Best Men

Not mine but still funny.

(From http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/10/08/the-true-annoyance-of-being-the-best-man/ by Mike James "The Bestest Man In The Motherfucking Land")

The True Annoyance of Being the “Best Man”

I have been tasked with the unfortunate job of chauffeuring one of my best friends into the unknown oblivion that is commonly referred to as “The Institution of Marriage“.

The Best Man? More Like The Better Man!

As his best friend, who’s known him 5 times longer than his bride to be, I find it hard to deny my urges to save him from himself. Yet, after numerous attempts, warnings and threats, he’s stated to me that he’s determined to go down this moronic path, with or without my help.

I’ve sacrificed my time, my dignity and my very soul in order to be there for him. But most importantly, I’ve sacrificed the only thing on this Earth I hold truly dear……… And that’s my sweet cash.

Monetary $acrifices I’ve been forced to make because this louse found Love:

1. Engagement Party- Unbeknownst to me, with an engagement party comes an engagement present. An engagement present? Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta dish these two out a gift just for planning to get married? Where is the line? When’s the last time you gave your buddy a present just because he or she met someone? NEVER that’s when. But tradition says “when you get married you get a present every time you take a shit”. If that’s the case then I’m gonna have an engagement party every year. It’ll be like a second Christmas, I’ll have one every June 25th! Once my friends forked over the goods, I’d let a few months go by and call off the matrimony. Meanwhile I’d be sitting on a mountain of candy, booze and toys!

2. Bachelor Party - Kick ass! Strippers, hotel, hooch, gambling (in our case) and lots of laughs. As much fun as it was it still cost me close to 500 bucks, and that was just my share (which was a lion’s since I’m the Best Man In the Land). This motherfucker hasn’t even gotten a marriage license yet and it’s already cost me $650 smackeroos.

3. Tuxedo Fitting/Tuxedo Rental - $185 bucks people. That’s roughly two hundred dollars to simply put on a suit that God knows how many other people have gone commando in. Let’s break it down, from the minute I put that tuxedo on, roughly 11:00 AM, til the minute I take that tuxedo off (hopefully to bang away on a hottie bridesmaid) around 1:00 or 2:00 AM, it’s two bills. That’s maybe 13 hours, at 200 dollars that’s about 15 bones an hour! Would you pay 15 dollars an hour to wear a Halloween costume? I don’t fucking think so.

4. Rehearsal Dinner - Surprisingly this is basically the only occasion associated with the fucking wedding that’s not going to cost me shit but gas money. BUT with the gas prices soaring through the roof there’s a good chance I’m going to have to throw down 40 dollars just to fill up my old man’s gas guzzler.

5. Wedding Day - Wedding present. Need I say more? I’m a man, and a true friend. And a true friend doesn’t buy shit off the registry, he goes full throttle and he gives his boy the only thing he knows his boy needs. And that’s cold hard cash. Enough cash for Julia Roberts, circa Pretty Woman, to come back to your hotel room and suck your balls up and down for an entire evening. Anything less would be an insult to the rank of Detective Lieutenant Best Friend in the Universe.

And finally….

6. The Speech - As the Best Man I’ve got to stand before the entire crowd and deliver a concise speech that details the chronicling of our entire friendship. I’ve got three minutes to verbally traverse 15 years of time WITHOUT cursing OR bringing up any disgusting sexual acts. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I curse as often as a bird chirps. It’s in my DNA, me and swearing are like old people and apple sauce, we GET ALONG.

**Tonight I leave my beloved New York City to head back home and get this fiasco under way. I’ve made it halfway through the list and by this time tomorrow I’ll be on my way to completing #4. By this time next week all this stinking mess will be over. My buddy will be on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean and I’ll be back at my shitty job paying off this bastard’s happiness for the next 6 months.

With my luck he’ll be dead by the time I get married and he’ll never know the pain I went through.

Days of Obligation

Walking around my work I wander into an co-worker's office and we start chatting about nothing. It was at this time that I noticed on her calender an event printed (not written by her) on Christmas day called "Day of Obligation." Wondering what it was and what sort of event goes on Christmas that I have never heard about in my 25+ years of life and my studies of religion I inquired upon it. The owner of the calendar didn't know what it was but assumed that it was a "catholic thing" because it was a catholic calendar.

Not satisfied with just that I inquired another co-worker of mine, who's not a catholic but a strong christian nonetheless (which is close enough for me) and asked her. While she didn't know either she was curious enough to look it up for the both of us. So what we initially found was that the days of obligation were feasts or sorts. Apparently you eat on day's of obligation, something chinese people can totally dig since nothing is celebrated to us unless it's celebrated with food. It still didn't tell us why or what it is. Some more digging and we find this website.

What this website tells us (or at least what we got out of it) are that the days of obligation are the minimum requirements for being catholic. How great is that?! Here it is in their own words:

"We call them obligations because the Precepts of the Catholic Church tell us that celebrating those feast days is a part of the minimum level of commitment to the Catholic faith."

How awesome is that?! They even draw a line for you to tell you what the minimum balance is to have an account in the bank of their faith. FAITH. I guess it's not really a you have it or you don't kind of thing. Hey baby, is there a minimum balance for Judaism? Could you tell me what the absolute minimum I can do to still call myself a Jew? Oh and if you can make all of those days a day where I just have to eat, that'd be great. Thanks.

Sick, Tired, Shopper, Gun-Owner, Home Owner? Even I Don't Know Who I am Anymore...

Lot of changes going on. Some of them interesting, some of them annoying, all of them keeping me busy. Too busy to post which is why you will hopefully forgive us in our lack of updates. So let's just go down the list and address everything in the title shall we?

Sick - I am just now getting over a bit of sickness. It may have been food poisoning but I'm not sure. There was a bit of puking and a lot of pooping as my body just didn't seem to want anything to do with have stuff inside of it. While this may sound pretty bad to some of you because you've been through it I was actually kind of interested in where this journey was taking me. The most unpleasant part of this whole ordeal was putting my face where I was just shitting so I could puke. Still it was a bit interesting as I went through this journey of misery and I think I've learned a fair amount of what it's like to be sick and feel that I've formed a stronger connection with Her and the rest of the human race because of it.

