Best Men

Not mine but still funny.

(From http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/10/08/the-true-annoyance-of-being-the-best-man/ by Mike James "The Bestest Man In The Motherfucking Land")

The True Annoyance of Being the “Best Man”

I have been tasked with the unfortunate job of chauffeuring one of my best friends into the unknown oblivion that is commonly referred to as “The Institution of Marriage“.

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

As his best friend, who’s known him 5 times longer than his bride to be, I find it hard to deny my urges to save him from himself. Yet, after numerous attempts, warnings and threats, he’s stated to me that he’s determined to go down this moronic path, with or without my help.

I’ve sacrificed my time, my dignity and my very soul in order to be there for him. But most importantly, I’ve sacrificed the only thing on this Earth I hold truly dear……… And that’s my sweet cash.

Monetary $acrifices I’ve been forced to make because this louse found Love:

1. Engagement Party- Unbeknownst to me, with an engagement party comes an engagement present. An engagement present? Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta dish these two out a gift just for planning to get married? Where is the line? When’s the last time you gave your buddy a present just because he or she met someone? NEVER that’s when. But tradition says “when you get married you get a present every time you take a shit”. If that’s the case then I’m gonna have an engagement party every year. It’ll be like a second Christmas, I’ll have one every June 25th! Once my friends forked over the goods, I’d let a few months go by and call off the matrimony. Meanwhile I’d be sitting on a mountain of candy, booze and toys!

2. Bachelor Party - Kick ass! Strippers, hotel, hooch, gambling (in our case) and lots of laughs. As much fun as it was it still cost me close to 500 bucks, and that was just my share (which was a lion’s since I’m the Best Man In the Land). This motherfucker hasn’t even gotten a marriage license yet and it’s already cost me $650 smackeroos.

3. Tuxedo Fitting/Tuxedo Rental - $185 bucks people. That’s roughly two hundred dollars to simply put on a suit that God knows how many other people have gone commando in. Let’s break it down, from the minute I put that tuxedo on, roughly 11:00 AM, til the minute I take that tuxedo off (hopefully to bang away on a hottie bridesmaid) around 1:00 or 2:00 AM, it’s two bills. That’s maybe 13 hours, at 200 dollars that’s about 15 bones an hour! Would you pay 15 dollars an hour to wear a Halloween costume? I don’t fucking think so.

4. Rehearsal Dinner - Surprisingly this is basically the only occasion associated with the fucking wedding that’s not going to cost me shit but gas money. BUT with the gas prices soaring through the roof there’s a good chance I’m going to have to throw down 40 dollars just to fill up my old man’s gas guzzler.

5. Wedding Day - Wedding present. Need I say more? I’m a man, and a true friend. And a true friend doesn’t buy shit off the registry, he goes full throttle and he gives his boy the only thing he knows his boy needs. And that’s cold hard cash. Enough cash for Julia Roberts, circa Pretty Woman, to come back to your hotel room and suck your balls up and down for an entire evening. Anything less would be an insult to the rank of Detective Lieutenant Best Friend in the Universe.

And finally….

6. The Speech - As the Best Man I’ve got to stand before the entire crowd and deliver a concise speech that details the chronicling of our entire friendship. I’ve got three minutes to verbally traverse 15 years of time WITHOUT cursing OR bringing up any disgusting sexual acts. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I curse as often as a bird chirps. It’s in my DNA, me and swearing are like old people and apple sauce, we GET ALONG.

**Tonight I leave my beloved New York City to head back home and get this fiasco under way. I’ve made it halfway through the list and by this time tomorrow I’ll be on my way to completing #4. By this time next week all this stinking mess will be over. My buddy will be on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean and I’ll be back at my shitty job paying off this bastard’s happiness for the next 6 months.

With my luck he’ll be dead by the time I get married and he’ll never know the pain I went through.

Days of Obligation

Walking around my work I wander into an co-worker's office and we start chatting about nothing. It was at this time that I noticed on her calender an event printed (not written by her) on Christmas day called "Day of Obligation." Wondering what it was and what sort of event goes on Christmas that I have never heard about in my 25+ years of life and my studies of religion I inquired upon it. The owner of the calendar didn't know what it was but assumed that it was a "catholic thing" because it was a catholic calendar.

