Meet the Family Brunch

Ok - so clash of cultures here. Him and I just bought our house December 30th. Him hasn't even moved in yet (he's working on it). I've been sleeping there since the 31st however I still have lots of stuff at my sister's house I need to move out. We are having our family's meet at on the 15th of February at a brunch at our very unfinished house. We still need coffee tables, sofas, dressers (bed room furniture), counter for the kitchen, decorations. You must be thinking what doo you have - haha not much is the answer.

So below is Him and Her's view about the upcoming brunch.

HIM:
We shouldn't even have furniture they will only mess it up at the party.
If we have very little stuff when they come over people will buy us presents.
Lets let them know where we are registered so they can buy us presents.
As long as there is food it will be ok.

HER:
We shouldn't have anyone over to the house until it is finished and looks nice.
We should make sure the family is comfortable and that there are seats for everyone.
We'll call it a Meet the Family Brunch so no one feels pressured to buy presents.
The house has to be perfect so that I can show it off.

What if radios didn't exist...

I was talking with a friend of mine and we were thinking. What if radios didn't exist at all and then they came out with the technology right now. We thought it may go something like this...

Inventor: Hey beetches guess what I made?!
Guy: What?
I: I made what I call a radio che-che-che-check it out!
G: Oh yea? What's it do?
I: It gives you free music straight to your face!
G: What do you mean it gives me free music?
I: I'm saying you turn it on and music will be there hittin' your ear holes with non-stop tune-age brudda.
G: Do I have to download it?
I: Hell naw foo', you don't have to download shit. I'll just be there non stop.
G: Well that sounds pretty good. Especially for free.
I: Dat's right bitch! Not only that it's wireless, peep the future...
G: Wireless?
I: You bet your ass it's wireless. You get dat shit free. It ain't even illegal or nothing either. You jam to yo shit right in front of da po-po and he cain't do nuffin' bout nuffin'.
G: Legal too?
I: Oh yea bitch. You'll get free tunes even if you don't have the internet. Tell you what, I'm such a nice mutha-father I've even given you different channels so you can pick what type of music you want to listen to.
G: HOLY FUCKIN' JESUS SHIT CAKES!
I: Please sir, language.
G: Sorry. So how much does this cost?
I: Not a ga-damn thing. You got a car?
G: Yea...
I: Well you can jes chill in that whip and listen as long as your batteries' runnin'.
G: No way!
I: Bitch did I stutter?
G: But what about when I'm not in the car?
I: You got a music player of any type?
G: Yea of course, I listen to my mp3's on them.
I: Dawg! You can listen to the radio on that shit too!
G: WOW! Radio on my ipod?
I: Whoa there... you have an ipod?
G: Yea why?
I: You can't get no radio on an ipod man...
G: I can't?
I: Naw, you better upgrade yo shit...

Quotes Taken from Actual US Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

From this site.

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

12. “A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a sign post.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d receive change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60 Minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Go government.

Be Nice...

I was nice once. Well a couple times actually. Every time I was I was immediately gratified in my doing so. Then something else would come along and equalize that gratification back down to regular blah or dig some and just make things just a tad shittier. I keep being nice because eventually I do something else that makes it all better but then that immediate gratification would be swept away by some other bullshit. At this point I'm scared to not be nice because what if the shit's going to come anyways and I'll have nothing to balance it out with?

Here's my latest story.

I lose my phone. Stupid me. Don't leave you phone in a loose jacket pocket and keep a back up of your phone numbers saved somewhere. Anyways I lose my phone and I figured hey this would be a great time to add Her to my plan, get a better plan and grab a new shiny. Mmm new shiny. So I call up my sprint help line and ask for a new better plan and two new phones. I was nice and polite on the phone I got the plan I wanted, I got two awesome phones at an awesome price and everything was going to be mailed to me and all was honkey-doorey.

Then the plan got fucked up.

The phone I got apparently unbeknown to me wasn't compatible with my plan. Why would a sprint phone not be compatible with all sprint plans? I have no fucking idea but it doesn't make too much sense to me. So I go to the store. The guy there is awesome and helps me get an EVEN BETTER phone for nearly the same price. The phones if you're curious are the sprint instinct to the HTC Touch PRO. The instinct required a simply everything plan and apparently the HTC Touch PRO doesn't. God, I'd procreate with that phone. It's a bit thick but I tend to like them darker, thicker and more useful.

Hi baby!

Everything works out fine in the store and I only had to almost yell at some guy on the phone. I was all prepped and ready to unleash a shit storm too. When I didn't have to I just stood there with all this pent up rage waiting to be unleashed but no where to direct it at. It was like trying to stop peeing midstream only with anger. If you every had a really angry piss and you tried to stop it in the middle I guess you'd know what I'm talking about.

So the girl gets her phone and I'm insanely envious. I try to steal the phone from her whenever she isn't humping it herself just to stare at the warm glow of the screen. I, have to wait for the phone to get in stock. While waiting I discover that the original person I talked to not only screwed up on my phone with the plan but he screwed up Her's as well. So another call to Sprint to fix this mess. This time a little less nice but still not beligerent and still paitient. The person I talked to helped me out, fixed everything (hopefully) and now I'm on a pretty decent high waiting for a trap door to fall out from under me and sending me into the person my pent up angry piss is going to be showered upon.

You know, I'm really sorry for talking about phones and urine in the same entry. That's not what I came here to say. The REASON why I wanted to write this entry was to encourage people to be nice because everytime I've been nice it's paid off. This is just one of many stories I have where being nice has paid off. I only did the happy -> phone -> pee thing to be funny. If you want a story with less of a stretch I'll tell an angry story next time...