Tired - There's a fair bit of drama going on in my life and it is exhausting to me. I must say I am ill equipped to handle this much as my drama muscle has atrophied to the size of a raisin. Still, they are friends and family so if I'm going to have to run a mile on a muscle the size of a raisin then damnit I will. It sucks to lose someone who you've been connected with for so long but the way in which that connection was severed it's sometimes best to just note the poor investment and cut your loses. While this may seem a bit cold I don't really have to be nice anymore so I might as well be objective.

As a good friend you try and be there for those who need you. Sometimes the fact that it's been a one way street may have eluded you. You're a good friend, you probably weren't keeping score. But if and when you do notice don't put up with that shit. It may suck but when you stop wasting your time polishing shit you may be able to find yourself able to actually find some decent people. And while I am emotionally stunted and am probably coming off a bit cold I don't feel as if I'm wrong about this. I will miss one thing though, I will no longer be able to say that I met Her by "dating her best friend - but we're still cool." Cause we're not now. Maybe I'll say something like "we were both dumped by the same girl for the same guy."

Shopper - I have never, ever, even including computers, did this much research on what to buy. We're getting a new house (fingers crossed) and with a new house comes new toys. And well each toy requires a bit of research, which one to get, how big, how many, what should it look like, what prices are there... It's quite a lot. How do people who like to shop do this? Do they just not do any research? Do they just know because they shop so much? How do they do it?!

Gun Owner - I got a gun! Buahahaha. I got a gun for a couple reasons. 1) my cousin spawned a daughter, 2) I always said I wanted to get a shot gun to polish for when she grows up and brings her "friend" over 3-5) some friends of mine spawned daughters too, 6) it's a good way to get some bonding time with my best pal in PA where apparently shooting is like peeing. Sometimes you'll just drink too much and you just want to shoot something, pull off to the side of the road, whip out your gun and bam! Now doesn't that feel much better?

Home Owner - There's a lot of stuff but none of it really matters to people who aren't actually buying the house. I must say this process has been way easier than what I expected. I've heard some pretty bad stories and really, haven't really seen that happening so far. At this point it's almost past the nightmare point and the only thing that I see that may go bad is that the sellers pull out, and writter's cramp from having to sign my name so many times on the closing documents. Wish us luck.

Changes

*Post Removed*

Buh-bye!

Funny Commercials.

Happy Tuesday.

Here are some funny commercials.

"The Aforementioned 'Other Thing'"

If you've known me for a while, are pretty cool, and a girl eventually you might get a random call from me where I ask you stupid questions. Usually these stupid questions are completely random OR is resulting from my failure to understand the fairer sex.

The latest one was about... Oh hell I'll just post the question here:
I can understand that females would not appreciate males talking about "feminine issues" very frankly. But my question is do girls talk to other girls about "feminine issues" with the same swagger that a guy may report to another guy about how he just farted. For example would a girl say to another girl "Hey I'm flowin' something fierce can I bum a cotton stick off of you?"

I actually wasn't even going to post about this at all. I mean the thing started out as a freedom of speech discussion I was having with a friend. It wasn't until I got around asking people and then having those people request that I make a blog about it did I actually sit down to write this. So I will basically break down the answers I remember to the question here.

Every girl I ask did not have a problem with it. Most of the time it was just asked if another girl happen to have a spare tampon. There was an emphasis on discretion and tact but that doesn't mean it wasn't forward either. Some, secret code that women have with each other I guess. But that's not the real interesting part (in my opinion). The real interesting part is from those that strayed a little bit off the beaten track.

Some girls called it different names (not cotton stick). The funny ones I remember are:

Blood Cushion
C*m Catcher
and Niagara plug

At least one girl reported that she would go into much detail about "the situation." I believe the words "crime scene" came up a few times.

Anyways you asked for it. I wasn't going to put it up. Hope you're happy.

Halloween, Movies, and Losing Some Humanity.

Halloween has now come and gone. Christmas is starting to rear its ugly head already and all I want to do is play WoW and take a nap. Still life goes on and my seemingly insatiable need to talk about myself does to so let's get to it.

Halloween this year wasn't something I really wanted to take part of. If it were up to me I would have just as much liked to dress up in something scary and give out candy to kids all the while scaring them too. I've become less of a party man in my old age. Her however is still in her goddamn springtime of youth wants to go out, drink, and party. Which means I have to go out, not drink but party. So instead of just some scary make-up I have to think of a more party friendly costume that won't be washed away by my sweat.

So I got my costume. It was going to be as Bane but because I am me and forgot about my hornless buffalo sized head the mask I had bought online didn't fit. Not to be deterred however I just made up a costume on the spot and went as the perfect boyfriend a Jewish girl could have; a jewish doctor. Armed with my kippa (yes it's mine), a set of scrubs, and my best "oy vei" I head off to a party where I know no one except for the people I showed up with.

Fun times were had by all. I ended up being punched by an idiot (he thought the bellagio buffet in Vegas was shit! SHIT! He wouldn't know good food if it had come into his home had sex with his mother and made a far more impressive and charming little brother) but didn't get into a fight. This is the girl's work. A fight over something totally stupid where I didn't throw the first punch was something I would have love to have (damn near begged for) 3 years ago. But now, because this guy in a mask is a moron and I have other people to consider I don't return with a punch. Sigh, I feel like a bitch, an adult, but also a bitch.

We also managed to catch a movie. After the Ravens game (which we won, take that browns!) we went and saw "Saw V." It wasn't bad and really continue to extend the series. If you're a fan of Saw II, III, and IV you probably could do worse in a Sunday evening. If you want a better review you can check out my other blog for that (when I finish my review). I have a friend who's all about this sort of hyper violent fun and because of that we have seen every Saw movie together. Her however has seen only bits and pieces of the other movies and tagged along. I had a fun time watching her reactions to the whole movie and seeing bits of her humanity slip away with every horrible death scene. She came out of it alright but she was a tiny bit curious to see the other films where before she would never watch such a flick.

There's one more thing I have to address but this is enough for now. More later if I get the time.

Baby, I want one.

Look at the gorgeous top to bottom pleat!

Women Are Not Like...

... Baseball. Otherwise everyone would cheer if you steal second base while no one was looking.