Not satisfied with just that I inquired another co-worker of mine, who's not a catholic but a strong christian nonetheless (which is close enough for me) and asked her. While she didn't know either she was curious enough to look it up for the both of us. So what we initially found was that the days of obligation were feasts or sorts. Apparently you eat on day's of obligation, something chinese people can totally dig since nothing is celebrated to us unless it's celebrated with food. It still didn't tell us why or what it is. Some more digging and we find this website.

What this website tells us (or at least what we got out of it) are that the days of obligation are the minimum requirements for being catholic. How great is that?! Here it is in their own words:

"We call them obligations because the Precepts of the Catholic Church tell us that celebrating those feast days is a part of the minimum level of commitment to the Catholic faith."

How awesome is that?! They even draw a line for you to tell you what the minimum balance is to have an account in the bank of their faith. FAITH. I guess it's not really a you have it or you don't kind of thing. Hey baby, is there a minimum balance for Judaism? Could you tell me what the absolute minimum I can do to still call myself a Jew? Oh and if you can make all of those days a day where I just have to eat, that'd be great. Thanks.

Sick, Tired, Shopper, Gun-Owner, Home Owner? Even I Don't Know Who I am Anymore...

Lot of changes going on. Some of them interesting, some of them annoying, all of them keeping me busy. Too busy to post which is why you will hopefully forgive us in our lack of updates. So let's just go down the list and address everything in the title shall we?

Sick - I am just now getting over a bit of sickness. It may have been food poisoning but I'm not sure. There was a bit of puking and a lot of pooping as my body just didn't seem to want anything to do with have stuff inside of it. While this may sound pretty bad to some of you because you've been through it I was actually kind of interested in where this journey was taking me. The most unpleasant part of this whole ordeal was putting my face where I was just shitting so I could puke. Still it was a bit interesting as I went through this journey of misery and I think I've learned a fair amount of what it's like to be sick and feel that I've formed a stronger connection with Her and the rest of the human race because of it.

Tired - There's a fair bit of drama going on in my life and it is exhausting to me. I must say I am ill equipped to handle this much as my drama muscle has atrophied to the size of a raisin. Still, they are friends and family so if I'm going to have to run a mile on a muscle the size of a raisin then damnit I will. It sucks to lose someone who you've been connected with for so long but the way in which that connection was severed it's sometimes best to just note the poor investment and cut your loses. While this may seem a bit cold I don't really have to be nice anymore so I might as well be objective.

As a good friend you try and be there for those who need you. Sometimes the fact that it's been a one way street may have eluded you. You're a good friend, you probably weren't keeping score. But if and when you do notice don't put up with that shit. It may suck but when you stop wasting your time polishing shit you may be able to find yourself able to actually find some decent people. And while I am emotionally stunted and am probably coming off a bit cold I don't feel as if I'm wrong about this. I will miss one thing though, I will no longer be able to say that I met Her by "dating her best friend - but we're still cool." Cause we're not now. Maybe I'll say something like "we were both dumped by the same girl for the same guy."

Shopper - I have never, ever, even including computers, did this much research on what to buy. We're getting a new house (fingers crossed) and with a new house comes new toys. And well each toy requires a bit of research, which one to get, how big, how many, what should it look like, what prices are there... It's quite a lot. How do people who like to shop do this? Do they just not do any research? Do they just know because they shop so much? How do they do it?!

Gun Owner - I got a gun! Buahahaha. I got a gun for a couple reasons. 1) my cousin spawned a daughter, 2) I always said I wanted to get a shot gun to polish for when she grows up and brings her "friend" over 3-5) some friends of mine spawned daughters too, 6) it's a good way to get some bonding time with my best pal in PA where apparently shooting is like peeing. Sometimes you'll just drink too much and you just want to shoot something, pull off to the side of the road, whip out your gun and bam! Now doesn't that feel much better?

Home Owner - There's a lot of stuff but none of it really matters to people who aren't actually buying the house. I must say this process has been way easier than what I expected. I've heard some pretty bad stories and really, haven't really seen that happening so far. At this point it's almost past the nightmare point and the only thing that I see that may go bad is that the sellers pull out, and writter's cramp from having to sign my name so many times on the closing documents. Wish us luck.

Changes

*Post Removed*

Buh-bye!