream for a second that you’re allowed to induce any flavor into your foods. Flavors == calories. For maximum results, cut up a vitamin into fifths and eat that throughout the day. Remember to get it stuck into your teeth.
* You're allowed to have someone who has actually eaten something to spit on your salad. Hopefully they ate something delicious like bacon. Don’t worry, the calories have been absorbed by them already.
* If you're grilling your veggies, feel free to dream of a steak. Dreaming is 0 calories. If you can try and get yourself into “good food withdrawal.” The shakes and egregious amounts of sweat burns calories.
Sample Schedule:
Remember to do this as often as you can in public places. There are people out there you can cheer up using your misery. For late-night misery when no one is around be sure to tape yourself or at the very least blog about it so we can have a good chuckle with our morning cup of coffee.
8am..........wonder how long this day will be
11am........first delusional mirage of the day
2pm..........well fed co-worker cursing workout
5pm..........Vodka and diet coke binge drinking
7pm..........pass out
9pm..........dream of supreme pizzas
Good luck!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Thank Seat Belt!
Not mine but still a great poem (not that all MY poems are great) from a guy who calls himself "Fingers."
Oh Seatbelt who art in auto
Tight be thy name
Thy Chrysler come
Thy latch be done
in Saab as it is in Nissan
Give us this day
Our daily hold
Forgive us our speeding
As we forgive those who tailgate behind us
And lead us not into tree
But deliver us from Domino's
For thine is the holddom, and the
Powersteering, and the glory,
forever and ever,
buckle in.
Oh Seatbelt who art in auto
Tight be thy name
Thy Chrysler come
Thy latch be done
in Saab as it is in Nissan
Give us this day
Our daily hold
Forgive us our speeding
As we forgive those who tailgate behind us
And lead us not into tree
But deliver us from Domino's
For thine is the holddom, and the
Powersteering, and the glory,
forever and ever,
buckle in.
Monday, May 4, 2009
A Conversation I Had With My Cousin
Cuz: I have a proposition for you
HIM: oh?
Cuz: your woman's basket discount ends aug
Cuz: which is soon
Cuz: unless she can sell $1000 in baskets in 3 months
Cuz: BUT today there is a special
Cuz: you can sign up for free
Cuz: and get a $74 basket for FREE
Cuz: just pay the $10 shipping
Cuz: want to sign up?
HIM: so I have to sign up for this thing?
Cuz: you seriously don't have to do anything else
Cuz: yeah
HIM: I don't want MORE baskets
Cuz: it's a $74 basket for $10!
HIM: but... I don't want baskets
Cuz: the asian in you can't say no to that
HIM: but the man in me can
Cuz: haha
Cuz: just do it
HIM: do you want the basket?
HIM: I'll do it if you want to pay the $10 to get that basket
HIM: I have no problems with that
HIM: but I have no idea what to do with another basket
Cuz: margo wants it :)
Cuz: http://ic.longaberger.com/esuite/home/vanessabrown
Cuz: fill out
Cuz: please :)
HIM: I want to tell you a story
HIM: one day a young man was moving in with a young girl
HIM: the young man didn't want to but the young woman insisted he help her pack her stuff
HIM: since the young woman tended to have a tendency to gather a lot of crap
HIM: so the young man opens up the bathroom closet thinking "well this should be a good place to start"
HIM: inside was a treasure trove of girly things that he didn't understand
HIM: the young man had chosen poorly
HIM: still, not to be deterred the young man set forth to gather the young woman's things
HIM: to which he discovered that the young woman had amassed an impressive collection of hair conditioners
HIM: 2 big, deep, WIDE shelves worth of it in fact
HIM: whenever one was removed (past the 12th bottle) the young man glanced at the young woman with bewilderment and shock
HIM: the look was always, ALWAYS returned with the comment "but it was on sale."
HIM: the end
Cuz: now you'll have a basket for all those conditioners
HIM: you know what? That story was too awesome to be contained only in this chat box. This is going onto the blog...
***And you know what? I thought she was done, but my cousin is both wonderful and persistent so it continues...
Cuz: so seriously
Cuz: go sign up
HIM: but I don't want a basket
Cuz: but your woman does
Cuz: yes I'm forcing you
HIM: do you want the basket?
HIM: I'll do it if you want the basket
HIM: but I don't wanna buy something I don't want
Cuz: but your woman wants the basket
HIM: no she doesn;'t
Cuz: I have 5 of those baskets
Cuz: haha
HIM: she hasn't told me she does
HIM: do you get something for me signing up?
HIM: cause you can just tell me if you do
Cuz: I get $25 in goodies
Cuz: but so do you too
Cuz: it's more a... holy crap it's free to sign up
Cuz: get everyone I know to sign up
Cuz: sent an email to [other friend] too
Cuz: hehe
HIM: but... I don't wanna
HIM: circumcisions may become free one day
HIM: those things cost $500 at the hospital
HIM: doesn't mean I'm going to run out and get one
Cuz: HAHAHAHA
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