... Soccer. Running around kicking her all day and scoring once does not mean you've won.

... Bowling. You can't be fat, drunk and balding, finger a girl with with 2 dry fingers and a thumb, throw her away in the gutter and expect her to come back.

... Football. Because you rarely get 4 chances and when you fail you don't get to punt her far away and hope she stays over there while you let some other guys handle it.

... Basketball. Jumping up and sticking your crotch in her face while shoving your only ball into the hole does not mean you've scored.

... Golf. Wearing stupid ugly clothes and finishing with as few strokes as possible does not mean you've won.

Women are not like sports so stop using sport analogies for them. It's stupid and getting annoying.

To My Love, a Potato...

I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks...
and that's if you leave them in water.
They really only exist to be pretty.
So that's like saying:
"my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"
But a potato!
Potatos last for fucking ever man.
In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them there.
That part alone makes it a good symbol.
But there's more!
There are so many ways to enjoy a potato.
You can even make a battery with it!
... and that's like saying:
"I have many ways in which I show my love for you"
My baby loves french fries.
But Her is my number 1 potato.
......
And she's better looking than a potato.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mommy's birthday and I wanted to say Happy Birthday to her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! mwah.

Yay Roshashana!

Him tried to make it to Roshashana dinner but I didn't get his message until too late. So sweet. Plus even if he doesn't convert he'll still be pratically Jewish because he's marrying me and people will have to accept, believe, and suck it up. Once we're not living an hour away from each other, it will be a lot easier for him to celabrate the holidays with me (aka be more jewish- mwhaha). YAY!

Plus I think him should get use to it because our children and him will have to deal with it for a long time since they will look chinese - and my children will be jewish.

Happy New Year Jews!

It's Rosh Hashanah! I think it will be until tomorrow at sundown. It's the Jewish new year where jews everywhere go and join their families in an evening of eating and story telling and, if you're my age, toss around jewish guilt on why I'm not married yet. While I was invited to Her's family dinner I had a test and couldn't come. Seeing as how I don't look jewish at all and I don't think my professor would believe me, that sort of thing probably wouldn't fly for me. So to me, Rosh Hashanah is just a time where there was a lot less traffic yesterday and today. Yay!

Toys for Little Boys and Toys for Big Boys

First the toy for the little boy:


Why is this awesome? Well first it shows that there still is innocence in the world. That and maybe my kids (that don't exist yet) will some day be able to grow up with big immaginations and some creative skills.

But more importantly, if you look closely at the box you will see that the toy is a Star Wars toy from the prequels. You know, the ones that sucked? So maybe the boy isn't all that creative or imaginative or that innocent. Maybe he just realizes that the prequels suck and a box is better than that dribble. Either way it gives me hope for the future.

Now toys for big boys.



Awesome.

My Baby is the Boss Sauce

Yes, I am dense, very dense actually. Yes I am easy to surprise. But I have never had a surprise as big or as nice as this. Except for the time my gummies were stolen (and eventually returned) I was all too happy to have my girl lead me on a chase for my "surprise" on Sunday where I was totally caught off guard. We took a bus to downtown and went to the Ravens game! Not only that but she also got me this:


Yea buddy! I got me the Raven TE Todd Heap's Jersey. It's the official one so, wow, what a present. We went to the game where the Browns were visiting and left 18 points behind. It was a great game and we both had a ton of fun.

I just want those of you who read this to know that if you're looking for someone in your life to look for something more than just similar likes and dislikes on superficial things. Everyone likes music and movies, what type of music and what type of movie differs and is ultimately useless in determining whether or not your going to be a good match for each other. Instead I implore you to look for people who will let you be yourself but at the same time challenge you and make you want to be a better person. Neither Her nor myself would consider each other to be "our type" but we've found each other anyways. She's been good for me and I'd like to think that I've been challenging for her, but I sure to love that woman and I kind of get the feeling she loves me too.

Ok enough of this, I'm going to go hump my Jersey now.

Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Yarrr! Tis talk like ye pirate day and I just wanted to tell me lass dat there's no ship that I rather be sailin' then Her's. Yer better than buried treasure and no less than 10 months worth of rum.

Arrrrrr.

(7:01:25 AM) her: I had a dream you left me a note in the car addressed to me breaking up with me followed by a pile of Burger King coupons with little saying on them. The note said I hope one day you'll find that one special person for you - and the little saying on the Burger King things were supposed to be all philosophical and I guess the Burger King food was supposed to be comfort food.
(7:01:48 AM) him: hahaha
(7:02:18 AM) him: I think it means you're in love with the burger king and want me to get out of the way of your love
(7:02:28 AM) him: I think I'm the one that should be hurt
(7:02:40 AM)her: no you tried to break up with me how did you turn this around
(7:02:46 AM) her: =-O
(7:02:52 AM) him: ^_^ Morning baby
(7:03:02 AM) him: other than the dream did you sleep well?
(7:03:31 AM) her: :-)

Why this is funny to me...

I was sitting here thinking to myself about this blog and how we don't really talk about our relationship all that much. Actually Her doesn't really talk all that much and I, being the online whore will just talk about what comes to mind. Truth be told I am a man and frankly men don't really think about our relationships on a constant basis. Certainly not enough or to any degree that I would consider interesting enough to blog about. That doesn't mean there isn't humor to be had in this scenario though. So allow me to express to you what it is that I find so damn funny.

There is a fairly big list of contradictions of why me and Her would sort of clash. Some of them is because she's Jewish and I'm an un-kosher pork eating heathen, but others are just because she's who she is and I'm who I am. I'll give you a quick example of a culture clash. Pigs are viewed in many religions as "unclean." Muslim being one of them and Jewish being another one. Chinese people have a saying; "if it has legs and is not a chair, we eat it. If it flies and is not a plane, we eat it. One big delicacy is a suckling pig, which is delicious. Therein lies a problem already, her family can't have pig and shellfish and that's a lot of what Chinese people eat at weddings.

Do you see now the dileama?

Jewish people tend to raise their children using a system of guilt. Kids feel guilty about something they did or didn't do and made to feel this way so that the inappropriate behavior won't continue. Chinese people (including a lot of other Asians) use a system of shame to raise their children. Which says to me that Chinese children must be more evil than Jewish children because it's a lot easier to say something and make the kid feel bad than to go and grab the beating stick to beat the child preferably in a public place to not only shame the child into doing right but also to serve as a warning to all the other children. To us it doesn't matter if you feel bad or not, you've done something bad and you should be punished.

This is of course full of generalalities and I should take the time that not all Jewish people are like what I've said (Maryland Jews eat crabs) and not all Chinese people are like what I've said either (monks are vegans). So to avoid further generalities I'll get to how we are (me and Her) on a personal level.

I am emotionally constipated. I am unfamiliar with the feeling of empathy, I laugh at probably unappropriate things and times, and other than a big hug and a paitient ear I don't really have much to offer for emotional woes. Her lives in a world of spirituality, feelings and emotions. These things have great meaning to her and without she feels off balance; a shell of her former self. The way in which we make this work? She's a hug-slut. My hug-slut. For her there's something in being that close to someone and feeling a connection in a moment of suspended bliss. For me, I get to slightly squish something. That, and she smells nice.

There's more but it's too many to put all in one post. Maybe sometime later.

It's SHOTGUN time!

My beloved cousin (who's like a sister to me) has given birth to her little girl. Congrats to her and her hubby. It's a little girl and is apparently doing fine. Mom's good and sleeping currently and dad's I guess running around talking to all the people who are asking a bunch of questions, letting the new mommy get some rest.

As for me I'm getting my weekends ready so that I can go up there whenever they say I can to go see her and her new baby.

With nothing planned on the weekends now I guess I can spend my time shopping for a new shotgun. I probably have about 12 years to get surgically proficient at it. I hear they date earlier than ever now.

The No Jacket Clause

Leave me alone long enough in a situation that will allow it and I will eventually get nearly nekkid. It's just the way I am, I did it since I was a kid and I never lost it. I guess it can be very similar to someone's attachment to a childhood toy, a blanket, the very sexy habit of thumb sucking or whatever. For me I don't like wearing clothes; pants in particular.

Which is why I'm so happy for the "No Jacket Clause."

While driving from somewhere that's not important, me and Her got to talking and she said that she wanted me to be comfortable throughout the wedding. To which I replied "then, do I have to wear pants?" Apparently I still do but she was opened to me losing another article of clothing. I believe the proposal went something like this. "Alright baby how about this; what if, I get myself really fit. I'm talking pecs, shoulders, and a flat stomach, could I not wear a jacket at all during the entire ceremony? I can be all sessy for you and you can make we wear whatever you want if I don't have to wear a jacket. Hell you can marry me while I wear a tu-tu if you want (because afterall, a tu-tu isn't pants).

So Her kind of thought about it, said how great it would be if I got into shape and said she would ask her mother. Fast forward a week or two. She admits that she likes the idea but isn't sure how her mother would go for it. I, being a person that I am take this as the agreement being set and I am now off on my journey to be married jacket-less. Cause really, fuck jackets. While I don't mind her mother's input because I actually kind of like Her's mother I also don't see a reason that our wedding should be her mother's opportunity to primp me up and parade me around for the enjoyment of her family. I'm alright being paraded around, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want to wear pants when I am. At least this time I don't have to wear a jacket.

The weight-loss, getting back into shape begins YESTERDAY.

Big Ass Update!

This is going to probably be one of those updates that are like guests that over stay their welcome. But it's the end of August and if I don't talk about these stories now then it'll be too late to tell them at all and they will forever be forgotten in my mind that's like a steel siv.

First story: I thank god that I'm a man.

I don't have a lot to complain about my life. I'm one of the few people that actually enjoys going to work, my family doesn't really fight a lot, I have no significant debt, I've got food to eat, a car that works, and a girl that loves me. So I'm not complaining about my life, far from it. There are however times when I feel "disjointed." It's a feeling marked with some disconnection with the world, as if my plug into the matrix had been tripped over and some new intern is desperately trying to fumble my connection back into my head.

I was actually looking forward to letting Her take me to synagogue (I affectionately call it "gog"). I'm not a spiritual person let alone religious and my attitude towards religion is probably similar to some people's attitude to plushies; some times it's weird, some times you really want them to stop but for the most part it's harmless and if people want to do it whatever, please don't do it in front of me or better yet don't tell me.

So, in a moment of weakness (bad connection to the matrix, stupid intern) I actually was hoping that the "gog" and jewish religion would bring about a reboot, a reconnect if you will. Sadly (happily?) that didn't really happen. I did enjoy myself more than I usually did though as we (they) discussed labor day and to remember and appreciate the people oh whom this holiday is SUPPOSED to be for but in a cruel twist of reality are the only ones that are working on that day.

So thank you, person who was working at the wedding place we visited this weekend.
Thank you, mailmen, trashmen, firemen and various other government workers.
Thank you, farmers, retail people, janitors and various service industry workers.
Thank you movie theater workers, grocers, food service and other entertainment workers.
Thank you all for working so hard in making all our lives livable. I promise to stay inside and give you guys as little trouble as possible during your day that you were supposed to be napping instead of helping me. Thank you.

So I'm disjointed. As I'm just about to utter a complaint a person I know falls flat on her head. Why does she fall flat on her head? Because she was was having such a rough part of the month that she just passed out from the loss of blood. Now, I've given blood before and I've given up to two pints of blood in a sitting but I have never felt like I was going to pass out. So I can only imagine how much blood one has to lose to want to pass out.

So I get it, my life it good. I've got nothing to complain about. I'm a man, and I don't bleed out of my cock. So I'm good whoever's listening. I've got no complaints. Thanks.



Story 2: We've got babies and I'm going to eat them.

Check out how big of a genius Her is. Not only did she convince me to buy some herbs, but she got me to plant them with her. Not only am I now being tested on my ability to be nurturing and sustain life but she also made me think it was my idea, and that I've always wanted to do this. Not only am being watched I even think it's great! How she did this should never document should men and women ever be equal. Know this however, I will eat them one day and it will be delicious.



Story 3: Wedding venue visit

We went to a place that Her fell in love with from the internet this weekend. We went with her parents and... and... God I'm still fucking exhausted from all of it. Ask her to tell you about it.



Story 4: The gay pride parade

We went to a gay pride parade because Her has never been to a parade before let alone a gay pride parade which, of the parades that exists are the most colorful. I've got a bunch of pictures but don't know if I'm allowed to post them. I guess I'll have to save them for a post in the future and... and...

.....

God I'm tired of talking. You must be tired of me talking by now. I guess I'll leave it here for August, see you in September.

Vids for some or all of you

Because sometimes you want to put something up but are too tired to think of stuff.

Good thing there's youtube.

For the people who read into stuff way too much...


For some of my friends of whom may eventually have a daughter...

Quality Time With The Kids - Watch more free videos

For anyone who likes cute things and/or bored engineers with pets.

Where was I? Oh yes, less pain...

I really don't have too much to say about my hospital stay. I was only there for a day maybe two and everyone has heard every "hospital food sucks" joke I can think of.

Still, much kudos to Her for staying right next to me for nearly the entire time, helping me out and then putting up with me when I got back home.



... There's a lolcat for every occasion.

In any case to this day I'm still not 100%. On the outside you would not be able to tell, but I still can't run, jump and lift things like a normal person. Sometimes though I can't help myself and let loose a small joyful bound. Most of the time it either involves Her or videogames.

13 days until Spore is released. SQUEEEEE!

Ooops, I think I jumped around a bit too much there...

Profile Update!

Work has been busier than expected so not as many updates as I would have liked. But I updated my profile some so go check that out if you don't already know who I am I guess. ^_^

Cutting Him Open

Before I start talking about the last surgery I just want to point out two websites that are covering the Olympic Medal progress.

The official site
The NY Times site

Ok on with the story.

The actual amount of waiting I had to do in the waiting room wasn't all that much. It was actually quite pleasant all things considered. My thigh and back felt as if it was being clamp between some giant with unpleasantly chapped fingers but I got a really fat wheelchair so it was alright. Seriously, imagine how fat a wheelchair has to be in order for me to be amused just by sitting in it. I mean it dwarfed me and was quite comfortable. By the way, I want it to be noted here how difficult it was to NOT put in a your mom joke in that last sentence. I really wanted to put something like "the chair was huge; it would have almost fit your mom..." or something like that but because I'm going to try and be a little more hi-brow I will only talk about talking about your mom.

The real waiting came when I got into my hospital gown and laid in bed in some little hospital cubby. They checked out my vitals and prepped me and have me comfy blankets, but it was still a lot of waiting. Eventually I was able to get some visitors in my cubby so my parents and Her came in to visit and make the waiting a little more bearable. Lying down I was in significantly less pain so that whole situation was far more pleasent even taking into account that I didn't get to sit in a ridiculously large seat with wheels.

After a few hours of waiting for the doctors and nurses to clean up what must have been a glorious gory mess (for the time it took for them to do it it better have been), it was my turn to go in. I'm wheeled into a bright room that was bitterly cold. I was very thankful for the prewarmed blankets that the nurse had given me. I didn't even remember when I was knocked out, they didn't tell me to count or anything. I guess they just doped me up while I was in the middle of talking to everyone to shut me up.

So I was out. I didn't have any cool dreams, didn't wake up in the middle of it, nothing. Sigh...

I woke up in pain. Horrible amounts of pain, and the pain was incredible. It was an incredibly horrible thing to wake up to as you can imagine. I did my best not to move around too much for extreme panic of not quite knowing what was going on and for fear of making it worse. The hurting did make me shake a lot and it wasn't until a nurse told me to my tear soaked face that I had done well and everything was ok, that I started getting over the sudden over-stimulation and started being able to manage the pain. They probably gave me some painkillers too which probably helped a bunch. I don't know for certain but eventually I got the morphine drip button which was probably the happiest moment I had in that hospital.

Go happy button - ..::click::..
Ahhh it was so great, almost as good as your mom.

More later.

"Summer Classes for Men"

Saw this on one of my gaming guild forums and thought it was funny. Wanted to write a response for women but thought better of it because it would seem sexist on that forum. I have no problem doing it on my own blog though! Original post and my version after.

Summer Classes for Men at THE LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 27th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.




My response...

Summer Classes for Women at THE LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 27th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE OVERWHELMINGLY SIMPLICITY
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE UNLIMITED AND NO NOTES ARE ALLOWED TO BE TAKEN.
Relax and stop over thinking.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Beer Mug--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Potpourri--Do bathrooms really need rabbit food?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Peeing Standing Up--You can do it, we can help.
Target class will be scheduled on a future date depending on interest.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between A Car With Oil Changed Regularly and Not--Pictures, Diagrams and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Work Requests--You can either tell us to do something or how to do it, not both.
Therapy sessions on relaxation and letting things go meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Sense of Identity--Not losing your identity to vapid talking heads telling you what you ought to be and how.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming at the Man.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Giving Him Head Is Not Harmful To Your Health and is Great for His.
Graphics, Audio Tapes, Movies, Pamphlets, Demonstrations, Technique Discussions, Models, Guided Tours, Lectures, Virtual Reality simulation, Round Table Discussion, Square Table Discussion, Freakin' ANY and all Discussion, Note Cards, Phone Call Reminders, Telegrams, Sing-O-grams, Money-Grams, Strip-O-Grams, Highway Billboards, and Sky Writing.
Five nights; Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday at 7:00 PM for as long as we have to.

Class 9
Real Women Don't Brace Themselves For Everything That Comes Within a 40 ft. Radius of the Car--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Parallel Park Well?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to How to Live with Each Other--Basic Differences Between Not Remembering and Not Caring.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Gaming Companion.
Waitressing Exercises, Don't Forget the Funions.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Dying from Heat and Cold within 5 min of Each Other.--Eat something; preferably something with iron.
One night; When do you want me to pick you up?

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration--Yea, you too.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of all of the above courses, halos will be issued to the students.

Where To Get Married

So, I'm trying to be a good fiance and blog so here I go. I never was really sure about what I wanted for my wedding except for a few details. Having an outdoor wedding in a very natural and beautiful environment is one of those things. I also would like a smaller therefore less stressful wedding. Well it seems that having a small wedding is out of the question with both Him and my mother against me (two against one wins I guess). So I have been in search of the other thing (the place I want to get married) and I think I may have found the jackpot (cross your fingers). I'm pretty excited because I recently think I might have found the place I'm going to get married. It's the beach wedding I want but at a place that will please everybody I think. It's handicap accessible for my side of the family and well their food isn't as over priced as other places which means Him should be able to order more of it. It is an hour drive from me though, which is a negative for my mom. However, the way I see it is, if I can't have my 40 person beach wedding well at least I can have the beach part. Right now my plan is to be super excited about this place so if it does end up being as good as it seems on line my fiance and mother will have to feel really really guilty about saying no 'cause it will make me sad. Now I just have to hope Him doesn't read this before we go on the 30th or it will ruin my big plan.
If all goes well I'll come back and post some links to pictures or something, plus it will give me another reason to blog.

Him's Back (sorry for the pun)

There’s a good reason why I haven’t been updating. That reason is life. You see it has been a while since I have able to truly live. There were periods of weeks (maybe months) where I just couldn’t do anything because of either pain, exhaustion or sheer disability. Do not worry though. I am better, have been better for a couple weeks now and have sense been using that time to enjoy myself, Her, and life once again.

Still, that doesn’t mean that I have forsaken this blog, nor will I not tell the stories of the events leading up to today. They are just too good for me to keep to myself. Just keep in mind that while reading them it is all in the past and I am better now. OK?

The first story takes place the day before my surgery and the day before that. The surgery I believe was a Wednesday and so on Tuesday I spent the majority of the day lying in bed, hoping the sun goes down so eventually it will come up and I can get cut open. I didn’t do much. Even my sweet sweet escape of World of Warcraft eluded me because I simply couldn’t sit upright enough to play, and being in any other position other than lying down was both painful and painfully exhausting. I drank only to keep my mouth wet and to take my painkillers which had stop killing to pain and instead fought it at a stand still at a certain line. That line was two notches above unbearable. I had also found that that should I not support the front line with more “troops,” another line gets crossed every half hour. So, I laid there. Thinking only of the pain and robbed of two of my greater joys, my computer and eating.

Something that was never brought to my attention was that the pain medication I took (percochet) had a tendency to cause hard stools and/or constipation. I had pretty hard (difficult) craps before but I didn’t know it was because of the medication. I just figured I hadn’t eaten much and therefore hadn’t had much fiber. I actually didn’t find this out until a day AFTER my surgery that the pain meds would give me this much pain.

It’s Tuesday, and I hadn’t shat for 2 days. I don’t eat much at this point so I don’t really have much to shat, I figure today would be a good day. So I go, or at least I try to go. I didn’t know I was constipated so I thought the reason why I couldn’t go and why it was hurting so much was because of my screwed up back. So I try, and I try again. And if you never had constipation it sucks. There’s not much I can really compare it to. There’s a feeling of wanting to release but unable to, there’s pain, you’re sweaty and nekkid (sort of depending on how you go)… it’s kind of like being choked only completely opposite. To avoid this entry to be to scatalicious I’ll say this and then end this entry; I’d rather have diarrhea than constipation. Apparently too much is better than not enough.

Next story will be the surgery and post-op.

Funny or Not?

I'm not sure if this is good or bad to post here but I found it hysterical.


http://view.break.com/493085

Freakin' Pain...

I love my cousin Wei Wei very much. I was born 4 years after her, we grew up together, she moved away but we still eventually found a way to stay close. She is as much of a sibling to me as any sibling can be mutiple states away. I have also grown quite fond of her husband as well and will therefore seek out any excuse to go and visit them. Even (as recent events show) attended a "Fourth of July Party" that doesn't even really exist.

The reason I bring this up is to illustrate that the ONLY reason why I would be happy about leaving them is to get a surgery to fix may back which is leaving me in quite a fair amount of pain. How much pain?

When I went to get cortisone shots for my back I went in, limping, lamaze breathing, crocked, and near tears. The act of sitting would send a wave of nerve pain going up my back and down both legs. I sat because even with the pain of sitting down, the act of sitting put less pressure on my body which means the pain at the level of 8 would go down to a 6 or 7.

I put a scale to the pain because that's what the doctors asked me. "1 to 10 with 10 being the highest; how much pain are you in?" They would ask. Usually the answer was around a 7. Of course sometimes in the waiting room I'd see and hear someone else come in and asked the same question. The same person would then walk (with no limp), fall back into their seat, reach up with full range of motion with both arms indicating where their said boo boo was and lightly respond with a "oh I don't know... ummm... 7 or 8 maybe? :-) (Yes that smiley face DOES need to be there.) Those fucking whores. They're not at a 7 let alone an 8.

Maybe because I've had my ribs cracked before and know that no matter how much that hurt (and hurt it did plenty) it could not be worse than having the entire rib broken in twaine. Maybe because I include my guess on how much it may hurt to be a cancer paitient or a burn victim. Maybe it's because my scale is logorithmic or my pain has just made me an impatient horrible cuss... but during those times; I hated those pricks.

My pain was such that I truly looked forward to more pain because more pain was usually new and different and during the best of times would reduce the amount of constant pain I would have. It was to the point where I had several positions to best initiate such pains in hopes of reducing the constant pain:

"The Hanging Monkey" was when I would lay my right side facing a wall or something taller than the thing I was laying on. I would then put my left leg over it and pull with my left arm in an attempt to make my spine bend towards my left in order to make it crack so the hurting would be less.

"The Playboy" would be to lie on the floor with my butt at the corner of the floor and wall and prop up my legs in a 90 degree fashion in hopes that doing so would make the hurting be less.

"The Wall-Brace" would be to shove myself as much into a corner as possible forcing my shoulders forward in an attempt to crack my back.

"The Lazy Kitty" was a belly up position with one half of my body laying on something that made me lie at an angle as opposed to flat on my back. Sometimes this was the only way I could get to sleep at all.

"The Rape" was lying flat on my back, legs spread and usually propped up in order to decrease the feeling going down my legs.

Anyways, all this is due to a "slipped disc" or "disherniated disc" in my L3-L4 spinal position, leading to pinched nerves. I had gotten a surgery before when I was 14 for the same thing in my L4-L5 position. It seems that the warrenty of that surgery has expired and it's time to pay up again. I figured if it keeps going like this I'll be 125 when it reaches my head and I'll just die finally from a swelled head.

In any case the surgery was supposed to be for today but the bastard is going on vacation so I've been post-poned to live with this for 9 more days. "I don't usually talk about this" is a lie. I always talk about the crap I go through and I see no reason to stop now with this blog. Yea I know it doesn't really have anything to do with the wedding but it is really a big think between me and Her's relationship. She's actually more upset with this than I am. Laugh at me and feel sorry for her I guess.

Parent's Day

Ah the eventual day where the heads of the red team go and meet the heads of the blue team in the mutual acceptance that one day they will be related to each other. It is a day that could have been filled with awkwardness, painful silences and/or fisticuffs. Ours however was not nearly as exciting. My parents were as they usually are, my mom dressed to the latest fashion trends by designers of whom I can’t name because my French isn’t that good. My dad, goofy and passionate about his latest endeavors spoke about them no matter how irrelevant they were to the current conversation.

Her parents were very nice and played along well. I’ll let Her introduce her parents.

Coming along for the party were not only us but Her’s sister (and maid of honor) and my cousin (who’s like a sister to me) and a future bride’s maid. If I had it my way I would have invited both the parents to a place where they would meet and the two of us would abandon them for an hour forcing them to talk about how evil the children they have are and then be bonded by mutual disgust. Unfortunately Her veto’ed that idea.

The place that was decided upon was the Cheesecake Factory. We picked there because the original idea was to go to a Chinese place since every other time I’ve eaten out with Her’s parents it was to a Chinese place that served Americanized Chinese gruul. Such a place would be damn near insulting to my parents as it is almost damn near insulting to me. We couldn’t go to a REAL Chinese food place that serves REAL Chinese food because it would be in unfair territory. So we decided that the cheesecake factory would be the most neutral of meeting grounds. And there just so happens to be one in between my folks and hers.

I honestly don’t even remember what was discussed so it probably wasn’t too important so I’ll just leave it at this.

Fun/Interesting Links

I recently found a bunch of links that might be helpful for people in our situations or similar situations. I'm putting them up there just as much for you as it is for us in the present and future.

Apartment Therapy - Cool things to do to your place to make it look spiffy, and the equally important, Apartment Therapy ohdeedoh which is the same thing except it's for if you have kids too.

Petfinder - *Note to Her* this doesn't mean we're getting a pet, it just means should we decide that it's a good idea this would be a pretty decent place to start looking.

Lookybook - A place where you can flip through kids books in their entirety so you can decide whether you want to buy it or not.

Nymbler - a naming website.

The Nest - a resource for those that are going to start living together and start managing things on a jointly basis. A little yuppie but still very helpful I think.

A Sturdy Ring For A Sturdy Girl

"Her"

Well "Him" really wants me to try and write even though I hate to write, so I thought I would talk about the ring. When Him and me went to go get the ring it wasn't like most couples go to get a ring. I know nothing about jewelry, stones, cuts of diamond, or anything of the sort and I'm pretty sure Him is as clueless as me.

We went to a little fancy antique shop where we looked around for a while until one of the people finally pulled out a set of three very small and simple (delicate) rings. They weren't too big or gaudy and just what I had wanted. One of them had a white pearl in the center with a red ruby on either side. It gave Him and I an idea and we decided to get me a black pearl with a sapphire on each side. However, it turns out that I can't handle a pearl since they are soft jewels. I would probably bang my hand against things too much or loose it since it needs to be taken off to shower and wash dishes.

So the ring we got was a bit sturdier, a sapphire in the center with two small diamonds on either side. But, to tell the truth I think I've already put it through a little wear and tear. The white gold covering is already coming off to a shiny yellow and one of the little diamonds looks off center. So when Him and I go shopping for the keeper ring I think we're going to go for some platinum and a very strong setting.

Pappi's Day

So Father’s day was this past Sunday. Because my parents don’t really give a damn about these superficial holidays we went to Her’s family father’s day gathering. There was lots of family there and I got to meet some uncles and aunts I don’t believe I’ve met before. I’ve always liked Father’s Day because I feel that real daddies don’t get enough recognition. I’ve noticed however that as the years go on Father’s Day is being shared with “graduating students” becoming “Dad’s and Grad’s Day.”

Two things I disagree with... The first is that I think it is diluting daddy’s day by smearing it with a day that is less likely to occur if that particular daddy didn’t do a decent job raising a decent kid e.g. graduations. Second thing is that this usually is going on for high school graduates and not College graduates. I think it’s safe to assume this because college students tend to graduate earlier and also graduate in the winter too and I see no ipods going on sale in the winter time. In any case this is rewarding someone for doing something they’re SUPPOSED TO DO. You’re supposed to graduate high school. Why the fuck do you get presents for doing something that if you failed to complete you’d be shunned for. Shouldn’t the lack of shunning be enough of a gift that you would want to graduate?

There is a plus to all of this though; the sales. Apparently, dads and grads like the same toys, which is awesome to me because it shows that guys will never really change and will still like cool shiny gadgets as we go towards our older years.

Freakin' Gas Prices

Alright everyone and their mothers have complained about gas prices. I know that already. I'm going to bitch about it now but at the end I'll relate it back to the wedding.

(How the hell am I going to relate gas prices to a wedding?! Read on to find out)

I recently got some gas, driving a truck it is something I oft do. I have a credit card that gives me a rebate on gas. If you don't have one I strongly suggest you get one. In any case when you use a credit card to buy gas the initial swipe has the gas station deducts a certain amount, you know, to make sure you have enough money. Usually the amount is a really high total and however much gas you bought, the difference is refunded back to you when you are done. Well the last two gas transactions I had were $75 even. I didn't notice the first time because that sort of thing happens, the second time in a row however I checked my gauge after filling up and the fuckin' thing isn't full. $75 does not fill up my tank anymore. In order to get a complete fill up I have to do two transactions for a total of AT LEAST $75! SONAVABITCH.

Now, onto the wedding. When it comes to weddings some people like traditions. They like to include things that their family or religion have done for generations. Me, I'd like to have a personal wedding. I want my wedding to say "Him's Wedding" at every turn. I would be very happy if every one of my guests thought to themselves, "damn Him really had his hand in everything here." For example, I don't like cake all that much. But pie... ohhhh pie. So if it were up to me I'd have a wedding pie and me and the wife would cut it with a samurai sword. I do however realize that I am getting married to another person and that person probably have their own ideas about how their wedding will be.

So, when wedding talk started to get serious I asked Her, "look, you have two choices. Either I play no important role in this, I pretend to care about every third thing (which is advice given to me by a very wise now-married person), and you just tell me the day before when and where I'm have to show up OR my opinion counts 50% on everything. And honestly Her has been really good about all this. She was even ok with the pie and samurai sword idea, just so long as she can have the option of warm brownies and ice cream. My fiance is awesome.

But this entry hasn't been about my finance. She's been great. Her mother though... That's a different story altogether. Her mother is a pretty traditional Jew. Much like any traditional culture a wedding is a "village event." The wedding isn't about or for the two people getting married. It's for their families and the various people the parents know and want to impress. The dad wants to suck up to his boss? Guess who's coming to the wedding. I for the most part am alright with this kind of wedding. I understand. It is however the type of wedding that you just need to tell me when and where to show up the day before and I'll be there. I think Her's mother really really wants to do that sort of wedding. And I'd be ok with it but Her doesn't want that type of wedding either.

There is however another option. And this option is the only way this whole entry of mine can work. Her dad has always suggested eloping. Every time the wedding topic comes up he whispers to Her, or to both of us to elope. With eloping we save him a whole mess of trouble and he'll just give us the money that he would have spent on the wedding. And you know what? I could spend that money and get me a motorcycle...

I've always wanted a motorcycle, and it'd save me a rack of gas money too.

Her...

Hey! You tricked me. Oh well, it works as a good introduction.

Him: Introduction

So why a blog? Well to answer that I guess I have to tell you why everything this is about...

You see, I am a forgetful man. I blogged in the past to keep a record of past experiences, share stories and save myself the trouble of trying to remember what stories I told who in order to not repeat myself. I blog now because I have been engaged for a whole month now and have noticed that not only is this a new adventure I would like to remember and keep a record of, but it also holds massive potential for fun stories, opportunities to poke fun at myself and share our experiences to all of you lovely people.

It all started one Saturday morning in bed. This is where I proposed to my fiance. Yes I did propose to Her one Saturday morning while waking up in bed. Yes while a proposal in bed is not the most epic proposal ever; when it comes as a result of a conversation that was me stating that I could not imagine not wanting to marry Her and wanting to be with Her until a time I cannot begin to imagine; it was plenty romantic.

Being a man that has been the officiant of 4 weddings, part of 3 wedding parties and attended countless others there are some patterns one tends to notice. The first one that came to mind was that if you are proposing to someone to delay the talk of marriage you are in for a rude slap in the nuts. Proposing is the green light to open the flood gates to the superfluous-metaphoric dam of all the wedding dreams your now fiance has collected over the X number of years of her life. I had accepted this fact already and therefore was alright with the decision to get out of bed and go pick out her ring. Yea I haven't bought the ring at this point, sue me. I was willing to go right then and there to get it though, that makes me even right?

The ring story I'll leave up to Her since it's more of Her cup of tea than mine.

One more thing that I will add though is this. In the age we live in not only is there a library of books for every activity or fascination we have but there is also entire worlds of online forums and communities for you to log into to gather up an entire army of "yes men" and "yes woman" who will both completely agree with everything you say and have your back no matter what crazy side you make pick. As much as I love my computer I choose the path of private reading and got a book on marriage. Jeez a book, this ordeal is already changing me.

FELLAS. Heed my words. Should you find yourself in a similar position as me here are some words of advice. DO NOT pick up a wedding book written for men BY A WOMAN. Unless of course you want to be yelled at by your fiance AND your literature about how you should not complain so much because all YOU have to do is care and that's nothing because that can't even compare to finding a stylist and then having to find the right style, get test hair and make-up then find the dress, and then make sure the dress, hair and make-up all match and THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ALREADY CARE ABOUT ANYWAYS! Seriously, if you don't mind feeling lost and completely unjustified in your actions by all means... I instead, picked up this book which is filled with diagrams and short, easy to read FUNNY sections. You don't have to listen to me but the fact that I even know about test runs for hair and make up means I've been there and I'm just trying to help YOU out brah.

Him & Her

“Him”

A large Asian fellow who is a tad too proud of that fact. A large tendency towards wild gestures and loud outbursts. A large jovial fellow usually pleasant enough but is dense and stubborn and is therefore difficult to move once a situated (this goes both physically and mentally). While intelligent enough, is more likely to resolve things with brawn. It is the first and last course of action that he takes. The pattern usually follows as such:

- Problem presents itself
- First attempt to solve problem is minor physicality or threat of physicality
- Second attempt is through logic or abstract thinking
- Third attempt is the utter destruction of said problem usually via fists but occasionally through sledge hammer

The Male seems to unable to perceive things such as awkwardness which makes those around him tend to feel even more awkward when those situations arise. Should you find yourself in such a situation the best course of action is to pretend to be unassociated with Him. If such options are not available to you best just go along with it and enjoy the ride. Such is the effect of him, best to enjoy the ride with him or do your best to ignore him.


"Her"

“Him:” I'm forwarding you something

this is my intro for the blog

you should write one for yourself

“Her:” your intro is very interesting..........................

“Him:” you should write one

“Her:” mmmmm

it scares me

I’ll think about it

“Him:” what's to think about?

you don’t have to include your name

“Her:” I so bad at writing and expressing my ideas

“Him:” meh

it's not hard

“Her:” says the writer

“Him:” I'm hardly a writer

“Her:” running isn't hard

lets go run a few miles

“Him:” it's not

I just hate doing it

“Her:” you can't run miles

“Him:” sure I can

it'll just kill me

“Her:” sigh

“Him:” and make me want to (but entirely unable to) kill others

“Her:” why do you NEVER get what I’m trying to say

ever

you neve ever get my point

haha

ever ver

never

maybe that's why I assume I'm bad at expressing myself

you fight me on everything I say always

“Him:” tell you what, this will be a find intro

it'll be hysterical

“Her:” find intro?

“Him:” fine*

“Her:” ok

“Him:” sweet, saved!

“Her:” well huh

confused…

“Him:” no worries

^_^